Pokemon: Generation II (Part 6 - Elite Four)

Today on Pokemon Crystal: Friendship is Magic, I am very happy to announce that CoronaJumper.com will now be available in braille.

Aside from there being too many HM abilities and not enough opportunities to actually use the damn things, the number of 'Mons that can equip them to begin with seems to be worse than ever. My problems with getting Fly onto a decent Pokemon have already been well-documented, but now it's happening again with my newer HMs.

As the third, un-taken starter Pokemon continues to taunt me from the table over there, Prof. Elm gives me the greatest of balls. Question is, with all the legendaries in this game, who should I use this on? I have no idea. In the first gen it was a simple choice between Mewtwo and a girlfriend.

I'm given a level 15 Dratini by one of the NPCs in the area, and decided to take the time to level it up. It turns into a Dragonair pretty fast but needs other 'Mons to fight all the battles for it while getting there. Once it hits level 30-35 it can start winning fights on its own, which means level 35-55 takes less time than 15-35 did. Why 55, you ask? Because 55 is when Dragonair becomes the fearsome Dragonite, one of the strongest Pokemon. And the best part? Once it becomes Dragonite, it can use Fly. Finally, Pidgeot can take the bench. Rest easy, big fella. Rest easy.

Since my date with Gina didn't go well, why the hell not? I'M A FREE MAN NOW! TIME TO SOW ME WILD OATS!

OH COME ON. Wait, I have a notebook somewhere! Wait! COME BACK!

After copious amounts of level-grinding in the ice cave (also an accurate way to describe sex with Ann Coulter), Dragonair becomes Dragonite. Not only can he use Fly, he also has some devastating dragon breath attacks.

It's trial by fire, as Dragonite is going to lead the team into battle from here on out. He should be up to the task. All that powerleveling actually left my existing power-hitters in the dust. Kadabra and Pidgeot are doomed to be replaced, but I'd like to get Arcanine some levels.

With all of that out of the way, it's time to take on the Victory Road cave. Technically this is the same landmass as Gen 1's Victory Road, since it straddles the border between Johto and Kanto like someone who isn't sure which of their two lovers to pay attention to.

But wait! Broken Matt is lying in wait for ambush.

"You are nothing more! Than an obsolete muuule."

He then does his best Donald Trump impression. It's the most beautiful Pokemon lineup. Everyone says it's the strongest.

He dishes out some of my own medicine, launching Kadabra my way to use psychic beams. He's a bit under-leveled for this point in the game, however, and the entire rival team falls quickly.

"The next time we meet...you shall be DELEEEETED!"

After traversing the cave, we arrive at the domain of the Elite Four. Somehow, it's STILL nighttime. I take a deep swig of scotch, hand the bottle to a nearby hobo, and throw both of the doors open as I walk in, like Angel.

Nero wobbles a bit, in no condition to perform, but it's too late to do anything now.

Will...is odd-looking. What's his deal? Is he dressed as a superhero matador?

He attacks with Jynx, the most racist thing to come out of Japan since Mr. Popo. Can we zoom in on this foul creature of the abyss?

Moving on quickly, the creepy doesn't stop there, as he launches his soulless bird at me. Arcanine finally sees some action here as he takes on the noncommittal, bored bird.

Whoa! Koga has moved up to the rank of Elite Four! It's pretty cool that some of the characters from the previous gen have gotten promotions and moved up in the world.

Koga is still a ninja who relies on the same Pokemon types, but now he's higher-level due to being endgame.

This fight is actually noteworthy because he varies up his Pokemon, unlike so many other foes in this game.

I win, but it's becoming clear that I didn't bring enough healing items to this endurance brawl.

Next up...Bruno? Wait a minute, I remember this guy! He was Elite Four in the first gen too.

He's all about the fighting-type 'mons. Let's just go to the video:

Three down, two to go. Yeah, the "Elite Four" basically consists of five bosses. It's like the Four Horsemen in wrestling always seeming to have five members.

Finally, we've got Karen, the master of dark-elemental 'mons.

She's...pompous?

Also, Karen is pretty much the hottest boss in the Pokemon series.

I should probably utilize some of those healing items soon, as my 'mons are taking a serious drubbing at this point.

It's up to you now, Dragonite! ...why are you stunned?

Even with a stun effect going on, my overlevelled dragon monstrosity proceeds to dismantle her team. Houndoom, eh?

The sultry boss bows out gracefully, and it's onward to the final boss...

...Lance, the new Pokemon League champion. That's right, the rival isn't the final boss. I'm surprised too.

Lance and I have the mutual respect buddy cop thing going on from the earlier battles with Team Rocket.

Oh yeah, I probably should have healed first... can't go back to the Pokecenter, so it's a matter of burning through items.

Lance is still the king of dragon Pokemon, and unlike Clair he actually utilizes a variety of them.

He even busts out Charizard, who immediately warns our hero to "WATCH OUT FOR MY BIG TEETH AND SHARP CLAWS!"

Never change, Charizard.

I win out yet again. It feels like I'm glossing over these boss fights most of the time, so for Pokemon Emerald I'm going to try something different and record the boss fights.

Lance proceeds to give a speech putting over the new champion. Why can't he just get out of the ring and let me have a moment to celebrate? He's worse than Hulk Hogan.

My starter is now a hideous monstrosity. This is a win on paper only...in truth, no one won this war.

The hip newcomer on the team absolutely held things together at the end.

And...that's it for this game. Yep, going to just move on to Emerald, nothing else to do here...

...wait what? The hell do you want?

A ship? Who? Why? Can I have that other starter on the table yet?

Okay, so it looks like the game isn't over just yet. Next I'll board a ship to Kanto. That's right, Kanto, of Gen 1 fame. For some reason, Gen 2 lets you return to the old world and take on the bosses of yesteryear. It's the land of our youth, three years later.

And we've arrived. This isn't over yet. We'll see what struggles await in the land of Gen 1 soon enough. Will Nero end up facing Ambrose in this collision of worlds? Does Shane McMahon now own Johto? Tune in shortly.

Fall of Pokemon