Saturday, August 22, 2015

Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons #2 - Spring

Previously on Oracle of Seasons, former Vermont governor Howard Dean cut a battle rap on the Dungeon 1 boss, shaming him offstage with tales of his time in Cranbrook (that's a private school!)

Now, Link takes a moment to talk to...a guy in sunglasses? Did I step into Earthbound?

These weird Jawa-esque people say "like" when they talk. It's weird. Regardless, Subrosia is the underworld of this land.

What follows is a bizarre minigame where Link has to stalk a Jawa girl through the woods. This is quickly getting creepy. I hope there are no Stand Your Ground laws in this place.

Our hero arrives in Subrosia, which is a bit magma-themed. Interesting. It's certainly a departure from the relatively beautiful overworld.

Spring's alright. I appreciated it more this year after what felt like THE LONGEST WINTER EVER.

In this frozen temple, our hero finds the most important item in the game...

...the Rod of Seasons. It changes the seasons, much like the N64 Changed The System. Historians still debate what that actually meant.

Din is a friend to little sprites and fairies of all kinds, it seems. She's quite the social butterfly, much like Nayru. I'd like to know what Farore is like, but that game never came to pass.

The Jawas have a somewhat seedy workshop filled with shovels and hammers. What are they building here? Whatever it is, it can't be anything good.

This one has a boomerang. Looks to me like these guys just collect Zelda weapons.

::funky music begins to play::

However, there's no time for sauntering in the steamy pool; the dance hall is nearby, and Link thirsts for Reggaeton.

Link shows off his freshest, most-happening dance moves in front of the Jawa audience.

It...doesn't go over too well, and he gets booed off stage. Maybe he should stick to battle rapping.

Despite getting completely Served, our hero is awarded a boomerang of his own. I guess this is the participation award. Unfortunately, it isn't the death machine that it was in Link's Awakening; it has a short range and only stuns foes.

Tree stumps are used in conjunction with the Rod of Seasons to transform winter into summer. All things considered, this is actually a really cool game mechanic.

Link surprises Malon and they have raucous sex. He may not have gone all the way with Marin, but By God Link has learned from his mistakes!

...I've got nothing today.

After Link gives her no less than three orgasms, Malon gives him the gift of shoveling. Now the player can dig all over the place if they are so inclined...but don't expect to find a lot.

Tingle lurks.

Dungeon 2 is found before too long, and judging from that nearby rock I wouldn't be surprised if this game pulls a Link's Awakening and gives me the Power Bracelet here.

Wait a second... Snake's Remains?? SNAKE?? SNAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

Well, I was GOING to take on avenging the death of Solid Snake, but it appears that Malon requires Link's burly man-strength to...shovel her driveway.

Back at the second dungeon (and holding an icepack to his groin) Link finds a cache of rupees.

If there was any doubt about Tingle's presence in this game before, the neon purple floor dispels it quickly.

I was right about the treasure of this dungeon, as heavy techno plays in the background.


The boss here is the easiest boss in Zelda history (well, besides the Angler Fish). The Facade of the Face makes his triumphant return, I drop a few bombs, the fight ends, I move on.

AHA! That was just a miniboss! The real boss here is original NES game refugee Dodongo. Of course, Dodongo dislikes smoke, so between this and the face, woe to you if you don't have enough bombs to defeat both.

The bombs merely stun Dodongo; after that you need to throw him into a pit of spikes. FATALITY.

Someday, Dodongo may evolve and learn not to eat bombs. On that day...we'll all be screwed.

This game has plenty of heart pieces to find, as is tradition. So far it's much easier than Ages, and more fun to boot. Rather than constantly beating your head against difficult puzzles, this game just throws lots of action your way.

Meanwhile, back in Oracle of Ages... that's right, I fired up the old save file.

Weird to instantly have an endgame inventory. I need to find a certain password here to bring back to Seasons for some cross-game synergy.

The objective here is to find the nefarious Tingle, who's got four words for ya. And if you ain't down with that...

Here's the password I needed. Back to Seasons before I get roped into some ultra-difficult puzzle...

It's great to be back, even if it is winter. Just need to find a tree stump and I can switch to spring. Of all the Zelda powers one could have in real life, I think I'd most like to have this one.

This just in, Princess Zelda has been kidnapped. As if Din weren't enough. Luckily, these helpless women have a MAN around to save them. As God intended!

Well, I wouldn't mind playing as Zelda in one of these games and having to rescue Link. There's a lot of potential in that idea, especially since it has been well-established that Zelda can wield a sword in the modern games.

It doesn't take long to find Zelda. She's being accosted by the Moblin Boss, seen here looking way too much like Ganon.

Moblin Boss may like his women high-class, but one thing he doesn't like is Link always interfering with his plans.

His fluff boys attack our hero en masse, but it is to no avail as he goes through them like a heated katana.

The boss retreated; I'll get him later. Here's Zelda, and...apparently they've never met before. So I guess this isn't a sequel to any of the other Zelda games. My kingdom for SOME SORT OF CONTINUITY in this series.

Ah, whatever...

Hmm, what's this? A boxing club?

Indeed, it appears that Blaino has gone from being a miniboss in Link's Awakening to being a boxing club proprietor. Good for him!

What follows is a brawl, as Blaino completely beats the crap out of Link. It ain't pretty, to say the least...


Link fights back with a flurry! RING OUT VICTORY

Got a pair of...kangaroo gloves that I can't use. Regardless, that was the greatest fight scene in 2D Zelda history.

Our hero returns to Ricky the Kangaroo and hands over the new gloves. Seems America's favorite epic mount can equip the gloves and sock enemies with them.

Thanks to Ricky, I can leap up to higher ledges. This is a really big deal in a Zelda game.

Alas, Ricky now bids our hero farewell and they victory-pose as the scene freezes.


Link finds a key and uses it to open a nearby watergate...

...causing a FEMA disaster of epic proportions.

Now that Link has caused millions in property damage, what lies ahead for our intrepid hero?


  1. Wonder if these people who say "like" all the time said "ne" a lot in the Japanese version.

    The Jawas have very different dance standards than the Gorons, clearly.

    Link got served! This is a great time capsule.

    Makes sense for boomerang to be weaker than in Link's Awakening since you're getting it so much earlier and in Awakening it was the end of the trading game. This game doesn't have a trading game it appears. Does it have anything to substitute?

    What'd you get for plugging in the password?

    Did you use a sword in that boxing match?

    Being able to jump up ledges is a godsend.

    1. I think the boxing match is just punching. Passwords basically tell the game that you did something in the other game. I was trying to unlock the L3 sword and couldn't because ROM glitches, most likely. I think this game does indeed have a trading sequence but I pretty much just skipped over talking about it. Ages definitely does.

  2. That's not Malon! Malon has red hair and a smaller sprite! That lady has green hair and an odango.

    You THROW Dodongo? My GOD.

    You can play as Zelda in that SNES satellite remake of the first game, though I've never finished it and have no idea what's at the end. Might be Link, might be... another Zelda.

    Weird how Zelda is in this one but not Ages. There is an official timeline now, though I think that's mostly because Skyward Sword makes a point of being the origin story for the entire saga, and it does officially explain what's going on here.