Thursday, August 6, 2015

Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages #2 - Teaching Mr. Tingle

Today in Oracle of Ages: The psycho-sexual thriller of the year. Starring Natalie Portman, Tingle, and Tingle's tiny green penis. Oh yeah.

The next area is a bit of a PITA. These elves "reshuffle" the woods as you try to proceed through. It's sorta like the Lost Woods in Link's Awakening. Why are these elves such bastards?

They make you find all of them hidden in bushes before they'll let you through. Argh. Well, it isn't as bad as having to hunt down the Skull Kid in Twilight Princess. Plus, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's finding things in bushes. ...however, that stopped being necessary around 2005.

The second dungeon collapses as I draw near. NO! ALL THOSE INNOCENT MONSTERS that I would have killed regardless

Back in town, Link encounters... the Happy Mask Salesman. Perhaps the most chilling character in the series, the Happy Mask Salesman is responsible for the murders of numerous people. Wherever he travels, a great undoing of nature follows.

Here's the Harp of Ages. With this, I can travel between past and present more or less at will instead of getting jerked around by God or Fate or Time. And to celebrate... clouds fly in and buzz around Link's head. GO AWAY! Is there no bug spray in Gilead??

At this point, everyone in the land starts talking about Queen Ambi and how they want to "find that which she desires". Do they mean the G-Spot? Didn't that get proven to be a myth? And if so why have all of my girlfriends had one?

Damn you Miyamoto! And people think you're innocent and adorable! Your dark side is evident, Shigeru-san!

Man, even the Dragon Warrior soldier is in on this whole deal. You used to be cool, man!

There's Queen Ambi. She's another hottie. No wonder everyone's after her.


Enough of that nonsense, onward to Dungeon 2. The puzzles start really ramping up now. Oh, how did I get in here after it collapsed, you ask? I simply went back to before the collapse. Well, that works. Pretty cool idea too.

This game has far more side-scrolling sections than Link's Awakening. Surprised, I figured they'd phase out these mechanics rather than use them more. They're a little unwieldy with the control scheme the way it is.

A quick look at the map. The rooms may be represented by squares, but unlike Link's Awakening a room can consist of multiple squares. The rooms exist in all shapes and sizes.

Lots of boss rooms are four squares, for instance. Here's our next miniboss, an odd bat. It guards...

My favorite item. It lets Link jump, plus it's great for tickling women's feet. Or so I've heard.

Since it's blue, I wonder if it's freshly plucked from Roostamoor, the Blue Rooster.

....naah. If it were, the plucker would not have lived.

Roostamoor is a beast of short temper.

Color-oriented rooms begin to show up here. Was wondering when they'd start using colors in puzzles. The Color Dungeon in Link's Awakening DX barely scratched the surface of what they could do with this technology.

It just me, or are the Thwomps getting creepier? Regardless, here's the next boss. You throw bombs into it from above to make it blow up. Kinda fun fight, this one. It's like something out of Super Mario Bros 2.

He can only be damaged while red; while green he launches a torrent of fireballs.

Bob Dole makes a guest appearance as the second Essence of Time.

...A Bob Dole reference? I'm what the kids call "with it" and "hip".

I grab a heart piece thanks to the feather. Roc's Feather: Not just for tickling feet anymore.

I'll probably stop including shots of heart pieces from here on out. Suffice to say, there are lots, and I tried to get all of them.

This person appears to be trapped in a toilet. I don't even... I don't even know.

Nayru's "boyfriend" shows up and pledges to help Link save the world. Whew, thank God he's on my side. Just... thank God.

This shop is filled with...multi-colored parrots. How weird is this game going to get?

Here's your answer: A blue bear is being accosted by ghosts in the woods. Link rescues him, then acquires him as a mount.

No, seriously, this game has MOUNTS. How awesome and unexpected.

Flippers are acquired earlier than they usually are in these games. It's a double-edged sword, though, because this means the dreaded water-based puzzles will begin to show up sooner.

The blue bear sprouts wings and flies off at this point. So far, this game is more like someone's peyote dream than the actual dream game, Link's Awakening, was.

These gloves belong to... a kangaroo boxer. That's right. Ricky the Kangaroo is a boxing champion, as well as Link's next ridable pet. Or as WoW players call them, Epic Mount.

I like how he carries Link around via pouch. With his punches, he's even more dangerous than the bear. He can also leap up ledges, a first for the 2D games in this series.

This allows me to reach "Man-Beast" Tingle, star of the outrageous comedy hit Teaching Mr. Tingle.

Now on DVD!


The question is...AM I smitten with forest fairies? If we're talking about Navi-like gnats that fly around and go "Hey! Listen!" then no thanks. If we're talking about Tingle here...

...then Oh Hell Yes.

The hell you are, boy!

Tingle is 35, which makes him ancient like an Ent in Japanese game years.

Oh yes! Talk dirty to me more, Tingle-sama!

Some pretty cool raft-riding follows, as Link travels to his next destination.

I will not!

Disaster follows, as our hero gets struck by lightning. I should have listened to that NPC in the house.

Link washes up on some island, where he is robbed blind by a bunch of lizardmen. What the hell is going on here?

What follows is a lengthy section where you get your items back, little by little, from the lizardmen. Let's just say it's a good thing I got the shovel back first, because someone's going to have to dig the graves.

Got the feather, ruining the nefarious plans of the lizardmen to use it to pleasure the lizardwomen.

After getting all my items back, I finally move on to the third dungeon. It's about time...I'd say business is about to pick up.


  1. For a happy mask salesman he sure looks awfully angry.

    Him throwing fireballs makes it even more like Mario 2. Pretty cool.

    You know, I think I figured out what Queen Anbi desires. It's pretty obvious in retrospect.

    ...I'm talking about Tingle of course.

  2. Huh. I could've sworn that "shop" with all the parrots is actually a tutorial room where they explain stuff to you. Oh well, my memory must be getting rusty. It's been a while since I've played this game.

    1. You might be remembering right. I played this a while ago too so my memory might be the one that is rusty. I wish I'd covered it sooner.

  3. Happy Mask Salesman really does have the worst face.

    You're right about this game having great NPCs and dreamlike weirdness. It really is an appropriate successor to Link's Awakening.

    I never expected Zelda games to have mounts. But it makes a lot of sense and is eminently possible with the technology. A great innovation.

    Tingle is such a scamp. I didn't expect it even after you warned me!