Monday, November 21, 2016

Pokemon Go (iPhone/Android, 2016)

Time for a game that is bringing people together like none other. Since everyone is playing it, it presents a primo opportunity for fellas like me to strike up conversations with women while we're out and about, forging new connections and relationships; bonds that may end up enduring for the rest of our lives, and all because of a simple mobile game.

...or in my case, it just dramatically increases how often I get pepper sprayed.


Nice shoes, hipster. This is the latest professor, who may or may not also be your character's dad. Who knows.

The dude is wearing Nazi pants, but I'll roll with it. Dude it is*!

The game begins! If you're one of the four people not familiar with how this thing works, it uses GPS and Mapquest to determine your position in space. Or something. I didn't build the damn thing!

Pokemon appear nearby and you tap them to enter "combat" and attempt to capture them.

It also uses your phone camera to overlay Pokemon over the real world in front of you, which is pretty cool and makes for some great screenshots.

As far as I can tell, the game featured only Gen 1 Pokemon at launch. Not sure if they've updated that yet. Catching Pokemon is a matter of flicking the Pokeball towards them. However, if you spin the Pokeball with rapid circular movements before flicking it**, you have a better shot at a capture.

I capture Charmander, but he's super low-level. There are gyms to fight, but you need to have a 1000+ HP Pokemon to have a chance. The good news is that I can level him collecting zillions of other Charmanders and turning them into candy ala Majin Buu. Wait, what?

That's right, this isn't Pokemon... it's Pokemon Herder.

As I look off into the lonely expanse, the professor explains that I'll need to farm Pokeballs from Pokestops. What's a Pokestop, you ask?

These blue cube things. They're positioned at various real-world landmarks, so when your GPS senses that you're in proximity to one, you can furiously rub it*** to collect Pokeballs and other items like healing potions.

This is a much-needed warning that you see when restarting the game. Pretty much all modern phones should have this message every time you look at them. Walking down the street these days is like playing dodge-people with all the folks not watching where they're walking. I feel like the guy from the Bittersweet Symphony video.

After lots of rubbing and circling, our hero finally levels up. EXP is acquired in a lot of ways, and farming a Pokestop is one (boring) way to do it.

"Get out of my sight" says the stereotypical Japanese dad. "COME BACK WHEN YOU DOCTOR."

Just hanging out by the ocean. It was a gorgeous scene. Absolutely magnificent. Luckily I took a picture of it.

Soon, night falls. You might think I've been hoofing it everywhere, but that isn't the case.

...I cheated and hopped on a bus. After that I was catching things left and right while spinning tons of Pokestops. I hear this just got patched out and isn't as feasible anymore, though.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get a full picture of this awesome sunset because the battery was running low. Thanks a lot, Obama.

Some of the Pokestops are really cool landmarks, like the Ted Williams statue at Fenway Park.

Speaking of Fenway Park...there's a gym center-field. How is anyone supposed to get to it? Seriously, I went around the entire circumference of the field and never could activate it.

I did, however, meet the force of nature that is Weedle. When you encounter these Pokemon, you might expect a battle to result, but they sorta stand there while you throw balls at them.

Man, I can almost SEE the gym over there mid-field!

Even Pokemon on the street below can be captured by throwing balls. As far as I can tell, it doesn't particularly matter what your camera is pointing at; the game simply overlays the Pokemon on top of whatever is in your field of view. It does a good job making it look like the Pokemon are actually there.

It's the legendary Wall of Bats, home to the bats of some of the greatest baseball players of all time. But more importantly, another Weedle! I'm going to have hella Weedle Candy in no time!

That Raticate son of a bitch is trying to steal my water!

I try to capture a Pidgey as random women recoil in horror that I might be taking their picture. These are the risks you take to be a Pokemon Master! If you want to be! The very best!

Finally, the professor will speak to me again!

Still can't reach the field gym. Maybe I should just rush the field. I could probably at least start the gym battle before being tackled by security.

At level 5, I have to choose a color which will henceforth be my team that I fight for, against any and all logic or critical thinking. It's just like how people treat the political system!

I go with Team Valor, has the sexiest silhouette.

"Here's your mandatory armband!"

Wait, what?

Oh My God! My GPS glitched me onto the field and I was nearly able to reach the gym! Doesn't seem like it's going to work out for me, so maybe it's time I go to another gym.

The Civil War Memorial is a monument to the sacrifices made by thousands. And now, a great source of Pokeballs!

Now I'm in a bar...and so is Pidgey. "Psst," he says. "Check out the broad down that-a-way."

I did NOT see that coming!

Playing Pokemon Go while driving is a terrible idea, as demonstrated here with me hurdling towards a building while driving in completely the wrong direction through a busy street.

Meowth is captured! Why are all of these Pokemon so puny on stats, though? CP stands for (presumably) Combat Power, and 32 is about as high as I've seen so far.

Now that my car is shattered, I have to find alternate transportation. Here's a Zubat who clearly just stole a bunch of bicycles. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ARMS DUDE

Sometimes the 'mons really do match up seamlessly with your environment.

Those Team Instinct bastards have taken a YMCA! I need to level up my 'mons fast so I can start flipping these gyms to the red team.

The criminal element is everywhere, as I now encounter Zubat on a dark street. "Hey buddy, want some weed?" he says when reached for comment.

I feel like I'm playing Pokemon Safari, as I find a Squirtle. Still haven't gotten mugged! Yeah!

I find one of those stolen bikes with the Zubat boss, the nefarious Golbat.

Oh My God! A CP 100 Psyduck! Moments after this picture was taken, I got kneed in the groin by the lass on the left.

I finally tackle a gym...and get knocked the F out. Gym battles are pretty odd; you basically just tap furiously on your 'mon and they attack until one of you wins. I think you can change up the attacks by using differing motions.

Starting to evolve my 'mons now. Pidgeot is the first mid-tier 'mon I've obtained. I'm not depending on him to lead us to the promised land or anything, but it's a start.

Here's the world's most dramatic Hitmonchan.

Speaking of drama, this egg I've been lugging around is finally about to hatch! I only had to walk 10 miles to make it happen. For a while in Summer 2016, this game gave everyone in the U.S. an outstanding ass.

...huh. It's perennial crowd-favorite Eevee. I guess I was expecting something a little less ordinary.


I'm not a fan of how people label everything "racist" these days, but this...this is the most racist thing Japan has given us since Mr. Popo.

It's time for a baseball game, and I suddenly have an overpowering urge to eat junk food.

As the stands fill with people, I harass Pidgey. He's just trying to watch the game, dammit!

During games, the place lights up with Poke-lures dropped by the massive amount of players in attendance.

Moving on, I find a gazebo that functions as a Pokestop and make it my home base. I'm just about done with the game ( isn't really much of a game, as it turns out) but I REALLY want to win a gym fight first. I set up shop at this gazebo and used experience bonus items and lures and whatever else I could to farm and cand-ify as many 'mons as possible over the span of about an hour.

Here's escaped murderer and part-time breast implant Jigglypuff.

Finally, I choose my champion. Vaporeon is my strongest 'mon, so I put everything I have into making him MORE powerful. He'll be taking the lead as I assail the gym.

After that epic grind, I find myself at level 14. I'M GONNA BE! THE VERY BEST!

Here we are. The gym. It doesn't look like much, but it's home to some of the toughest Pokemon in the neighborhood.

Here's my lineup. Vaporeon is the star, but Tauros and Hypno can do some damage too.

Gym battle start! My 1000 power level Vaporeon will surely wipe the floor with a 764 power Venomoth! Matter of fact, we'll let Tauros handle this one.

After furiously tapping away, I eke out a win. Who's next?

...oh no. They have a Vaporeon too, and it has TWO thousand CP. I throw my main party at it to try and whittle it down...

...for Vaporeon to step in. It's Vaporeon Vs. Vaporeon in a high-stakes battle to determine who controls this gym for the next 20 minutes!

Come on! We've got him!


Okay, fine. I'll go down the street and take on this other, barely-guarded gym. Beggars can't be picky.

Parasect falls fairly easily, and...



::our hero walks away in slow-mo::

With that, I'm done with Pokemon Go. So, final thoughts on this game?

It's pretty good for a time-killer on the bus, and can be fun to play around with a bit outdoors. However, I think I'll stick with the regular Pokemon games. This one just lacks the depth of a Pokemon game, and there's a lot of room for improvement if it's going to become one. There's one good thing about it though:

Unlike Tinder, this game has inadvertently taught all of us new women-pleasuring techniques.

* - Something Mike Pence has never said at an orgy.

** - Also a women-pleasuring technique in some parts of the world.

*** - Not advisable as a women-pleasuring technique, but YMMV


  1. This game is a battery draining BEAST

    Valor 4 Life

    Whoa, I never did see a Hitmonchan.

    Lots of great shots in this one.

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