Friday, January 2, 2015

Best of Corona Jumper 2014

Time for the selected best of the past year. And by "best" I mean "wholly subjective best". Your mileage may vary.

While we're at it, check out last year's Best of Corona Jumper for more of the razor wit that is Corona Jumper.

Modern comments will be bolded.


Here we go, mostly chronologically.

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His stage is a bit tricky. Have to deal with rainfall that pushes you a bit when you jump. For something like this, with the wind pushing you towards the left, you need to jump from the very edge of the platform. It also helps if Mega Man passes gas really hard just as you leap.

Damn, the year is two days old and I've already used up my one fart joke for the year.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I actually followed through on this

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 Their passion for justice is rivaled only by their passion for each other. Here we see them about to share a kiss. LOOK OUT! ZOMBIE!

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 "Out in the mean streets, my hoes call me Sugar-Bear."

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Sonic the Hedgehog 2 brought us lots of sex appeal.

 
Why does this screen REALLY remind me of a Persona game? If Sonic starts shooting himself in the head to draw out his guardian spirit... it'll probably mean he saw a glimpse of the future Sonic '06.

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Invincible Sonic is quite sparkly. He shimmers as he scampers to and fro like a Twilight vampire in sunlight, the dandiest of lads.

Well, hey, Twilight did give us one scene that I enjoyed... Bella in short shorts and somehow every good sex position at once.

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After getting lost for what seemed like an hour, I finally get to the end of this area. Time to clash with Submarine Robotnik in a battle for naval supremacy. Not to be confused with the Rousey/Miesha battle for navel supremacy that was waged at UFC 168 recently.

Regardless of who has the superior belly, I just like that both of these women could probably kill me.

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 Beat-em-ups are usually a lot of fun to cover, be it Altered Beast or Double Dragon. And speaking of...


The Game Boy Players Guide strikes again, as it introduces is to the cast of characters. Billy and Jimmy Lee are the heroes of the game (Co-op play with your friends via a Game Link Cable! Sold separately!) as they do battle with... well, from the looks of things, the Tight Pants Brigade.

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With that, Billy is reunited with Marian, whose nether-regions smell like Japanese cherry blossoms.

Damn you, Billy. Damn you to hell.

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This year, I also covered an epic martial arts masterpiece...of sorts.

  
 Meanwhile, The RZA shows... excitement? upon seeing Lady Silk. I gotta say, this guy has no discernable emotions, one of the weaknesses of this movie.

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Here's the leader of the Lion Clan, the presumably-benevolent Gold Lion. On the left is the vile Silver Lion, on the right is the... kinda-nondescript Bronze Lion. Not pictured are Copper Lion, Wood Lion, Tin Lion, Plastic Lion, Rubber Lion, and Snoop Lion.

 Long story short... Silver Lion has Gold Lion killed, and now he's the leader of the clan, with Bronze Lion his second-in-command. No word on if Silver Lion now gets bumped up to Gold Lion. That'd make Bronze Lion the new Silver Lion, and... uh... Wood Lion or something would get a sweet rank upgrade and finally achieve his dream of being a metal.

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 By the way, this is also his O-Face.

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This year I also painstakingly covered several too-long games, like Romancing SaGa III (which didn't make it into this post, alas) and Live-a-Live.

Dr. Toei orders Akira to sit on the toilet, then stands there and looks at him. I'm not making any of this up. I wasn't making anything up in the last post either. This game is just MESSED UP.

 Dr. Toei plays some music as Akira does his business, then a pipe extends from the toilet into the mech's head. I'M NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.

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 Our hero stumbles upon that room he looked down on earlier. What's with these choices? I can either spin her around or kill her? Holy shit! Is this Live-a-Live: Vice City?

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Hey Kids! Do you like falling down vertical hallways lined with spikes?

...no, not so much. This is more perilous than the interior of Ann Coulter's nether-regions.

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As the year went on, I covered a lot of RPGs.


Techno music also plays here as the world becomes a flashing LSD trip of pyrotechnic rainbow fireworks and "Move Your Body" by Eiffel 65 plays.

Connor: "MOVE YOUR BODY!"

There it is, the last dungeon.

Connor: "EVERY EVERY BODY!"

Connor: "MOVE YOUR BODY! EVERY EVERY BODY! MOVE YOUR BODY! COME ON NOW EVERYBODY!"

Wait, what the hell am I doing? I'm level 9!

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 Next up is the wisened mage, HERP. He can't be too wise, because he's got an embarassing case of... you guessed it, the clap.

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 What? NO! I walk over this one-tile-wide stream of water and it kills off my fighter. I actually didn't think it'd let me walk over the water. Not only did it indeed allow it, it dropped him right in to his death.

 NO! NOT DIANE TOO! This happened while I was moving off of the water tile. NUN also bit the dust.

And then there was one. HERP is really the worse for wear at this point. He has survived booby trapped chest, booby trapped floors, and the succulent boobies of DIANE in leather. 

Oh thank God! This must be the inn! Help us! HELP US!!!

 Well, even though we're supposed to save the land from Exodus, they can't charge us a decent rate on revivals. One revive is waaaay more than I have gold.

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 There isn't much left to do but celebrate St. Paddy's Day in style.

HIT ME!

BY GOD, HERP HAS THE ALCOHOL TOLERANCE OF A BRONTOSAURUS!

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 If you tell him that you aren't in good health, he...

...heals you for free! What kind of socialist commie medicine is this?

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That young warrior... well, he was weak and had no friends, so it was a lucky break that the bad guys never attacked him more than one at a time.

The bad guys were good sports back then! The olde days where men were men, and Slimes were men too. Fair fights were had by all.

But then, one day... one man changed all of that.

His name was Hargon.

And he did the unthinkable. He sent his minions to attack a good guy... two on one.

Before long, Hargon and his minions overran the forces of good. While the benevolent knights of the kingdom refused to team up against their foes, Hargon's minions would attack them two, even three on one. It was a slaughter.

A new, dark era has dawned in the land of Alefgard. An era where the monsters attack in groups.
 Will any hero be able to overcome this seemingly insurmountable advantage possessed by the side of evil?

If only there were some way for the heroes to ALSO travel in groups. It is a power that has been lost to the passing of time and generations... but legend says that once, long ago, the great Erdrick achieved this feat. Wait, I thought Erdrick did everything himself? He's the only one the cutscenes ever refer to. He's like an NFL quarterback.

 New England Patriots! Featuring Tom Brady and Others!

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A clearly drunken Bulma shows up and tries to talk Bills and Whis into the world's grossest foursome.

What follows is... Bills partying with our heroes. The only person missing is Chaozu, who exploded as soon as Bills arrived.

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Get out of the way! FUCK'S SAKE, MAN! YOU RUINED MY SCENE!

YOU'RE AMATEUR, MAN! FUCKIN' AMATEUR! WE ARE DONE PROFESSIONALLY!

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Toad wields the snake aloft and prays to his discordant god to bless it in the afterlife. Then he unhinges his jaw and devours it whole.

"A new era has begun for the people of Sub-con! Happy days are here!"

 "THE MARROW OF THE SERPENT GIVES ME TUNNELING POWER."

Toad hunches over and rapidly burrows through the desert sand.

When Toad reaches Birdo, the egg-spitting fiend just shrieks and leaps off a cliff to his death. WHY? BIRDO NO!

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This is the worst thing Square-Enix has ever done.

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 Next up, we jump forward to the signature rivalry of the DBZ series, Gokou Vs. Vegeta. It's a bit disappointing that the game entirely skips over the battles with Raditz and Nappa. I want to fight the Saibamen, dammit!

The later DBZ games for the PS2 and Wii (and onward) would take things in the other direction, giving us EVERY POSSIBLE BATTLE to the point that their story modes take ages. If two characters even looked at each other funny in the series, they'll have a battle in the latter-day DBZ games.

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 One particularly irritating thing about this game is that the computer CONSTANTLY turtles up and blocks. You can stand there and not do anything and the computer is more likely to cautiously block than launch an attack. It drags the fights out way more than is necessary.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Sounds very DBZ-accurate)

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Speaking of people skills, Kuririn doesn't have any. Saichoro is welcoming him in to enjoy fine Namekian tea and Kuririn is all "fuck that, give me your Dragonball". No word on if Saichoro laughed hysterically when Kuririn said he'd guard it from Vegeta and Freeza.

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 Luckily, it's again a mercifully short minigame. All of these training minigames are quick and to the point, hardly the extended grind-fests that they were in the first game. Piccolo finishes the minigame and gets 55,000 BP. Seriously? Imagine if Gokou had gotten anywhere near that for -doing the same thing- before. He could have flattened the Saiyans!

Truth be told, Piccolo might be the ultimate Deus Ex Machina character in this series. He always gets whatever massive power gain he needs to beat the villain of the moment (but not the villain's next form). And it always makes you wonder why he didn't pull this Deus Ex Machina technique out of his ass earlier during another dire imminent threat. Case in point, his training with King Kai, his fusion with Nail, his fusion with Kami.

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Next time I play a modern DBZ fighting game where you can choose a single character for the whole story mode (if such a game exists), I'm going to go with Burter for all the fights. While you may not have won anything in the show... you'll always be the champion of my heart, you magnificent blue bastard.


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Heeeeey.

Moments after this picture was taken, she tased Sting. My God! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!

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In the year 2029, Moe from The Three Stooges breaks into Skynet and discovers that... Robocop is the reason Skynet exists. They interfaced a computer with Robocop's brain and it allowed Skynet to develop self-awareness, or something like that.

 Moe from The Three Stooges isn't making very much sense. Skynet turned into an army of Terminators? I don't think that's quite how it went.

It turns out that Moe from The Three Stooges is actually a female resistance soldier - with an amount of androgyny that would give Japanese video game makers an erection. She sends herself back in time to stop Robocop right after learning of his treachery. Shouldn't she maybe check with John Connor first? How'd she even get in here?

But wait! Some terminator walks in and discovers that the Time Displacement Equipment was just used by a human. Again, how did she get in there? The humans clearly haven't won the war yet, otherwise JC and Friends would be here and there wouldn't be any terminators. Was Moe-lady the stealthiest human ever or something?

The bad guys then proceed to send a bunch of terminators back in time. ...to stop the woman who just went back to destroy Robocop. .......so the terminators are going back in time to PROTECT Robocop?

And I have no idea what's going on as the game begins. Here we see Robocop battling through the ruins of 2029!

...wait, I'm being told that this is modern-day Detroit. Well, honest mistake.

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 At the end of the first stage, Moe appears! And she's going to whoop Robocop's ass! ...or something. Not sure how she plans on doing that.

...It doesn't matter, because she immediately gets killed in a drive-by shooting. Yes, Moe survived the Future War, but a few minutes in modern Detroit do her in.

::insert any D12 song here:: 
 
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Arena wasn't the only Elder Scroll I played this year. While I enjoyed Arena, I really struggled with this next one due to all the glitches it has. Either way, can Morrowind be far behind?


I find a yellow poncho before too long. I think the best thing about this guy is the face I went with. That face... My God.

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Significantly more fetching than Hodor is this lass. She's the spell-maker for the guild, and lets you design your own spells. She also has long, flowing hair.

What the fuck, man! Put your stuff back on!

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Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of...

 ...a SPACE FETUS?

The first cutscene of the game is supremely well-done, at least. Though this game has a creepy emphasis on moms and babies. The initials are MOM, the title makes no sense other than that, and they constantly make references to these things. The very first shot of the game is Samus as a fetus...for no reason. In the first cutscene she refers to the Metroid Hatchling as "the baby", then calls Mother Brain "MOTHER!" as she fights.

I don't know why all of this was necessary, because the story of the game is abysmal and it never actually makes any kind of real statement on motherhood. At least the Mother (or Earthbound if you prefer) series always stars a kid who has to grow up early and misses his mother.

This game just makes constant references to mothers and babies for no reason. It reminds me of that insipid Big Bang Theory show where they constantly make "nerd" references and are thus "the nerdiest show on TV!" No, you're not nerdy just because characters sometimes wear Star Trek shirts or mention how something is just like fighting elves in "Warcraft". Fuck off.

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 Wow, this is just insane. Right off the bat, you have a man telling you what to do in authoritarian, Simon Says fashion. This is something one might not even notice when playing for the first time, but having played the whole thing, I notice it right away. Because the whole game is like this. Men telling Samus what to do and her just doing it without question. The worst is that Adam douchebag, who she constantly talks about respecting and admiring. He treats her like total shit, orders her to go through lava-filled areas without turning on the gravity suit to teach her a lesson (and she compliantly does it like a complete tool), and fuckin' TASES her at one point.

How about I DON'T stand in the middle of the room, you stupid game!
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After we send the bandits packing (for now), Camus gets injured. Miklotov, on the other hand...

...wait a minute...

...MY GOD!

!!!

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Next up, we discover that Evil Luigi began long before anyone thought.


Luigi sideswipes Bowser as the fight for the very soul of the Mushroom Kingdom continues.

You can see the malevolence in his eyes.

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 Bowser fires off the cork and it pops the flying fish, sending it spiraling into the background as it deflates. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE KILLED IT!

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Flower Cup is done. Mario is even happier than usual! Meanwhile, Donkey Kong screeches and throws his poo. Why is he allowed to drive?

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Meanwhile, in a dungeon, ladies talk about our hero's cuteness and he responds the only way he knows how.

Well, this is WoW, so... "ladies".

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Plok reaches the end of another level, only to reach the realization that... HE'S BEEN DIDDLED AGAIN.

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And here's a motorcycle, which is fitting because Plok is doing a great Jax impression right now by murdering all of his perceived enemies.

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These four look like the 00's version of the Bad Dudes. Time to take out alien trash FOR AMERICA!

"We bleed red white and blue! BAD DUDES!"

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By the time I got back to where I left off in the Terminator 2 ruins, I was in rough shape. Three billion human lives may have ended on Judgment Day, but I lost FIFTY SEVEN lives getting back here.

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And now, time for a very unspecial movie.

Here's Sokka. By casting Hayden Christensen 2.0 in the role, they pretty much deprived the audience of any of the Sokka Charm that he has in the show.

Sokka is VERY SERIOUS and VERY SOMBER. I can't wait to see M. Night Shyamalan's The Legend of Korra, starring Kristen Stewart.

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Our heroes back away slowly, as it appears they've awakened... whatever that is under there.

Something emerges from the ice, forming a large blister that explodes.

What's in the crater? WHAT'S IN THE CRATER?

 "WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOX?"

Our heroes freeze in confusion at the sight of...

...a husky dog? Aww! C'mere, pooch!

......and it immediately begins transforming!

The Thing is NOT happy to see these soulless facsimiles of beloved characters!

Sokka reels in horror as a tentacle rapidly zips towards him!

"TORCH IT, CHILDS! TORCH THIS WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!"

::M. Night Shyamalan screeches in horror::

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The creeping continues as a cloaked figure lurks and watches our heroes, waiting for them to have sex. Wait a minute, is that... can we zoom-in on that guy?

WTF.

He turns Tina to stone and flies off. Really? No kidnapping for ransom or anything? What was the point of that, aside from just being a total dick?

Higgins travels via eagle to the island of the bad guy, and the eagle drops him out of the sky. None of this seems particularly well thought-out. How about looking for a cure for Tina's petrification instead? What the hell, Higgins?

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This guy is DEFINITELY a Kirby's Dream Land refugee. I guess they ran out of Mario ideas to use and... branched out.

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BUT WAIT! The bad guy finally shows himself. He then proceeds to go on and on about how I will now see his TRUE powers. And how he kidnapped the king, who continues to be completely unnecessary to the plot of this game. Oh, and he ALSO kidnapped the queen, who we have never even seen.

During this monologue, I find myself asking... Why? Why do all this stuff? Are you just a jerk?

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Take out its claws and it sprouts a bunch of litle legs and a scorpion tail. This is the kind of horrifying abomination that Toad sees when he closes his eyes.

"The devil's hands have been busy!"

"SEE HOW IT SKITTERS."

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Next up, I take on the stage that I recommend taking on first, Cold Man. Small ice platforms are no problem for Bass and his double jumping. The series must be running out of ice-elemental Men at this point, huh? We've gotten Ice Man, Freeze Man, Blizzard Man, Frost Man, Cold Man... what's left? Snow Man?

Speaking of, our hero slashes one right in the face with the Tengu Claw. Fuck you, winter!

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SUPER GHOULS AND GHOSTS

We begin with Master Higgins hanging out with Tina the hero, Arthur, hanging out with some blue-haired hottie. Why is he all suited up in armor when she's clearly trying to be romantic? What kind of insensitive lover is this guy? Is he being icy to subliminally make her want to win his approval? What kind of "modern alpha male" hipster bullshit is this?

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WHY CAN'T I HIT YOU?

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Splash Woman's existence almost...ALMOST undoes all the damage to women's advancement that has been done by Kesha.

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"The bird people"? They're called Chozo. You even lift, Nintendo?

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Also in 2014, the odyssey of Highlander continued. Will I ever finish covering the series? What about the movies? Time will tell.

After defeating all of the goons, a loot chest appears.

The Zelda item-get jingle plays as Duncan finds a mummified woman and holds her above his head.

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Behold. Creepy Maurice. He's all "wooo" because Nefertiri is in there undressing. She pretty much just constantly undresses.

Now she's roaming around Duncan's pad in fetching nightwear.

The hell! How many windows are there on this damn barge?

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I closed out the year with some fine 90's RPGs... the Lufia games.

That isn't generally something men need to apologize for, Aguro.

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 Namely, Tia tries to act like she's competent (no doubt in an effort to emulate Selan) and ends up falling down a hole. Maxim actually hesitates a moment on going after her due to the danger of the trap, while Selan recklessly leaps right in. This five second scene is amazing from a storytelling perspective, because it advances SO MUCH about all three of them in one fell swoop.

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"Holding back the years!"

"Thinking of the fear I had so long!"

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Maxim: "Somebody! I used to know."

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Unfortunately, let the record show that Seena completely sucks at being a relatable person:

Basically, Seena is a whore.

"And I want none of what she's sellin."

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Meanwhile, in said tower, bad tidings are going on. Are the Sinistrals back? It would be about that time of the century. The Sinistrals are like the period of the universe.

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Today on Lufia II: Jericho is bad at Ancient Cave.

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 POST OF THE YEAR, AS VOTED BY ME:

(TIE)


Other Noteworthy Posts From 2014:








4 comments:

  1. The good news is your one fart joke is now restocked!

    If you try to take on the Dragonlord at level 9, you're gonna have a bad time.

    Man, I wouldn't play Ultima even if I was DERP.

    Don't pay attention to the Sages that surround Erdrick, those guys didn't do anything.

    Vegeta wisely wants no part of this foursome.

    KIRBY GET OFF THE PHONE

    STAAAAAARDUST

    Don't forget Chill Man, the Mr. Freeze of the series!

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  2. Great stuff all around, thanks dude. Best moment is RZA's O-Face, but I also liked that FFATB only got that one shot.

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