Sunday, October 2, 2016

Pokemon: Generation II (Part 5 - Clair)

Know what's really creepy? Not only does this guy quote Randy Orton's theme from ten years after this game was released...he even gets the "Aroooo" sound effect from it.

Our next stop is another Team Rocket joint: The Radio Tower. They've taken it over so they can broadcast their villainous propaganda.

But first, our hero briefly visits the local breast augmentation clinic to say hi.

Okay, we can't avoid this any longer. Time to take on the Radio Tower, complete with pumped-up Rattatas. If he keeps getting pumped up, he'll become Roidrat of Chinpokomon fame.

 These Rocket execs are way more malevolent-looking than they were in Gen 1. This guy looks like he's about to murder all of his co-workers

 Turns out that they've got the director of the tower locked in a closet somewhere, which means our hero has to run through a bunch of floors to find him. They then call the director a "flaming homo". What the hell! I thought this was a kid's game!

 Turns out he's in the basement. Pokemon games have this tendency to hit you with over-long dungeons towards the end of the game to draw out the length a bit when you're ready to take on the Elite Four already, and this is no exception.

 But wait! Broken Matt is here to harass me yet again. "I knew you'd come!" he bellows.

 He doesn't need me underfoot! Prepare the battlefield for Massacre!

 Much like a Lannister. Delightful!

 He may be brilliant, but he still hasn't figured out how to bring six Pokemon to a fight.

 Pidgeotto, my Fly mule, sees some action as he locks horns with the nefarious Golbat. He looks like he's about to unhinge his jaw and swallow Pidgeotto whole.

I don't know what Sneasel is supposed to be, but he looks like what'd happen if Ren dipped himself in chocolate for Stimpy's birthday.

 Finally, my starter battles Matt's starter in their ultimate forms. Chikorita isn't so adorbs anymore. Actually, they're both pretty hideous. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

"DELETE!" he screeches. "DELETE!"

He vows that this isn't over. He will make me...OBSOLETE.

 Meanwhile, THA MA-CHOKE MAYNN is snapping into a Slim Jim. Oooh yeahh.

Man, people who don't watch wrestling at all are going to read this post and it'll be like I'm speaking Greek.


 Moving on, I find the manager tied up in a storage area. He isn't injured. Thank God. Just...thank God.

 I get a little nervous when people refer to me as the "Savior".

Whoa...oh my. Everyone quiet! Quiet! Whew. Okay...let's see what she wants.

Oh..My...GODDDDD. Okay, okay, play it cool, play it cool...

At this point I return to the Tin Tower to ring the bell that summons Suicune, one of the legendary Pokemon in this gen.

Suicune is an odd name. While most Pokemon names give an idea of what that 'Mon is all about, Suicune makes me think of...suicide and ice cream cones?

Sage Gaku: No relation to Goku. In any case, the trio of sages make me battle them before I can face Suicune. This depletes my team pretty badly, which could have been easily fixed with a trip to the Poke-Center. Unfortunately...

...I didn't seize the chance while I had it, putting me in a rough spot while fighting Suicune itself. This thing is a badass, so much so that it's on the front cover of the game:

The fact that I'll obtain the cover-mon of the game is pretty cool.

Like the legendary birds of the first gen, this thing is nearly impossible to catch without putting it to sleep (while also having it at low health). As Weepinbell is my only 'mon with Sleep, I had to reset and get back here with a healthy team.

That...took a few tries. It was a lot more frustrating than the three birds in Gen 1. From what I understand there are two other legendary 'mons in this game (Raikou and Entei), in addition to two Mewtwo-like super-legendaries (Ho-Oh and Lugia) and one Mew-like final legendary (Celebi). My work is cut out for me and it looks like I'm nowhere near the end of this game, as much as I'm starting to feel ready to move on.

The big surprise here is that Suicune weighs as much as a small car. He's "Aurora" element, which sounds cool. His attacks are ice-based, making him the Articuno of the game.

Eusine shows up to fangirl out over the proceedings.

There is no DANA. Only ZUUL.

As much as I like this team, I'll have to switch a few of them out. Kadabra is at risk of being cut due to being on my team in the first game, and Graveler's inability to become Golem also puts him on the chopping block.

The path forward now takes me through an ice cave, which looks sa-weet. Ice dungeons were awesome in these old 2D RPGs. It's nice to see a place that looks so visually different, too. This game has a lot more visual variety than Gen 1.

It's a magical moment for my Fly mule, as he evolves into his FINAL FORM~!

...he's actually not bad for a 'mon that you can get in the first half hour of the game, but he can't really measure up to the rest of the team. I need to find a truly potent flyer, stat. Unfortunately, the formidable flying-types tend to be very difficult to find. They're all either legendaries (Lugia, etc) or require copious amounts of leveling (Dragonite, etc).

Hidden in this cave is HM07, the final HM in the game. It teaches Waterfall, which allows you to get to the Kanto region of Gen 1 fame. So this is basically the key to the optional second half of the game, and easily missable at this point.

Unfortunately, all these HMs are really starting to bog down my team. When you only have a combined 24 ability slots between your six Pokemon, 7 slots having to go to HM abilities is kinda rough.

This dungeon culminates with a boulder puzzle where you push blocks from the upper floor and use them to stop your momentum on the slippery lower floor. Sexual innuendo here.

In the Crystal version of this gen, after Suicune gains one level he gets his best attack. Aurora Beam is a devastating ice attack that one-shots most opponents.

Finally, I arrive at the city of the last gym. No relation to "The Lethal Weapon" Steve Blackman.

Wait a minute...aren't I forgetting something? I HAD A DATE

And waiting...and waiting.

Time for the rematch with Gina. Oh God Yes.

She's ready for me this time, dishing out the deadly force of nature that is Hoppip.

::cut to footage of nuclear explosions going off::

Wait...that...that's it? She just wanted to put our Pokemon against each other, not our bodies? Is our date over? DID SHE EVER EVEN LIKE ME?

::cut to Nero turning his cap forwards and sulking off into the distance::

After all this time, Ultra Balls are finally purchasable. I could have used these against Suicune, because all I had for that fight were the ones I'd found along the way.

Gym 8 is Dragon-themed. As formidable as Dragon-types are, this wouldn't bode well... except that everything in here is weak to Suicune and his Aurora Beam. So...yeah.

A gym with lava in it...pretty unsettling scenery.

"Look at my butt!" says Cooltrainer Cybil when reached for comment.

I thought that was Bruce Lee?

The Mother of Dragons is here. Our final challenge. She unleashes fire-breathing dragons to cleanse the wicked, which is a funny coincidence because here at Fenway Park they're playing "Fireball" by Pitbull as I type this.

The bad news for her is that Suicune cuts through her team with ease. The lack of originality in Pokemon lineups in this game continues, as she throws a trio of Dragonairs at me followed by a Kingdra.

Kingdra is tough, like the rest of the "boss" Pokemon, but Suicune still handled it with little difficulty. I liked Gen 1 NPCs utilizing a variety of Pokemon on their teams, and the Gen 2 style of throwing the same 'mon at you a bunch of times followed by a boss ' pretty bland and redundant. Makes me pretty unlikely to take pictures of the boss fights. Too bad I didn't record them.

The worst part is, she refuses to give up the Risingbadge and admit defeat until I prove myself further. That's like losing the election and refusing to admit that it happened. How to I prove myself, you ask? That's easy. I gotta work the clitoris I gotta go to Dragon's Den and fight more battles there.

Dragon's Den is located right behind the gym via surfing. I like that there's no delay before you move onward to the next area here.

Some of the HMs, like Whirlpool and Waterfall, are super-unnecessary. If you only use each of them once or twice, they could have had them be keys rather than an ability that takes up space. Then again, inventory space is limited too... well, what are you gonna do, it's an 8-bit RPG from the 90's.

In the Dragons Den, I battle a few more trainers.

You mean like... literally?

Now that I've sufficiently proven myself to Clair, she finally gives up the Risingbadge.

With those's time for the Elite Four. And whatever lies beyond. Get ready.


  1. I don't care how pumped that Rattata gets, he won't be able to match up against Geodude's guns.

    "It's pronounced GINA"

    Yeah, I won't miss HMs when they're gone. They were a good idea in making pokemon functional outside of battle as well, but with only four move slots it's just not enough space.

    If you're fighting the Mother of Dragons with ice, does that make you the Night King?

  2. Gina what a bitch! You should delete her phone number this instant. Intentionally leading you on just to have another one of these kiddy pokemon fight. Come on Gina you know what they say if he beats you then he gets you, that's how things works!

    Well it was that way xxxxx years ago okay.