Sunday, December 4, 2016

Pokemon: Generation III (Part 4 - Flannery)

In the latest episode of Pokemon Emerald...we get the first snow of the season. ...Or is it something more malevolent? Has infamous drug czar El Papi Dios put out the call to rain Bolivian nasal dust onto our streets? THAT'LL TEACH US TO BUILD A WALL! IT'S A MADHOUSE OUT HERE!

Next up, I trundle through a fire cavern. Luckily...there's nothing hot about it. It isn't like the old Final Fantasies and Dragon Quests where you'd take damage from the floor. The boulder on the left can only be moved with the HM Strength, which I haven't found yet.

After crossing that cavern, I end up in a snowy area at the foot of a volcano; the "snow" raining down here is actually volcanic ash.

 This is a new and fairly strong Pokemon that I pick up mainly so that I have a minion that can utilize Fly. Turns out it's good in battles too, which is to be expected from a sharp-edged metal death bird. The Devil's hands have been busy.

 The next boss is found in Lavaridge City, also at the foot of the volcano. Why would anyone build a town at the foot of a volcano? ARE THEY MAD? YOU LEAD THEM DOWN A PRIMROSE PATH, FLANNERY!

Did he say...a "nice guy"? Hold on, give Renee a second to take off all her clothes.

Our hero takes a break from smashing everything with her OP starter to enjoy the scenery.

what the actual f*****

Combusken reaches level 36! We know what that means...

Time for the final evolution! I've been told that this is among the best final starter forms in the entire series, so expectations are high. He combines Fire-type and Fighting-type to devastating effect.

He immediately learns Blaze Kick, a devastating maneuver. I imagine this to look like a combination of Guile's Flash Kick and that Fire Sword double-tech from Chrono Trigger.

Next up, our hero confronts Team Magma. They stand for traditional American family values, like missionary position and the right to carry machine guns into Denny's.

But wait! Now Team Aqua shows up! They're obsessed with talking about how racist and offensive everything is.

They tell me why I shouldn't follow Team Magma. It turns out Team Magma's leader is an abhorrent he-beast who thinks brown people are Hoenn's biggest problem. I did NOT see that coming!

Meanwhile, the Blue Team is ready to lecture Renee on being more PC! Soon, all of Hoenn will be a safe space where no one can say anything Team Aqua doesn't like.

lol, "nob"

Here's another karate-master, Cyndy, who is too cool to spell her name with an i.

And here's...


Next thing we know, some trainer lady invites Renee to stay and recover. Meanwhile, the guy in the middle peers left...peers right...and asks if there's room for him in this "lady sandwich". What a sick freak.

I've got the HM of Strength, but I can't use it until I defeat Flannery. The mystery of what's behind that one boulder I can't move will have to wait a while...

A gondola ride follows, as I decide to take a shortcut to the top of the volcano. Lord knows Renee doesn't need the exercise. Look at those firm haunches!

At the top, I find a ridiculous scene. Teams Aqua and Magma are duking it out...with some kind of sick dog-fighting ring. They're all total pussies who are afraid to actually fight each other. This is despicable.

"We want government to stay out of people's lives! Unless they're gay or want to go to the bathroom in South Carolina!"

"Unlike those libtards in Team Aqua! They don't even know what a job is!"

The grunts are THIS CLOSE to holding hands. Not outside of marriage! Team Magma would frown sternly!

Maxie here is the top-ranking Team Magma authority that we've met thusfar. He's a fervent opponent of Planned Parenthood.

Team Magma, of course, believes that they're right about everything.

"All hail Lord Trump! All hail!"

After that battle, I return to the nearby hot springs for a naked mud bath.

...wait a minute... PC? My God! Team Aqua has already infiltrated this town! That explains why everyone here is now afraid to joke about anything.

I can finally do the next gym. Everyone in this place is obsessed with fire.

Question is... is Flannery a dude or a chick? With a name like that, it could go either way. Suffice to say, Flannery is 100% succulent woman.

And my passion for Flannery...well, I hope that's what that burning sensation is

Oh hell yes.

Stop, I can only get so hard!

::Lita's theme plays:: "Something something WON'T STAAAAAHP!"

This is the toughest fight yet, and my B-Team (which is everyone besides Blaziken) get wiped out quickly. Blaziken, on the other hand, is able to weather the enemy fire attacks due to his fire element, while also striking back with Fighting type moves. It's the best of all worlds. Soon, Kadabra will move up to A a few more levels.

Flannery's lineup isn't much to write home about. It consists of the very few Fire-types in Hoenn so far.

::Lita's theme plays:: "Something something WON'T STAHHHHHP"

After acquiring her badge, I can now utilize Strength to finally get past that one rock in that one place. What lies beyond?

Either way, our next goal is clear: Norman, AKA Renee's Dad. Or as his Jewish mother used to call him... "That Noiman, he's such a noice boy."

1 comment:

  1. Whoa, good Skarmony find.

    Blaziken rulx

    If you battle like Norman does, then you better watch out for his one starter that's WAY STRONGER than the rest of the team!