Pokemon: Generation II (Part 4 - Chuck, Jasmine, Pryce)

Today on Pokemon Crystal: Rad-to-the-max Surfer Nero. After a relatively quiet Part 3, the game now launches gym leaders at Nero with the kind of frequency that women throw their undergarments at me when I'm parked at a stoplight with the top down on my convertible. Let's do this.

After acquiring Surf, I'm able to traverse the waterways to get to the next city. I can't even get some peace and quiet here, as the lake is full of Lochte-esque jerks who want to Poke-battle.

For some reason these names make me want to go to an Italian restaurant.

Next, our hero battles babes with gigantic heads, who unleash the horror that is...

...Tentacruel, or as he is known in Japan, "Love Machine".

Meanwhile, stuff happens with this creepy guy and his 70-proof "Secret Potion" while Blurred Lines plays in the background. I'm outta here.

Finally, I arrive at the next gym. I did indeed cross the sea, stopping only occasionally to pleasure mermaids.

This gym is full of martial artists, and all of them could probably beat up CM Punk.

Wait a minute...is that...that's Ryu! What's Ryu doing in a Pokemon game?

Finally, we arrive at Chuck. I want to say this is a Chuck Norris reference, but I can't be sure. How topical was he in 2000, aside from Walker: Texas Ranger being the leading cause of female arousal in America?

This Chuck...is a bit of a nutcase. He's ready for some bare-knuckle brawling.

His nipples were drawn by the same animator that does Kuririn's nose.

He dishes out the second form of Toad Man, Poliwrath. As anyone who has played the Game Boy Mega Man titles knows, the angry eyes mean he's evil.

The skies darken as Kadabra unleashes hell!

And it's gone. Well, that fight was easier than the last couple gym leaders...he also used a Machoke, continuing the trend of gym leaders only having a couple of minions.

After his loss, Chuck vows to exercise more. His wife also makes with the Fly HM, so now I can warp between towns. That saves a lot of time.

I take some time to evolve Bellsprout into Weepinbell. He's pretty formidable now. If I find a Leaf Stone I can turn him into the even more potent Victreebel, but that isn't a high priority for me at the moment because I'm not sure if I'll keep him on the team for much longer. (Arcanine, on the other hand, was a huge upgrade and a 'mon I will likely keep around until the end)

The only problem is that I need a decent flying Pokemon to give the HM to, so I grab the highest-level Pidgeyotto I can find. He's happy to be on board with the bastion of supermanliness that is Nero in his quest for world domination, and immediately charts us a course for war.

Unfortunately, the next gym leader is that super-polite little girl I met earlier. Before I can unleash my minions to administer a beatdown on her, she reminds me of how super-polite she is and insists we take the battle to a place of combat. No, not an American high school, I'm talking about...

...Gym #6, the abode of Jasmine. Yes, already. She's the master of Steel, one of the powerful new Pokemon types introduced in this gen (along with Dark). Technically Steel isn't a solo-type until Gen 3, and the couple of instances of Steel in this game are hybrid-types which gives them more weaknesses to exploit.

Note: This gym completely lacks minion-trainers to fight, interestingly enough. No puzzles either. It's a straight shot to the boss.

No problem, how bad can a six year old be?

::cut to violent montage of the fight as "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson plays::

HEY! YOU! WHADDAYA SAYYYY!

::the music abruptly screeches to a halt::

Well, that was another easy fight. She threw a couple of those magnetic 'mons my way followed by the real boss, the impressive Steelix, but none of them could weather the assault of my current team. Pidgeyotto is the weak link, but he's only here to be the designated driver.

The best thing about the fight is that my starter evolved into his third and final form. He went from the slightly-unsettling-yet-adorable Totodile to the giant-headed and mildly unsettling Croconaw to the completely unsettling monstrosity that is Feralgatr (seen here having just consumed numerous other Croconaws to evolve, as per the cannibalism simulator that is Pokemon Go).

One of the legendaries is hanging out on this nearby beach, but it again escapes. This leaves Nero face-to-snout with...

...Eusine, the dandiest gentleman. He's what happens when Tuxedo Mask is a character in a world where all adults are put to death at age 25.

He's also... a mystical man. He's essentially a miniboss fight.

He's also no match for...AH! JESUS!

Moving on quickly, we learn that a red Gyrados (or as Dan Quayle calls it, "Gyradoes") has been on a rampage at a lake.

I'm already at the 7th gym, but the game has decided to arbitrarily slow me down by putting a random goofball in front of the door who orders me to go see the lake. At least it makes sense when I get "the gym leader is away" type messages and have to track them down, but this is just a random guy blocking the door for no reason.

The red gyrados in question is powerful, and the other aquatic Pokemon in the area did a number on my party. This is the worst shape I've been in outside of a gym boss.

Whoa. Here's Lance, the champion of the Gen 1 region of Kanto. What's he doing here in Johto? And is this the same universe where he was defeated by the Gen 1 hero?

Lance employs my help to defeat Team Rocket. This is an interesting sidequest I can get behind. Team Rocket are a bunch of bastards in this game, and Lance is the baddest of badasses.

After Lance punches out a shopkeeper Roadhouse style, we head on into the base.

The Team Rocket bastards have the place trapped and are using kids to do their dirty work. This is like the base at the end of The Den. Probably the scariest movie I've seen so far this decade.

The scientists in here are NOT happy that their base is being taken apart. I'd worry less about the "meddlesome child" and more about Lance in the other room going all T800-in-a-police-station.

We know this is a Japanese game because their glasses are giant, creepy voids.

Nero has to torture a Team Rocket subordinate to get a password. Luckily, one of them is Mel Gibson, and he's all about that.

As Mel straps himself down for some punishment, Nero quietly backs away with the password...and backs right into Broken Matt, the Sensei of Mattitude. He laughs at our hero's ridiculous 20th century hair and leaves to find an aged pinot noir.

More Rocket fights follow...lots more...as the game seems to be almost padding the runtime at this point. It isn't my fault they threw two gym leaders my way back-to-back!

"Spread for meeeee!"

After sharing the murder-wealth with Lance, we clear out the Rocket Base. Onward to gym 7, home of...

...ice Pokemon and slippery floors where you slide around uncontrollably. This is a pretty cool and memorable dungeon and I'm glad we finally got a regular gym leader with a dominant ice element.

Skiers are found in here. Luckily they're all dazed from crashing into the walls, and may have already been severely concussed before they even tried skiing in here.

Who's this guy? Is he the boss?

...yeah, he's the boss. He looks like an elderly Beavis.

He unleashes the subterranean horror known as Piloswine. I...I don't want to talk about it.

"I AM ALT-RIGHT."

Another easy win, as the game quickly saunters towards the finish line. He had other ice-types at his beck and call, but once again the lack of numbers on the side of these gym leaders made victory simple.

"Spring is coming" he states forbiddingly. And on that note, we enter the Fall of Pokemon. My efforts to get this trilogy done within the Summer have failed, but hopefully I'll be able to wrap it up soon regardless.

Another noteworthy thing: From what I've seen, this gym (Mahogany City) ended up in the Pokemon show, and looked pretty damn cool too:

Now that's an ice battlefield. Looks just like it does in the game, at least in terms of layout. Unfortunately I tapped out on the show around halfway through the Gen 1 episodes, maybe even earlier. Latest thing I remember was the Lt. Surge fight and Pikachu getting owned by Raichu.

But wait! Something weird is happening back at the ranch. I was hoping to head straight for gym 8 and wrap this gen up, but it looks like trouble is afoot.

Just like that, day turns to night. Either the game glitched, or dark times have fallen upon Johto. Next time on Pokemon Crystal: I try to finish the game...or at least, the Johto region itself. More on this later.

Fall of Pokemon