Thursday, August 13, 2015

Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages #3 - Dodongo Dislikes Dean

As far as I can tell, most people played Seasons first. I should have started with that one myself because it's a lot easier than this brutal game. Ah well. ProTip: Play Seasons first.

Moonlit Grotto: A terrific place to bring a date...that you're trying to kill for some reason.

Now that he has the Seed Shooter, Link can spray his seed everywhere!


The Seed Shooter is actually one of the cooler new items. Seeds in this game are sorta like the Magic Powder in Link's Awakening, except there are a few varieties. Ember Seeds light torches, Mystery Seeds do weird stuff like transform enemies, Gale Seeds warp you to warp points, Pegasus Seeds give you super speed for ten seconds (waaay better than Pegasus Boots), and Scent Seeds distract enemies by drawing them to a different location, Far Cry style. Normally you can only puff them one square over like the Magic Powder, but with the Seed Shooter you can fire the offense-based seeds across the screen.

As seen here as I light a torch. Also, seeds can be fired diagonally and ricocheted off of walls. Sounds awesome, right? Well, this leads to some pretty insane puzzles. The more out-of-the-box abilities you have, the more ridiculous the game gets in the puzzle department.

Miniboss time. This mole hides underground until you dig him up with the shovel. Luckily, I have tremendous digging skills from all the murdering.

Here's the reward, as this relatively short dungeon nears an end. What I'm wondering is... if this is the Moonlit Grotto, why isn't it moonlit? Doesn't look like anything out of the ordinary.

The boss is a Poe, and it only attacks / becomes vulnerable when you look away from it. Like Mario ghosts. So, how do you defeat such an enemy? Well, you may have already figured it out: Seed Shooter ricochet power. You bounce seeds off the walls to hit him with your back turned.

Our hero finds a dodongo washed up on the shore. Luckily, this dodongo is friendly, and LOVES smoke.

After puffing on a blunt together, Link hops on his new Epic Mount and they set sail. Now I can travel past all of the sharp currents that I had no way to pass before.

I get an upgrade to my amount of storable ammo from Tingle. He's like those angry little imps that blast you with lightning in the other games. Sort of.

Meanwhile, in the main shop, an odd flute is for sale. It runs a cool 150 rupees, but I go with it in case it's important later. Ya never know if I might need to club someone over the head or something.

Oh shit! A fairy who says "listen!"


Here's Dimitri again, chilling out in a field and puffing on a cigar while setting fires.

Hey, at least it's better than Dimitri! I'll send you BACK TO RUSSIA, YA COMMIE JERK!

Thanks to him, I climb the mountains and find a village in flames. Well, that's what happens if you let Tingle run around in a flammable environment, damn it!

...Now all I have to do is a make a joke about The Gypsies and I'll get Hitler Bingo for the month.

Turns out they built this town next to a volcano. Not sure what the thought process was on that one. Maybe they didn't notice the volcano.

I travel to the past to save the town... and find a strange man swaying about to snake charmer music. This would be so much hotter if it were a girl in a bellydancing outfit. Ever date a girl who knows how to bellydance? It's like a whole different world in bed.

Link throws bombs into this pond, prompting an appearance by an irate Smokey Bear, followed by a steep fine.

The end result? This fairy appears and boosts my bomb-carrying capacity. I like stuff like this.

Next up, our hero climbs a massive wall to reach the hellish Dungeon 4. It's leaps and bounds harder than the previous three.

This wall is quite a climb. Reminds me of something out of one of the N64 games.

At the top is a weird old man. He makes Link play a bizarre minigame.

Said minigame involves pushing beetles into pits. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

Victory gets me this nut, as well as a sense of superiority that goes with being called "Beetle Master". Said nut allows you to shut down the volcano. ...again, what is happening here?

In the present...the volcano is now a waterfall. And that door? Why, that's...

::high-pitched screaming is heard::

This is damn-near the hardest dungeon in the game. It's harder than dungeons five, six, and even eight. It blows away the first three. It annihilates anything in Link's Awakening or Oracle of Seasons.

Only dungeon seven of this game manages to out-do the difficulty spike of dungeon four. But I'll get to that later. The main reason dungeon four is so difficult is that it's full of lava.

Miniboss fight! It's that giant Armos from Link's Awakening. I've been a fan of these things ever since they gave Link a six-on-one beatdown in A Link to the Past.

This game's version of the Hookshot kinda sucks in comparison, but it's fun to mess with. It lets you switch places with distant objects; the negative is that it doesn't damage most enemies.

Here's a good spot to use it. You can switch places with that pot instantly rather than risking a fall by jumping.

The Obligatory Eye Boss is no problem whatsoever after the completely hellish dungeon. I barely even remember this fight.

Four down, four to go. About halfway there now, depending on how much endgame it throws my way.

Damn clouds! Get off me!

At this point I can go to the Witch Shop, home of the crucial Red Potion. Not only does it heal you, it really mighties the penis.

On that note, I misread this as "Poe Cock". Regardless, you trade this thing for some letters, which are presumably someone's mail. Do you deliver the mail to the intended recipients? No, of course not! You...

...give it to the weirdo trapped in the bathroom. He has been in there for a while, hasn't he?

He gives you, quite literally, a bag of poop. Did I just step into a Conker game?

Luckily, the poop bag is a highly prized and sought-after item to the Lizard People.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, dude, I know. Can we get on with this trade?

He gives Link some meat. I hope Link cooks this meat very thoroughly, given everything that just transpired.

The Happy Mask Salesman accepts the meat and forks over a Dog Mask. Yep. Maybe I can put this on that chain chomp from Link's Awakening and make him look like an actual dog.

I bring it to a local parent, and get equipped with some weights. Now Link can get buff! Maybe then Zelda will actually start having sex with him.

The odd swaying gentleman takes the weights, and immediately begins lifting while music from American Beauty plays. Welcome to Hyrule's weirdest home videos.

Just make sure they aren't your daughter's age, pal. More on this later.


  1. I like this Poe boss, classic clever design.

    Tuni Nut... Tunak Tunak?

    You turned poo into food! This game really does twist time around.

  2. Seed shooter is a terrific idea.

    Really enjoyed learning about all these puzzles and creative ways to win fights. Also really like the trading game, and I'm glad you set it up in earlier messages.

    Why did they live next to a volcano? Had a volcano across the bay from me in Japan and people lived next to that, too.

    This is really high-quality post. I give it 4 stars.