Saturday, October 15, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 7 - Lt. Surge, Sabrina, Erika, Janine)

 Wait a minute...those are all Gen 1 bosses! That's right, it's time for the new Pokemon Champion to rock Kanto.

"Tell me why this is a land of confusion!" sings Slowbro. I did NOT see that coming!

 Rick Santorum was right... Allow gay marriage and pretty soon you've got man-on-frog.

Next thing we know, I stumble upon the creepiest duo since the Ying Yang Twins.

I'll just be going now

Whoa, it's the first Big Bad of the TV show. Er...kind of

The first of the Kanto gyms is pretty much immediately accessible: Vermillion City Gym. Weird thing is that it has been night-time for like half the game...I think my game is bugged.

Vermillion Gym is home to a bunch of trainers who gripe about their traps not working. They're like Trump with microphones.

 What did he call me?

"I will murder you and [MAKE LOVE TO] your corpse!" yells Lt. Surge. That escalated quickly.

"...ex-wife! The old bat HAD IT COMING!"

Why do we hate?

Lt. Surge is more powerful than he was three years ago, and now faces the correct way.

Once again, he relies on Pikachu's 'roided-up big brother. Raichu was a beast in the first game, sorta a prototype of the "boss Pokemon" that every gym leader fight in Gen II culminates with. That doesn't seem to be continuing here, as the Gen II Kanto fights are better balanced than the Johto fights. What I mean is that instead of a bunch of jobber 'mons followed by a boss 'mon, we get a balanced group of decent 'mons in these Kanto fights. It's like I'm back in the first gen!

Feraligatr is a powerful Pokemon, as final-form starters tend to be. The only problem is that he's completely bogged-down with HMs at this point since he can use most of them and my options were usually limited. Matter of fact, all of his abilities are HMs at this point (Cut, Strength, Surf, Whirlpool). I'll be glad when HMs are a thing of the past.

My completely-OP Dragonite completely blazes through Lt. Surge's squad, so I deploy him if worst comes to worse.

 His final Pokemon isn't Raichu this time, it's the fearsome Electabuzz. ...the hell IS that thing?

For winning that fight, I get the ninth badge of the game.

This is really weird, and a little surreal. It isn't the first time that a game has run a "repeat" of a previous game in a series. Both Dragon Quest II and Dragon Quest III take you back to Alefgard of Dragon Quest. Fire Emblem III on the Super Famicom actually remakes the original NES Fire Emblem, which accounts for about 40% of its runtime. Even in non-RPGs we have things like Super Metroid giving us Tourian from the original Metroid in two remade forms (a ruined version of the original and a remodeled version later).

Moving on, I'm able to quickly walk to Saffron City for the next gym fight.

 OH MY GOD. Gina's calling. Okay, play it cool, play it cool...down boy!

 Hells to the yeah! What up, girl?


Wait, what? She's...she's not happy with me?

How...what? Hoppip? I don't... Gina! I don't understand!

 So you're with Hoppip now? I don't... WHAT DID I DO?

Gina! GINA!?


Saffron is the town from Gen 1 that sorta had two gyms. One was the fighting dojo, the other was the regular...ah...

...sorry, I spaced. Gina...why...? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

The fighting dojo is pretty empty in this version of Kanto. No fights to be had here, just...


The other gym in Saffron is the psychic one, the domain of Sabrina. She has filled the gym with teleporters that make it a complete chore to get through unless you look up the correct path.

Yeah, I can usually tell when you're coming too.

 Sabrina is, of course, my favorite gym leader from Gen 1. She's confident and sexy.

As I battle a hideous cat, here's a shot of Feraligatr's HM-dominated arsenal. Meh.

Suicune dishes out the Aurora Beam on the creepy Mr. Mime, saving the lives of hundreds of children.

Alakazam is usually a foe to be feared, but the computer likes to spam status effects with him instead of launching attacks. It helps that Psychic isn't the completely-OP element that it was in Gen 1. We've got Dark to use against it now.

What the hell are you talking about?


The worst part is that the teleporter in her room doesn't actually return you to the entrance. I think it did in Gen 1. This makes it super-tedious to leave this gym since you have to try and retrace your steps in the maze.

I walk to the next town. Wow, Kanto is just flying by. Running into basically no roadblocks here.

I take a moment to capture Houndour, since it can evolve into the very-powerful Houndoom. Question is, do I want to spend time and energy leveling another lowbie up? I think Dragonite was enough for me. This close to the end of the game, I think I'm just going to keep moving forward. I'll keep Houndour around to try and get some exp sometimes, at least.

 Celadon City gym is next. Moments after this picture was taken, Houndour lifted a leg and peed all over Muten Roshi's shoes. No! Bad dog!

 "The Crow Flies Straight" plays as our hero rides his bicycle. Of course, this means he has to contend with...

...vicious bikers. Moments after this picture was taken, Houndour dropped 'trou and peed all over the man's wheels. I can't let you pee on the man's wheels, son.

That's it, Houndour's going into storage. I can't have him peeing on everything and embarrassing me like this. I'm the reigning and defending Pokemon champion!

I step into the gym of Erika, a plant-filled Elysium of giggling, prancing, scantily-clad young women.

Mystical, Suikoden-like music plays as our hero looks around at his surroundings.

Erika has issues staying awake, apparently.

As the leader of this magical Elysium, Erika deploys plant-based Pokemen while skipping to and fro.

Go, Arcanine! BURN THEM DOWN!

It looks like Hoppip has grown up. GET HIM, ARCANINE!

...wait, Hoppip was female? Oh My God. I was so terrible of a boyfriend that I turned Gina lesbian.

What's that? We were never actually a couple? SILENCE! GINA LOVED ME!

"Can we dance?" asks Arcanine. "We can always dance" says Jumpluff.

Continuing onward, I arrive at the home of Misty. However...

...she's nowhere to be found. The gym is empty. This is strangely foreboding. Maybe she heard about Trump and left the country.

Moving on, I arrive at Fuchsia City, home of Koga. Since he's a member of the Elite Four now, who will be his replacement here?

The gym is much as I remember it, with weird semi-visible walls. Any of the trainers in here can be the gym leader, because she's in disguise.

Looks like I found the right one, as she unleashes Mirko Crobat.

Wheezing and Venomoth round out the poisonous pack. And now for a look at the new gym leader...

It's Janine, the daughter of Koga. She's more gracious than some presidential candidates.

I think we all learned something today. Disney's Doug!

Speaking of learning, now this hot teacher is telling me to exercise.

Oh God, she has a spanking whip and everything. Gina who?

Looks like my path is blocked by a Snorlax. No idea what to do next, but I think it involves the Power Plant and the Radio Tower.

 Since I need a break, our hero settles down in front of the TV to watch the latest debate. It's noted astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson Vs. former WWE superstar Scott Steiner as they vie for the undecided voters in their quest to become head of NASA.

"I think the key to future space travel could be in solar energy. If we can properly harness the energy of our sun, there may be no limit to what we can achieve."

"You might BEE a noted astra-physicist! But I'm a noted ASS-trophycist! Cause all my freaks got dat ASS!"

"I don't know, I think Steiner may have won this debate! He didn't trip over his sentences very often or anything!"

"I agree! Our low expectations were definitely surpassed! This was a close one!"


  1. told you about Gina in my last comment man... That girl is a walking red flag. You should get together with a lass instead, the picknicker girls are soooooooo unsexy.

    Jesus the old pervert fapping in front of the girl gym must be the exact same one in the first gen. No wonder he didn't die he's the immortal Muten Roshi. Still wonder why the hell didn't Roshi wish to be young against or something, being an immortal old fuck doesn't sound fun to me.

    Wait your Houndoor is female yet she piss like a male? Holy shit your Houndoor gives no fuck.

  2. Next thing you know those twins will be all "SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE"

    Looks like HMs are gone as of Sun and Moon. The future is bright. Hey, that special demo (which is actually unique content) is out now.

    Sorry Nero. In this poke-centric world there are no hookups.

    To my knowledge any trainer you haven't fought in a gym goes inert so I make sure to fight them all before the leader. Sometimes that can be tricky like in Sabrina's gym.

    I'm not sure what Booty Pump is saying, but I think it spells disaster.