Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 8 - Juan)

Legendary Pokemon appear, as global warming spirals out of control in Hoenn. Also featuring the most suave gym leader around: The smooth operator that is... ::raises eyebrow:: ...Juan.

Our next stop is the Space Center, where people are fleeing to Mars en-masse at the news that you can actually get NES Classics there.

Last episode, it was Team Aqua talking dirty. This time, it's Team Magma's turn.




Regardless, Team Magma is trying to launch a rocket and...create more land?

For this battle, I'm joined by Steven and his fearsome Aggron. He's the final boss from Ruby and Sapphire and the most formidable of trainers in Hoenn.

After defeating them, they start to realize that maybe their side might just have some issues.

Our next goal is to infiltrate a town that lurks inside of a hollowed-out ocean volcano. The entrance is at the bottom of the sea. This entire section is super-confusing and easy to get lost in.

The volcano city looks like something out of Paladin's Quest.

Hmm...this name also sounds vaguely Lennusian.

Oh shit, it's a shark Pokemon! Next to it, we see the corpse of one of its victims.

"If I could be like that" says the little girl. "I'd get laid, like, ALL THE TIME."

Whoa! I did NOT see that coming!

Next up is Pacifidlog Town, a completely optional locale as far as I can tell. It's a nice warp point in the middle of the sea to cut down on travel time, but not much else. I really like towns like this in RPGs; Suikoden 3 has a particularly cool one.

Our hero stumbles across the wrecked U-Boat of Team Aqua. Remember when Pokemon games were just about capturing bugs and fighting gym leaders? When will all this Team Aqua/Magma nonsense end? Of course, this is followed by yet another dungeon...

Given Team Aqua's affiliation, there are so...SO many ways I could go with this right now.

A slightly-difficult boulder puzzle confronts the player near the end of the Team Aqua cave. See if you can solve how to get to the door at the top of the room by pushing blocks.

Oh yeah...I've still got Torkoal as a Strength mule.

Behold, Kyogre. The counterpart to Groudon, and one of the three legendaries for this game.

The leader of Team Aqua finally reveals himself, and he's faaaaabulous!
 He thinks he can control Kyogre, but he's mistaken. A quick battle follows, and...Kyogre just sorta leaves, creating a massive rainstorm in the process. Team Aqua then realizes that filling the world with water wasn't a good idea after all. If this all seems very familiar...it's because yes, the same scenario played out with Team Magma. This version of Gen 3 has ALL of the storyline from the other two versions of Gen 3.

Steven appears to talk about the drowning of the world. And if you think I'm making Pokemon darker than it really is...

...I'm not. Pokemon is MAD dark. So how do we stop the rainstorms?

We've gotta get Groudon and Kyogre to stop fighting. Yes, the two legendaries are both running free now, and of course they've gotta battle it out. Well, "battle". They're mostly just wiggling at each other. They aren't even wiggling menacingly.

Back to the volcano town, lightning is filling the screen. The visuals are actually really cool during this storm, and it's a memorable late stage of the game that reminds me of the red skies of endgame Secret of Mana. I hope it goes on for a while.

This weirdo is Wallace, a powerful trainer who ruled Gym 8 in Ruby and Sapphire. Now he has relinquished that position to his mentor, Juan. The question is...what came up?

And who will the final boss be? Will it be...






Wallace reveals the solution to the Groudon/Kyogre conundrum. We have to track down the third and new Emerald legendary, Rayquaza. The only Pokemon mighty enough to tell the other two legendaries to pipe down so we can all get some sleep.

Everyone's unhappy about the storm, but I think this is awesome. Most areas of the game now seem more exciting than they did before with the addition of thunderstorm effects.

Even the music has taken on a new sense of urgency in these overworld zones. This is such a turn of the century RPG storm theme, and I like it.

Rayquaza lurks atop a tower in the desert. By this point in Ruby and Sapphire we'd have either Groudon or Kyogre respectively, so it's a good thing this game has a new ringer to supply me with for the final battles. Kinda surprised we're getting him before the eighth gym, and it would have been great to have him for the psychic nightmare in the last episode.

Rayquaza...is the Eternal Dragon. "WHAT IS YOUR WISH" he growls.

Actually, he just...reads our hero's mind? and takes off to the sky, like Heero.

Once he arrives at the "battle" between Groudon and Kyogre (seen here wiggling furiously), they both stop what they're doing and run for the hills. Or in Kyogre's case, flop wildly about.

With that problem solved, the rain ceases and all three legendaries are nowhere to be found. Oh well. The leaders of Team Aqua and Magma have both taken off for whatever God-awful new pursuits get their followers all worked up and hysterical, and it's finally time for another gym. That took an age and a half.

Oh yeah, and I get the final HM. Need the 8th badge to use it, though. We're THIS CLOSE to the Elite Four now.

Wait...didn't I say I was going to get Rayquaza? That's right, you can actually go back to his tower and battle him this time.

The 2.0 version of the tower is the single most irritating place in this entire game. Since the place is falling apart now you have to use the bicycle to cross a bunch of collapsing floors, which means precision turning to avoid being on any given square for more than a split second.

Fall through the floor and you're climbing back up a floor. Yeah, this dungeon took me a solid 35 minutes to get through and none of it was fun.

At the top is Rayquaza himself, the Big Bad of Emerald. He's a level 70 death machine. Let's get him, guys!

.....annnnd everyone gets annihilated quickly. When Blaziken falls, it's like when the main tank falls in an MMORPG and the dragon starts tearing through everybody else. 'Member Everquest? I 'member.

So...I do the only thing that makes any sense in this crazy world: I use the Master Ball. There are other legendaries to catch, but I don't plan on going after any of them. Deoxys would be pretty great since he's probably my favorite legendary in the series, but I don't think he's attainable without linking this up with Gen 1 remakes.

This guy has been lurking high above for a long time, but hardly anyone in Hoenn knows he exists. He somehow kept a low profile...UNTIL NOW.

Because now... he's the new leader of the party. Blaziken, as formidable as he is, must take a backseat from here on out. This same thing happened in the other two gens: Articuno took over as my ringer in Gen 1 and Suicune took over as my ringer in Gen 2.

FINALLY, I take on Gym 8. For real this time. This one is ice-themed, so Blaziken probably could have handled it without Rayquaza's help. Honestly, this one should probably be switched with Gym 7 in placement, given how strong Psychic types are and the two-on-two nature of that one.

I'll be in my bunk.

The ice gym has a few puzzles where you need to step on every ice tile once to proceed. Stepping on the same tile twice means you have to start over. Luckily, these puzzles are super-easy, especially compared to some of the puzzles in the Team bases earlier. Again, not sure why this gym is after those bases and the previous gym...

Juan...is suave. Not only did he once give Lass Andrea a thirty minute long orgasm, he's also apparently the best Pokemon trainer in the entire land.

He treats Poke-battling as an artform. If Wallace is his student, and I'm likely going to battle Wallace later, then perhaps this battle will be a bit of a trial run for that one...

The moaning of onlooking Lasses intensifies as Juan readies for battle. He takes his haircolor tips from Broken Matt, from the looks of things.

His first Pokemon is a complete joke...and may or may not be some sort of sex toy.

Next up is the mighty Kingdra, which is definitely one of the cooler-looking 'mons around. I actually sat Rayquaza and Blaziken out and let Kadabra handle a lot of the battle with Juan.

Juan's biggest gun isn't Kingdra. It's Whiscash, Dr. Wily's latest and deadliest Robot Master.

Much like how my girlfriend's magnificent breasts assure her of my full obedience.

This is it. We have arrived...at TNA Victory Road 2011. Does this mean the final boss will be Nero from Gen 2 in no condition to compete?

Soon, we'll all find out.


  1. What's with islands? Get more land!

    The region-wide storm is pretty fantastic in Alpha Sapphire, too.

    Whiscash? Dr. Wily's hands have been busy.

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