Thursday, September 22, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 3 - Morty)

With this many lovely ladies around, I challenge you fellas out there to not get a boner while playing Pokemon Crystal.

Wait...could it be? After not playing for about two weeks, I load the game up to an immediate call from Schoolboy Alan. I feel like a schoolboy again!

He can't just fax me the Fire Stone, so I trek back to his location to get it.

Fax...because this is 2000. No texting here... I think.

This...was definitely my most sought-after item in this game. It's a crowning moment for me, and means that I can now obtain...

...Arcanine, the baddest of fire-elemental Pokemen. He scorches most gym leaders and makes up for my not picking Super Cyndaquil. My team just keeps getting better and better.

The next area is the National Park, which looks pretty good for a Game Boy Color game. Since Pokemon is a magical Mayberry world, we don't see homeless people on the benches like in real life (or the wealthy ivy league frat boys who hunt them for sport).

Soon after that, I obtain the bicycle. Cue up the Sons of Anarchy theme...

Directed by Kurt Sutter

This part of the game is very easy to get lost on. You have to backtrack quite a bit to find one NPC who supplies you with a Squirtbottle... AFTER you follow her to the nearby woods and back and talk to her multiple times.

All of that to get this weird tree out of the way. Couldn't I just find a machete?

Lo and behold, it's a Pokemon: A vicious tree with attitude. It might be the only one of its kind. Unfortunately I didn't catch it. Good thing I'm not going for all 150 (...or all 100...or whatever the total new ones you can obtain in this game ends up being...)

Whoa! It's Bill Clinton from the first game! He takes time out of stumping for his wife and making love to Mediterranean women to talk to our hero about the economy.

And now for something completely different, as an old guy pressures our hero to dress up like a kimono girl and dance for the delight of another old guy in a seedy room:

::high-pitched screaming::

What, you thought I was kidding?

This game is super-short from the looks of things (at least in terms of the "main story", not counting the large amount of Second Quest) so I was expecting to face another gym leader pretty fast. To my surprise, he wasn't home, and I have to go find him. Looks like today's episode won't cover more than one leader. Spoiler: The next episode throws gym leaders at me hard and fast. It'll have more constant fighting than Mortal Kombat Annihilation.

Morty is found nearby. He's a bandana-wearing, scrappy dude who looks out for his city. Not really someone I want to de-throne, but so it goes. THIS IS THE WAY OF NATURE!

Soon afterwards, I run into Broken Matt.

"A dilapidated tower!"

He just can't leave well enough alone, and won't stop until he breaks Nero.

He won't break our hero on this day, however. I win yet again thanks to the mighty Croconaw and his unsettling, giant head.

"My broken brilliance will not be cowed by the likes of you!"

Our hero falls down a hole and Broken Matt bursts into cackling laughter.

Down here lurk the three legendaries of the game...and I just disturbed their slumber. The good news is that they all scurry away, like internet trolls when someone turns on a light.

Our hero is lucky they didn't all attack him. Even in the world of Pokemon where fights can only legally be one-on-one, they could have attacked one after another like those cops in Earthbound.

After that dungeon/event, Morty returns to the Ecruteak Gym. This is the first gym in the Pokemon-verse to be ghost-themed... Unless you count Agatha in the first gen.

There are only a couple of ghost-type Pokemon, so I wade through a bunch of Haunters while fighting the lesser goons in the gym.

Morty may specialize in ghost-types, but he has a fascination with catching the three legendaries. Interesting character here and one who I could see being a recurring ally if the story allowed it (sorta like Brock in the first game).

This is it. Given how much trouble I had taking down Whitney in the previous boss fight, and given how I've heard things about Morty being a major challenge, I'm fully prepared for war.

His lesser Pokemon aren't too bad (as is tradition in this game) but his final boss is the meanest Gengar on the planet. This thing ALWAYS goes first (at least with my team) and has a smorgasbord of status effects to thoroughly disable your fighters. It's hard to even get a shot off.

Gengar hands me a loss as I struggle with being stun-locked for an extended period of time. I notice that in this game you "white out" as opposed to blacking out. I wonder why they changed the phrasing. It was probably deemed racist by some blogger on Wordpress.

On the next go I managed to get a few shots off and win. Gengar took significant damage from my shiny new Arcanine and his blistering fire attacks, which won the day this time around. Kadabra doesn't seem to be the ghost-sweeper it was in the first gen...

Side Note: Not being able to get Allakhazam is like how Triple H beats guys right before they go on title runs without avenging their loss. No matter how good their title run is, the whole time you know HHH is better. Similarly, no matter how badass my Kadabra gets, I always know that he'd be better if he were that Allakhazam that isn't around.

In any case, that's four gym leaders down and four to go. I wonder if that Gengar was the high point on the early difficulty spike of the game and it'll all be downhill from here, as happened with the early gyms in Gen 1 (Raichu, specifically).

After defeating Morty, I climb a brief tower and talk to the Wise Trio. They advise our hero to wear a rubber at all times (it's a necessity).

Continuing onwards, our hero starts encountering attractive women who shamelessly flirt with him. Damn you, woman! He's like 12! His hormones are already bonkers and YOU'RE NOT HELPING!

If Nero keels over right now I'm holding you completely responsible, "Valerie".

I win the fight and...uh...okay, lady. I suppose Arcanine DOES have beautiful colors and a luscious mane, to say nothing of Pidgey's magnificent plumage.


....I'm just going to head out now.

Next, our hero battles the more age-appropriate Dana. Unfortunately, there is no Dana...only Zuul.

Here in the States, this looks like an unassuming comment. Over in Japan, it's code for schoolchildren to arm the torpedoes, clean the biplanes, and furiously prepare for combat.

Broken Matt accosts our hero again on the way out of town. How small is this world when we keep running into each other? He vows to break Nero and continues on his way to delete obsolete traitors.

The next dungeon is a lighthouse...and anything can happen at the lighthouse.

Anything can happen at the lighthouse.

Oooh! At the lighthouse!

This Pokemon looks like something a grizzled old gentleman would attack with, and...

...lo and behold! "I don't always Poke-battle" he says while lighting up a Havana cigar. "But when I do, I send out Noctowl."

Noctowl then also lit up a Havana cigar.

The next gym leader is Jasmine, a super-caring kid who takes care of sick Pokemon. She's definitely the most popular of the gym leaders in this game, from what I've read over the years. I already despise her because she sends me on a fetch quest instead of fighting. Gimme my badge! I ain't getting medicine for shit! What do I look like, Jimmy Carter?

At a nearby bar full of 'bros, our hero attains the HM of Strength. This is a nice physical attack, in addition to letting me move boulders out of the way while walking around.

Bagwell? Is that you?

At this point I got stuck again, much like I did during the Squirtbottle nonsense earlier. I couldn't figure out how to progress; clearly I needed Surf. After re-tracing my steps I realized that I never went to the Dance Theater earlier. I was probably too freaked out by that old guy who was trying to lure me in like Ken Kaniff.

It turns out that the Dance Theater is actually filled with lovely young women in kimonos after all. Sometimes, everything works out-

-oh, come ON, they seriously all want to fight me?

They attack with such fearsome 'mons as the umbral cat, Umbreon.

Defeating the pack of vicious women results in Nero getting the Surf materia from this guy in a top hat. I'm glad he could take time out of his busy schedule of helping dames solve mysteries.

Next time on Pokemon: I steam-roll this game.


  1. It's pretty cool how the Fire Stone didn't do anything for me but in your game it was a big deal.

    Falling into holes in the ground? This really is Pokemon.


    Is this when you fight all five of the Kimono Girls and their eeveelutions? That part threw me for a loop.

  2. I wish I had waited a couple years back when I was a kid and waited for Crystal instead of having both Silver and Gold. Definitely more content in Crystal.

    And wow only now do I realize how dirty some of the dialogue can be.