Thursday, April 1, 2021

Ranking the Highlander Movie Sex Scenes

 
That's right! We're gonna take a look at the sex scenes of the Highlander movie series. Talk about hit-or-miss. To put it mildly: Some of them are good, some are atrocious.

Note: No scenes from the show will appear here. There are just too many of those to even rank, much less know which one wins. Though I do have a soft spot for the episode where Duncan makes a noblewoman in Bombay orgasm with only his hands. Doing the Lord's work: Duncan Macleod.


#5 - Highlander II - Connor and What's-Her-Name

First of all, I like this actress, Virginia Madsen. Fantastic actress. That said, this scene...huge yikes for this scene. She meets Connor in a restaurant, recognizing him from the news, then hides in a dumpster while he fights a couple of punks on hoverboards. After the fight, he transforms before her eyes from Old Connor into Young Connor (don't ask).

And then they just like instantly bang, right up against a wall! The fact that Connor doesn't even know her name yet, and the fact that she was just inside of a dumpster for the past 5-7 minutes of the movie, make this easily the worst Highlander sex scene. At the very least, props for the unconventional sex-standing-up, which is very popular in India.

The sex lasts for literally about 10 seconds (maybe it's longer in the Renegade Cut) before Connor finishes in this poor woman and then wanders off.

God help us.


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#4 - Highlander: The Source - Duncan and Anna

This one is the height of "meh". Duncan looks like he's struggling with a bad medication withdrawal as he talks to Anna in the woods about how depressed he is that she left him a few months ago. This guy has lost so many women over the decades and yet one random super-bland lover is enough to get him completely twisted in knots?

If this were Anne from the series instead, at least it would have some history behind it. Anna wants kids...well, so did Anne. Matter of fact, the story here with these two would have worked perfectly if they brought back Anne for this movie. I bet they didn't even think about it.

This leads to them banging up against a tree! It's dirty, it's unpleasant, it's unromantic, there's no chemistry, and there's no real story being told here. Just a quick bang against a tree with all of their clothes on. The only reason this is #4 and not #5 is because at least Anne didn't just spend five minutes in a dumpster, and at least Duncan knows what her name is.


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#3 - Highlander - Connor and Brenda

This is a classic, and much better than the previous two. Is it good, though?

This starts when Connor gets Brenda to murder him so he can revive in front of her, which is some sort of ultimate aphrodisiac for women apparently.

"Look, I'm immortal."

"Oh My God, take me! Take me now!" 

I really like the city backdrop outside of the windows. This must be the best part of living in a tall building in a city. Sure, you're completely screwed if society collapses, but how about that view out the windows at night?

Note: I like how three of the five Highlander movies take place in New York City. It has a very different vibe to The Series taking place in a smaller town and the comparatively-old Paris. The two movies that don't take place in NYC are the two really shitty movies seen above, coincidentally.

Connor goes for her nipples and really yummies down on those things. In all of Connor's scenes, he goes straight for the nipples.

He then does some missionary plowing that doesn't last too long and we cut away. I mean this scene could have been a lot more. It isn't bad at all, but it isn't particularly good, and ends way too soon. It's serviceable.


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#2 - Highlander: Endgame - Duncan and Faith

This one starts with both Duncan and Faith walking through year-2000 NYC (back when you could walk around it late at night) as she goes to meet up with him, while some suuuuper chill music plays. It's incredible how different the vibe/atmosphere of everything is in this movie compared to a decade earlier with the original movie. They feel 30 years apart.

It's pouring rain and lightning is flashing during this scene, which adds a lot to it.

It's also interspersed with flashbacks of Duncan and Faith the last time they hooked up, a few centuries ago.

The flashback gives you a lot of Duncan-on-top, thrusting away. This is great for fans who want shots of n00d Duncan, so congrats to them.

In the present, they have this charged, emotional sex, compared to the past where it was just happy.

Duncan is full of regret and apologies when it comes to this particular woman and you can see that in full effect during this scene.

Still, it's a very nice scene. In a reverse of the past, in the present Faith is on top while lightning flashes in the background. Outstanding.

There are even some boobs! Duncan isn't Connor, and avoids the nipples, choosing instead to lightly choke Faith as she grinds on him. A+

The scene ends with shots of her post-coitus in past and present. In the past, she's contented. In the present, she has been destroyed by time, devoid of the spirit she had. Though maybe, for a moment, there's a glimmer of contentment there too.


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#1 - Highlander III - Connor and Alex

Perhaps a controversial pick for the top spot. I figured either the first movie or Endgame would win this, until I re-watched all of these sex scenes (it's good work, if you can get it). There is now no question that this scene is the winner. While Highlander III as a whole is merely okay, this scene is easily one of the best parts of the movie. This isn't just a sex scene, it's a sex SAGA.

It starts with Connor going for a literal roll in the hay with Alex's ancestor, who he loved deeply during the time of the French Revolution.

Connor, being Connor, goes right for the nipples. I feel bad for Connor's wives, all ending up with chewed-up nipples after a few years.

This fades to him in the present day re-forging his sword while Alex watches nearby, in what is legitimately one of the best scenes in the entire series. The music choice (Bonny Portmore) is outstanding, as we see Connor forging, Alex admiring the landscape, and the sun setting on them.

Then we get this super-hot scene of her on top of him in bed, framed with fire in the foreground. Points for this being in a bed, rather than an alleyway or something. There isn't any stupid rock music playing, either.

Connor apparently goes down on her a bit! Tremendous.

Lots of her-on-top, grinding away on the guy. The light is spot-on for this, showing just enough and not too much.

Jesus Christ. I only wish there were lightning flashes like the previous scene. Connor also goes for the nipples...a lot. Again. He's a NIPPLE FIEND.

Would have liked to see their expressions better at the end here. Either way, this was a very well-shot scene, and combined with the incredible sword-forging montage that smoothly transitioned right into it, this has to be considered a high point for the movie series and definitely a high point in Highlander III. A high point...like her nipples.






Happy April Fools, btw.







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