Thursday, August 20, 2015

Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Game Boy Color, 2001)

Here we go, the other half of the Oracle equation. Ages had to do with the flow of time, while this one has to do with the passing of seasons. Which is also time. Er...

Well, point is, while Ages had you bouncing between past and present, this one has you bouncing between the four seasons (in the present, I guess) to affect your surroundings. So basically, Link can control the weather. Which would be really cool in real life, especially when we just had the hottest month in Earth's history.

While Ages is very difficult and puzzle-heavy, this one is on the easier side and combat-centric. I vastly prefer this game. Seriously, Ages was hard to enjoy. Onward and upward though.

DEAN RETURNS! This time it's a different Dean, though. It's...


Just kidding, I still had former Vermont Governor Howard Dean in mind for this one. YEAHHHH!

After entering the password given at the end of Ages, the story picks up right where it left off. Remember Veran? That's the purple lady with the comically huge boobs. The villain of the previous game.

After the story scenes, we jump to the beginning of Seasons. These graphics are immediately a blast from the past. They're so Link's Awakening-y.

Apparently Link was in a coma for a short while, like Steven Seagal in that one movie. He didn't grow a beard, though.

As far as the three goddesses go, the previous game had Nayru, and this one has Din. Poor Farore, the third goddess, was supposed to get her own Oracle game as well, but it was cancelled. I wonder what it would have been called. Oracle of Reflection, probably, since that game was going to be a remake of Zelda 1's world. They took whatever they'd finished of that game and rolled it into this game, so expect to see some Zelda 1 similarities here.

Nearby are a bunch of drunken bards who tell Link about how hot Din is. Unfortunately, no one can be told how hot Din truly have to see it for yourself.

This sassy redhead wears a skin-tight bodysuit. Goddess of fire INDEED

Another drunk midget arrives on the scene. What the hell kind of game is this?

After Din grinds on Link for a moment, she notes that it has been some time since she had a man.


Evil chanting accompanies the arrival of... General Onox, the big bad of this game. He's a much fiercer opponent than Veran.

Onox rips apart the gypsy camp in tornado-form while accusing Link of murdering Veran.

Eventually he barfs from all the spinning and runs away. What does he look like when he isn't a tornado, you ask?

Like a big armored knight. He manages to kidnap Din somewhere in there, and now she's tied up in his fortress.

I think we all know, but this is a PG game. Time for a timely cut-away, thank God.



...oh, he just traps her in a crystal. Phew. I didn't like where that was going.

The nefarious base of Onox, seen here, is the goal of this game. And after Onox, I'll take on Ganon.

Our hero wakes up from another coma and finds himself in a frozen wasteland. Impa looks on impassively.

Impa informs our hero that several seasons have gone by and that Din needs rescuing. Whatevs, let's get to the action.

I get the L-1 sword right out of the gate for this one. Since it's a transferred game from Ages, I'll be able to get the L-3 sword later on in this one. Also, I start with four hearts instead of three due to the transfer. For some reason I thought you started with six... four kinda isn't really any kind of noticeable enhancement, even at the beginning.

Whoa, it's Malon from Ocarina of Time. Her and her dad have no relation to Marin and Tarin from Link's Awakening, aside from being spiritual successors.

Next up, Link tries to rescue a cat from a tree. HOW HEROIC IS THIS MAN

"Maybe I don't wanna be rescued! It's a place to sleep! Beggars can't be picky, motherfucker!" ::BLAM BLAM::

After dodging bullets, our hero slaughters some Ents.

Finally he reaches the king Ent, takes an axe to it, and pulls the Dungeon 1 Key out of the tree-corpse. Let's just move on.

Dungeon 1 is out on an island, not unlike the first dungeon of the original Legend of Zelda. This is a good example of how the scrapped third Oracle game was integrated into this one.

Dungeon 1 itself has no similarity to the NES game, though. Most of the similarities are found in overworld areas. Regardless, this dungeon has you lighting a lot of torches, as is tradition.

The miniboss here is a pair of different-colored moblins. Was this Nintendo's way of supporting racial diversity and integration?

The dungeon loot is the Seed Bag, which stores various seeds with different effects. The first and most important effect is the Fire Seed, which lights torches. Well, this isn't as interesting or game-changing as the Roc's Feather, but I'll take it. It's basically the Lantern.

This game brings back the Boss Key, as usual. It's always exciting to find these, because you know the boss is near.

The first boss is Aquamentus, also the first boss of the original NES game. He headbutts Link, who immediately dies.

One thing is for sure: Save and Quit is not what I'll be choosing. THE GAME MUST GO ON.

Aquamentus is now all "Har har, back for more?"

Dean stands firm, not moving or showing any emotion. Gradually, he raises the microphone.


"Everybody in the 313! Put yo m******f*****ing hands up! Look, look..."

Dean: "Now while he stands tough, notice that this man did not have his hands up!"

Audience: "OHHHH!"

"This free world's got you gassed up! Now who's afraid of the big bad wolf? One! Two! Three and to the four! One pac! Two pac! Three pac! Four! Four pac, three pac, two pac, one! You're pac, he's pac!"

Dean: "No pac, NONE!"

Audience: "OHHHHH"

"This guy ain't no motherf*****ing MC! I know everything he's got to say against me! I AM white! I AM a fuckin' bum!"

Dean: "I DO live in a trailer with my mom! My boy future IS an uncle tom! I DO got a young friend named John Kerry who shoots himself in his leg with his own gun!"

"I DID get jumped! By all SIX of you chumps!"

"And Wink DID fuck my girl! I'm STILL standing here screaming fuck the free world!"

Audience: "OHHHHH!"

Dean: "Don't EVER try to judge me, dude! You don't know what the fuck I've been through!"

"But I know something about you!"

Dean: "You went to Cranbrook, that's a PRIVATE SCHOOL!"

"What's the matter dogg, you embarassed?"

Dean: "This guy's a dragon? His real name is Clarence!"

"And Clarence lives at home with both parents! And Clarence parents have a real good marriage!"

Dean: "This guy don't wanna battle, he's shook! Cause ain't no such things as half-way crooks! He's scared to death, he's scared to look in his f****ckin' yearbook, f** Cranbrook!"

Dean: "Fuck the beat, I'll go acapella! F**** Aquamentus, f*** a clock, f** a trailer, f**** everybody!"

"Fuck YOU if you doubt me! And fuck this battle, I don't wanna win, I'm outtie."

"Here, tell these people something they don't know about me." ::drops mic::

::the Audience erupts with cheers::

::the camera focuses on Aquamentus as the beat starts again::


Audience: "CHOKE! CHOKE! CHOKE!"


Audience: "CHOKE! CHOKE! CHOKE!"



::Aquamentus drops the mic and walks away::

::the crowd erupts again and parades Link around on their shoulders::

The first beaten.

And I just had former Vermont governor Howard Dean cut the 8 Mile battle rap on a Zelda boss.

You're NEVER going to see that happen ANYWHERE else.


  1. The first game was great so I'm excited for this one too.
    I must say the minor characters in this game are really appealing. Can Din be in this game longer?

    Veran toootally freaked me out too. Too real.

    It's so amazing that Mitt Romney himself went to Cranbrook.

    These are the best Zelda posts out there. Looking forward to seeing how the Seasons work in this game!

  2. "Seasons change, time passes by..."


    I think we should just be happy this tree isn't hitting on you.

    Aquamentus just got SERVED.