Saturday, December 31, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 9 - Elite Four)

What did the Geodude say to his girlfriend when they broke up?

"I'm tired of you taking me for granite"

Friday, December 30, 2016

Contra 4 (Nintendo DS, 2007)

Old-school Contra games made a big return in 2007 with Contra 4 for the Nintendo DS. This is a direct sequel to the awesome Contra III: The Alien Wars.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Contra III: The Alien Wars (Super NES, 1992)

Time for one of the greatest action games of the 16-bit era. This game actually came out -before- Contra Force, but it blows away that game in every area.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Monday, December 26, 2016

Contra: Hard Corps (Sega Genesis, 1994)

Here's the Genesis counterpart to Contra III, and it's everything you'd expect. Higher difficulty, brighter color palette, and lots of X-TREME ATTITUDE. Sega: They Do What Ninten-don't.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Contra Force (NES, 1992)

 This game is a spinoff of the main series, and it tries some new gameplay elements. Unfortunately, it's a victim of "NES games that came along during the SNES era" syndrome, and isn't very good.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Operation C (Game Boy, 1991)

This is the Game Boy spinoff of Contra, and like most Game Boy spinoffs from that era, it's very scaled-down in comparison to its NES counterparts. While those games had 8 or 9 stages, this one has 5. Said stages are shorter, too. That said, it's pretty damn fun. PUSH START KEY!

Friday, December 23, 2016

Super C (NES, 1990)

This is the sequel to Contra, and for some reason they didn't call it Contra II. Not sure what the deal is there. Maybe they were trying to distance themselves from the word after the Iran-Contra scandal. One thing is for sure: Super C is even MORE Xenomorphy than its predecessor.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Contra (NES, 1988)

Today I'm going to look at a game that takes everything awesome about the 80's, puts all of it in a blender, and hits EXTREME PUREE~!

This game is so rad, it should be called Badder Dudes.

It's time...for A Contra Christmas.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 8 - Juan)

Legendary Pokemon appear, as global warming spirals out of control in Hoenn. Also featuring the most suave gym leader around: The smooth operator that is... ::raises eyebrow:: ...Juan.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 7 - Tate&Liza)

This shot reminds me of the beginning of Secret of Mana. I can hear the music in my head now. It's one of a small handful of things that still make me nostalgic.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 6 - Winona)

Today on Pokemon Emerald, Renee walks through tall grass like that scene in Gladiator.

::looks up:: Now we are free.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 5 - Norman)

Mirage Tower is an optional area where you can get a fossilized Pokemon. Fun Fact: The original Final Fantasy also has a place called Mirage Tower in the middle of the desert.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 4 - Flannery)

In the latest episode of Pokemon Emerald...we get the first snow of the season. ...Or is it something more malevolent? Has infamous drug czar El Papi Dios put out the call to rain Bolivian nasal dust onto our streets? THAT'LL TEACH US TO BUILD A WALL! IT'S A MADHOUSE OUT HERE!


Friday, December 2, 2016

Startropics Pt 2 - Deconstruction

Part 2 begins, as the journey of the aptly-named Mike rolls on. Armed with a yo-yo and a kilo of Bolivian nasal dust, can this daring young man save the world? Find out inside.


Thursday, December 1, 2016

Startropics Pt 1 - Creation

Since the NES Classic has given this game new life, it's time for me to repost Startropics. I'm fond of this quirky sci-fi adventure and I'm glad it made it onto Nintendo's collection.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Pokemon Go (iPhone/Android, 2016)

Time for a game that is bringing people together like none other. Since everyone is playing it, it presents a primo opportunity for fellas like me to strike up conversations with women while we're out and about, forging new connections and relationships; bonds that may end up enduring for the rest of our lives, and all because of a simple mobile game.

...or in my case, it just dramatically increases how often I get pepper sprayed.


Saturday, November 19, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 2 - Roxanne)

This guy is just too cool for school, isn't he? Not only is he wearing hip shades, he can't even be bothered to look at our hero while he addresses her. She's also clearly way too weak of a trainer for him to bother with, so he apologizes for wasting her time. F**** off, dude.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Terminator Genisys (iOS/Android, 2015)

Wrapping up Terminator Week with a look at an entirely new game that I've never covered before. This one came out for smartphones, and I was pretty stoked to get into it. Is it any good, or should it melt in a vat of molten steel? Let's find out.


Thursday, November 17, 2016

Old Terminator Games

Total casualties in the making of this post: 001. That one might be me. Good God, these games are bad.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Terminator 2: The Arcade Game (Various, 1991-1994)

 
 Here's a game that a lot of us spent waaaay too many quarters on back in the day, because it was approximately the coolest arcade game on the planet for a while. One or two players can wield light guns and battle the forces of Skynet in a first-person rail shooter that may or may not give you shell shock. The volume was turned up on this one.

No problemo.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Terminator: Dawn of Fate (Playstation 2 and XBox, 2002)

 This is on the shortlist for BEST Terminator game of all time. Which is a lot like being Toughest Male Model, but just roll with it. This game really is outstanding if you're a fan of the Cameron-directed parts of the franchise. It shows us more of the Future War (2029 version) than most other games, and it's obvious that the designers really cared about what they were doing. It's full of attention to detail; right off the bat it makes use of BGM from the war scenes in the first movie for the title screen and menu themes. Let's have a closer look.

Monday, November 14, 2016

The Terminator (Sega CD, 1993)


Given how great the first two movies were, it's weird that so few Terminator games have been any good. The Terminator for the ill-fated Sega CD has the distinction of being a rare good Terminator game. It also has quite the soundtrack, and fans of game soundtracks would do well to track this one down.

This game is surprisingly tough, to say the least. There are no continues, so if you run out of lives you start at the beginning. That said, I'm going to get to the end. I'll show you what this game is all about, the way only I can, while completely nerding out with useless Terminator fun facts. Get ready.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Robocop Vs. Terminator (Super NES, 1993)

Time for a game that's better than it has any right to be, as I play the very different Super NES version of a Genesis game I played previously. Like Terminator? Like Robocop? Well, check out what happens when the two make sweet, sweet love and have a game-child. My only question is... in a Robocop / Terminator relationship, which one is the butch and which one is the bitch?
 

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 1 - Emerald Begins)

As America - and Earth itself - teeters on the precipice of annihilation, I start the third and final Pokemon that I'll be playing on here. Whooo! I'm not drunk!

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Finale - Blue and Red)

Professor Oak greets our hero as he searches for the Viridian City gym leader. With Broken Matt defeated, along with the Elite Four and basically every other gym leader in existence, very little remains for Nero to prove.


Thursday, November 3, 2016

Kick Master (NES, 1991)

It's time for me to play the raddest NES game of 1991. Some people are masters of punching. Some people are masters of elbowing. Some people are just masters of blocking with their face. Not this guy. THIS... is Kick Master.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Bloodborne Redux


This is the quintessential Halloween game. It'd also probably be Negan's favorite video game.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Bloodborne (Playstation 4, 2015)

Time to look at what might be the best game of this generation. I covered this game in the past (and despised it), and want to take another look now that I "get it".

Bloodborne is the spiritual sequel to the Souls games. It's basically a Super Ghouls and Ghosts for the modern era; a challenging, high-stakes action game that will smack you around until you either give up or spend a huge amount of time mastering it.

Let's get going.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Friday, October 14, 2016

Wario Land 4 (Game Boy Advance, 2001)

That's right, it's time for the final game in the esteemed Wario Land series. Aside from the first game - which is a gem from my youth - I didn't enjoy any of these games. Why did I even play them? Because if we don't, the terrorists win.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Wario Land 3 (Game Boy Color, 2000)


Wario Land 3 is a game I missed entirely when it first released. It continues in the vein of Wario Land 2 by having Wario be invincible, a unique but weird choice. It also features some highly unusual level design. One of the things that made the original Wario Land so great was the simplistic style of gameplay. The sequels are slower-paced and a bit on the complicated side for platformers of this nature, and I don't think they're anywhere near the fun level of the original.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Wario Land 2 (Game Boy Color, 1998)

Time for the sequel to the game that started a franchise. Is this game worth its salt, or should Nintendo have stopped with the rad-to-the-max first game? Read on to find out what I think.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Wario Land (Game Boy, 1994)

Wario Land was one of the first Game Boy games I owned. I got a hell of a lot of enjoyment out of this game. Even though it was billed as "Super Mario Land 3", personally I found it to be a much better game than the other two Mario Land themed titles on the Game Boy. With the advent of the actual Wario Land series (four games altogether!) the "Super Mario Land 3" tag quickly dropped off the face of the Earth. Now it's referred to universally as simply Wario Land. Join me as I take a look at the game - the best part is, Waluigi is nowhere to be found.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 6 - Elite Four)

Today on Pokemon Crystal: Friendship is Magic, I am very happy to announce that CoronaJumper.com will now be available in braille.


Sunday, October 2, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 5 - Clair)

Know what's really creepy? Not only does this guy quote Randy Orton's theme from ten years after this game was released...he even gets the "Aroooo" sound effect from it.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Doomsday Warrior (Super NES, 1992)

Today I'm looking at a particularly strange fighting game for the Super NES. It's going to be painful. This attempt at a hybrid of Street Fighter II and Mortal Kombat may not have been fun to play, but it's ripe for a look. It's a port of the aptly-named Taiketsu!! Brass Numbers for the Super Famicom.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 4 - Chuck, Jasmine, Pryce)

Today on Pokemon Crystal: Rad-to-the-max Surfer Nero. After a relatively quiet Part 3, the game now launches gym leaders at Nero with the kind of frequency that women throw their undergarments at me when I'm parked at a stoplight with the top down on my swank convertible pimp-mobile. Let's do this.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 3 - Morty)

With this many lovely ladies around, I challenge you fellas out there to not get a boner while playing Pokemon Crystal.


Saturday, September 17, 2016

Abzu (Playstation 4, 2016)

Today I'm looking at what is essentially the sequel to Journey after some global warming and a Skynet takeover. While it wasn't produced by the same company, the same group of people worked on this game as Journey and it shows. This is more or less a spiritual sequel, and it's obvious enough that a lot of fans call it "Journey 2".


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Journey (Playstation 3, 2012)

Now out on PS4 is the latest brainchild of the folks that brought you Flower and Fl0w. Compared to my usual posts, this one won't be full of jokes. I've been wanting to do a short review of this game for a while, but instead I'm posting a full playthrough and putting review elements into it. I did this post a while ago, then updated it with pristine PS4 shots, and now I'm reposting it one more time in preparation for Abzu. Without further ado, I give you Journey.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Game Review: Flower (Playstation 3, 2009)


Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Developer: thatgamecompany

Time to Complete: 2-3 hours


Developed exclusively for the Playstation Network, Flower is one of the more interesting games to come down the pike in some time. Upon its debut, it was referred to by some as a "tech demo" for the Playstation 3 hardware. There is certainly more to it than that. Purchasable for a mere $10, Flower is a sublime experience that anyone can enjoy, whether they're a gamer or not.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Game Review: Fl0w (Playstation 3, 2007)

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Developer: thatgamecompany

Time to Complete: 1-2 hours

Thatgamecompany, future makers of Flower and Journey, got their mainstream start with the relatively unassuming Fl0w. It started as a moderately popular flash game before being ported to the PS3 with HD graphics. Riding a wave of momentum, it became the most downloaded PSN game of 2007.

I didn't play this game until well after the spiritual sequel, Flower. That game blew me away. I was so impressed with it that I had to go back and experience the game that it originated from. I wasn't disappointed. I do wonder why it has a zero in the title instead of an o, and the game isn't without problems. It's still pretty rad, though.