Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons #4 - Autumn

 Winter is coming.

This girl gives Link a Member's Card after he allows her to fondle his large ears. Will this gain him entry into a Honeybee Inn type establishment? Let's find out.

The girl who gave him the card then talks about her cocaine use while Link looks on impassively. Lady, if I wanted to hear about that, I'd hang out with George W. Bush.

"...shining in your hot little hand."

Okay, so the card gets me entry to a new shop. It contains a sack of the aforementioned fine Bolivian nasal dust, the teardrop worn by Johnny Depp in Crybaby, and the toilet paper that the plot of Highlander: The Source was written on.

Moving on, Link has the lamest boss fight ever against a Moldorm. It isn't even a full-sized Moldorm; it's one of those mini versions.

Mayor Ruul...I wonder if that's his real name.

Weirdly enough, Mrs. Ruul lives pretty far away. I guess things haven't been the same since she caught him with the maid, Chiquita.

In any case, I'm skimping on some plot coverage here. What's going on is that Link is searching for several different-shaped jewels that are all hidden in the overworld. The Moldorm gave him one, and the others are found from little side-quests.

She's talking about Biggoron, maker of the aptly-named Biggoron Sword. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get it in my game. Not sure if it's a bug or what, since I definitely carried my save over from the other game, and from what I understand that's the only pre-req to activating that particular quest...

In other news, it's sweet how lakes often freeze over when you change the seasons.

The last of the jewels has no relation to Square-Enix. Which is good because then it'd be Square Jewel XIII, Presented By Fabula Nova Crystallis.

With that, our hero is able to utilize the jewels to get into the next area. And yeah, the jewels are the same shapes as the buttons on a Playstation controller. Weird.

Link trudges through the snow, only to reach an impasse. How will I get past this dead end? Ho ho ho, nothing a quick season-change can't solve.

Man, changing the seasons at will never gets old. What a cool idea.

Here's the L2 sword for this game, the Noble's Sword. It turns out that I can't get Biggoron (L4) or the Master Sword (L3) due to glitches, so this is as good as it'll get for me. Damnit.

The good news is that it's sufficient. I remember beating A Link to the Past with the red sword (L3) because I didn't know you could power it up to a gold sword (L4). Had a tough time with Ganon. I've always wondered if it's possible to beat that game with a plain ol' Master (L2) Sword.

The next dungeon is a tower. Uh oh. Last time I played Link's Awakening I was not a fan of the tower level...

Luckily for my tower-hating ways, this isn't really a tower at all. It's more your standard dungeon.

This puzzle was pretty awesome. The switches move back and forth at varying speeds, and... you might have already surmised, they all need to be turned red. It's a simple puzzle, but a fun one.

The treasure here is the L2 Boomerang... now magical. And remote-controlled! It's just like Yamcha's One Move now.

Here's the miniboss, Vire. He was a regular enemy in Link's Awakening, so he's moving up. Someday, he will ascend to boss.

The boss is Manhandla, another Legend of Zelda originale boss. They put a spin on it this time with shifting sand floors that make the fight actually fairly difficult; doesn't help that Manhandla itself is fast and furious now.

After a pitched battle, I get another of those things I gotta collect. Moving on...

The Boss Moblin is now equipped with artillery! Get outta there, Link!

Back in the underworld, Link is the talk of the town. Unfortunately, it turns out Rosa is pregnant, so Link quickly leaves the underworld. Homie don't do child support!

Oh, this should be good. Zelda usually has interesting desert areas.

Our hero stumbles upon a buried ship. What was a ship doing in the middle of the desert to begin with?

Somewhere in the desert, Link finds a severed, yet talking, pirate head. No, seriously.

He lugs it around for a while, but I couldn't figure out what the hell to do with it. I also get lost in the process. Thanks for NOTHING, head!

Back to the underworld, where Link visits the land's finest smithies. They smelt his penis into a new, stronger, L2 penis., shield. I meant shield. This isn't the Mirror Shield, nor do I think the Mirror Shield exists in this game.

Back in the desert, I use the head to get into a cave. ...there's some joke to be made here but I'm not gonna do it.

That results in Link getting a bell... unfortunately it's broken. So I bring the bell to the smithies and politely ask them to fix it, and they SHUT LINK DOWN

Ask them like a rude sociopath instead and they trip over themselves to help Link out and try to win his approval.

I...I think they're women.

I return the repaired bell to the desert, and it allows the undead pirates to set sail once again in their buried ship. None of this makes ANY SENSE

Regardless, godspeed pirates. Godspeed.

I end up in a new area thanks to getting a lift from the pirates. This old man gives Link a quest to hunt rare monsters.

"Because you're a zero!" says the old man. "That's what ya are in life! You'll never amount to NOTHIN! NOW GO GET ME MY CIGS!" ...Dad?

Well, THAT was unpleasant. In any case, the quest is pretty cool, and involves finding super-strong gold versions of certain enemies. Here's the rare Gold Moblin. Once you have the quest, these rare monsters appear after you kill 30ish regular versions.

Golden knight. There's also a Golden Lynel and a Golden Octorok. With that fun little side-quest in the bag...

...the old man finally puts a ring on it. He just made Link the happiest man alive!


I take the ring to Vasu's Jewelers for appraisal, and it turns out to be the best ring in the game: Double sword damage. Stop it, my penis can only get so erect.

Even better news: I also found a ring that turns me into a Like-Like (flan-monster). I put it on and cruise for hotties.

More on this later.


  1. Thanks for getting a shot of one spot in all the different seasons. This kind of thing is quite appealing.

    The pirates DID come back. Nice.

    The "Gold Enemy" idea is pretty cool.

  2. I find it offensive that toilet paper would ever allow something as vile as Highlander: The Source to touch it!

    Surprised Nintendo let that one by. Take out the X and it's innocent enough, but as is...

    I like that season montage. Winter is obvious enough, but what are the functional differences between Spring, Summer, and Fall?

    I like that moving switch puzzle too, that's neat.

    These smithies suck.

    I feel like these games could use a little more combat on the field, so I like this new quest.

    If you're a Like-Like, do you eat your own shield?