Saturday, August 29, 2015

Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons #5 - Winter

Today I will beat the game

Gaze upon the cyclopean ghost

This was haiku~





In the middle of the graveyard (or...a corner of it) our hero finds the entrance to...

...Dungeon 7! I think this is Dungeon 7, anyway. I lost track. Who knows at this point. Let's get this over with.

WHOAAAAA. Is this what I think it is? A Roc's Feather UPGRADE? For the first time ever?

It's an interesting powerup, for sure. It lets you jump up and glide for several spaces. It's a lot like Princess Toadstool's glide power, only without the unpleasantness of shyguys looking up your skirt.

Some ghosts go after Link all "haw haw you can't hit us" and then Link lights some lamps and they all die. Well, that went badly for them. Maybe they should have stuck to the rooms without lamps.

The boss is Gleeok, yet another refugee from the original game. He's a pretty cool boss, definitely one of the better ones of the early series.

In this game he has a new super-secret second form where he jumps around causing quakes. It's a prime time to whip out the new Roc's Cape. I didn't get any shots because I was busy SOARING, maan

....eww.

Onward and upward, as our hero trudges northward to the land of the Gorons.

Soon after, he finds a Jawa throwing stuff into a pool of lava. Link starts throwing bombs in, because what could go wrong?

JESUS H CHRIST THE VOLCANOES ARE ERUPTING

DOZENS OF JAWAS ARE DEAD! DEAD YOU RAT BASTARD!

This leads to Link finding a portal... and what appears to be a fairy trying to mate with another fairy. SHE ISN'T INTERESTED, BRO

 Princess Zelda makes a rousing, Obama-like speech to the people. That's all well and good, but Link is the one doing all the work. Not that that's anything new.

Clark Kent is growing up quickly, and has discovered cocaine.

I take another quick detour to get this thing. It's like a Pokedex, only for cocks.

I bring it to the cock-tender. She's a cock-thusiast.

That starts another little quest chain. The tough part was getting Syrup the witch to show up.

Link and Syrup trade items. They also trade STDs! Gotta catch 'em all!

The trading continues. Insert more drug jokes here.

Link finally stumbles upon Biggoron...uh, is this a bad time? I can...uh...I can come back later?

More trading follows, and... ya know what, let's just get back to the action

DUNGEON 8! WE'RE MOVIN' RIGHT ALONG!

This dungeon consists of a lot of working of the magnetized balls. It's a new game mechanic, I'll give it that.

What makes this slingshot hyper? Has it been hitting the stash with Clark? In actuality, it has 3x the seed-firing power of the original slingshot, making it ideal for...

...this incredibly annoying miniboss fight. The boss shifts between a fire form and an ice form, and you need to constantly switch which seed-type you're firing at it. Constantly pausing to do menu stuff is a terrible mechanic for a fight.

The theme of this dungeon seems to be alternating ice and fire.

Some say the world will end in fire, some say ice. Personally, I hope it ends with me watching a girl trying on yoga pants in a changing room, but that's only semi-likely. Mainly because most places don't let more than one person into the changing room at once.

The platforming elements of the game hit their zenith here with conveyor belts. Luckily I've got the gliding cape now.

The boss is some kind of medusa head. It's nowhere near as annoying as the miniboss, to the point where I've already forgotten about it. Onward

The wise tree now tasks Link with defeating Onox. Finally. Can Geodude be far behind?

....s'pokemon joke. Pokemons.

Zelda and Link are this close together and not even a peck. Christ... how about a PECK before I go POSSIBLY DIE, ZELDA

I do a Lord of the Rings esque amount of walking to reach...

...a distortion. Where will this lead?

Castle del Onox, which is unlocked by summoning up the eight items I spent the game collecting. Yep, it's the same deal as usual.

Meanwhile, Zelda is kidnapped (!!!) by Twinrova. Well, THAT was... expected

They call Zelda awful names and roofie her. It's like being in high school again.

Link has no idea that Zelda was kidnapped, presumably. He's still on a crusade to liberate Din and her tight, sexy, fire-goddess body. Onox's castle is quite menacing on the outside, to say the least.

The interior is more your standard dungeon, though obviously trickier than usual. It's full of floors that attack.

We also get different-colored Wizzrobes in here. THIS... is Game Boy Color technology.

The Facade of the Face returns for the umpteenth time, and it's still an incredibly easy fight.

Continuing on, Link is nearly crushed by a flying mace! No relation to famed rapper Ma$e.

Here's Onox, the source of the ball and chain...and he's ready for battle. I'd take him more seriously if he didn't have a conehead helmet.

This guy is a force of destruction as he moves around smashing the room with the ball and chain. He's basically the ultimate evolution of the fan-favorite Ball n' Chain Trooper enemy, had it poke-volved several times.

At some point he whips out crystallized Din and uses her as a shield. What an asshole.

Dodge his mace and strike back enough times and he transforms into a dragon that looks like it's from a different game entirely.

Unfortunately I didn't get any further shots of the fight. It's a side-view fight, which means you're using Roc's Cape to jump and slash his head. The claws function as platforms. It's almost exactly like the final fight of Mega Man X, which makes sense given that Capcom helped make this game.

Onox proceeds to sink into the floor. That's two final bosses down, and the Oracle series is...done? Nope, there's still more to deal with, and since I beat Ages, we'll continue onto the postgame now. Play Seasons alone and it ends here.

Din is rescued from crystalization, and celebrates by dancing about to reggaeton. Women love the reggaeton.

Next up we get a substantial wall of text. Since these posts have generally been awful for conveying the game and its story, I'll just print this verbatim:

Din cuts a rambling promo that would be at home in the first 25 minutes of WWE RAW. Point is, Link is now aware of the kidnapping of Princess Zelda.

Then again, I'm not so sure Zelda will WANT to be rescued, given that the bad guys are apparently trying to make her come over and over.

........................

These posts need Gorilla Monsoon around to go "Will you stop!" every time I start getting out of hand.

3 comments:

  1. Angelic Link! Whoa, this Roc's Cape is a very interesting new item.

    The lamps killed the ghosts? Obviously these were teenage ghosts who enjoy risk.

    Good to see Gleeok again. I remember him!

    Congratulations on winning the 7th item, the...testicles.

    Hahahaha they really made you ignite up a volcano and terraform the land to advance? This is like Shadow of the Colossus Zelda.

    Ball and Chain is a great Zelda boss type.

    You really did get all the heart pieces you could. You're almost full!

    So if you hit the Din shield you also lose right?

    A platformer-style final boss fight: also new.

    Hotly anticipating the finale!

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  2. I really liked the cape in Minish Cap, I forgot that it originated here.

    Those cherries are PROFANE

    Ah yes, the classic attacking floors.

    Wow, that IS Mega Max X-like. I bet it's easier though.

    ReplyDelete
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