Thursday, December 1, 2016

Startropics Pt 1 - Creation

Since the NES Classic has given this game new life, it's time for me to repost Startropics. I'm fond of this quirky sci-fi adventure and I'm glad it made it onto Nintendo's collection.

The hero of this game is Mike Jones, unassuming local guy. I went with the actual character name because "Titan's Penis" wouldn't fit. ...within the eight character limit, I mean.

This is an interesting game right off the bat. The overworld feels like an old RPG overworld, with a small character moving around a very Dragon Questy land. The dungeons, on the other hand, feel more like Zelda, with the main character suddenly being tall and also able to jump and attack.

Moments after the game begins, our hero runs into famed porn mogul and mustache model Taloon. Not pictured: The many babes who can't get enough of those abs. Aw yeah. Look at that one-pack!

"...I got caught exposing myself at the zoo. It's all over, Mike! I'm going away for a long time!" That got dark really fast.

Before he gets hauled off to jail, Taloon gives our hero his weapon: a Yo-Yo. What is this, Earthbound?

Next thing we know, a strange voodoo witch doctor tells our hero something about the Southern Cross, which can presumably only be defeated by the Fist of the North Star. I'm not sure what all of this means, but the game is off and running.

I can't tell if this is an RPG or a Zelda clone.

Update: It's neither, and is a unique addition to the NES library. other words, the game is pretty darn good. And it's on Virtual Console. Go download it... I'll wait.

The first dungeon begins. See how Mike doubles in size? Weird, eh? The dungeons have a different physics system than the rest of the game.

Get used to seeing these green tiles, because basically every single puzzle in the game involves jumping on green tiles.

The first boss is this serpent. It isn't much to write home about, and Mike wins without much trouble by throwing the Yo-Yo at it repeatedly. Note: Also how I deal with bullies.

What the! Who said that? ...God?

Mike boards his new boat, the Sub-C, only to find... Rob the Robot on board. Seriously though, who was that voice?

Thus ends Chapter 1 (of eight). Chapter 2 has an intriguing name. Everything about this game is intriguing. It feels vaguely like an Arthur C. Clarke story.

The next chapter involves talking dolphins, as Mike begins to wonder if Taloon slipped him some Tijuana vicodin.

Much like Zelda, there are heart containers to be found here...there...everywhere. They're also obtained from finishing dungeons. About half of them require a little exploration to get and you don't want to miss too many. It doesn't pay to rush through this game.

In the next dungeon, our hero contends with rabid land-fish.

This dungeon is very aquatic-themed, and features red octopi.

Aside from the Yo-Yo, there are a few cool limited-use sub-weapons, like the baseball bat - seen here. Not only is this a good close range weapon, it also turns Mike into Negan... and Lucille is thirsty.

Inside this treasure chest, our hero finds... Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

"Get me outta here!" says the dolphin. "I cannae swim!"

The boss of this dungeon is a giant squid. This is a much tougher fight than the serpent, and attacks by spitting oil (or as Dick Cheney knows it, "precious sustenance").

That's another chapter down, and a bunch of dolphins saved. Startropics: 100% Dolphin Safe!

Next up is Chapter 3, by far the longest of the game's eight chapters. Oddly enough. It accounts for like a third of the game.

A maze of plants makes travel difficult for our hero here. This is what I imagine it was like trying to go down on a woman before 2005. Dammit, we've lost good men in that bush!

This guy sure looks a lot like Taloon, and sure enough, moments after this picture was taken he slowly slid off his poncho. Mike ran away, shrieking.

Here we see Mike stumble upon the famed menstrual pit of Miracola.

The boss...well, the first of a bunch in this chapter. There's a lot going on in this fight, and it's clear the game is getting tougher very fast.

Whenever you find a graveyard in an NES game, look for the gravestone that has a different color. It's practically a rule.

Next up, Mike has to find a way to enter a castle filled with, presumably, sexy co-eds having pillow fights in their underwear. The only problem is, Mike possesses man-bits. How will he get through this one? Find out, on the next episode of Startropics.


  1. Like just about any kid my age I did get a chance to play this game, but I could never really figure it out. Zelda, fine, RPGs, no problem, but this baffled me.

  2. What's in the box... WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!

  3. I'm finally getting to this series of posts! WOO! I've never actually seen this game despite hearing so much about it, so this is cool. Very snappy writing, too. Speaking of pandas, I saw some last month...they move like people. It was mesmerizing because animal movements are usually so quick.

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