Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Plok (Super NES, 1993)

By special request, it's time for PLOK! One of the finest games on the SNES, Plok is a fun-tastic ride for children of all ages. You play as a red-clad Klansman as he battles to rid the world of minorities nefarious clowns and fleas that trample all over the flag. Let's do this.




We begin with a hung-over Plok stumbling out of his house. Outside is a statue of his mustachioed grandpa. Already the art style of this game is sweet.

The overworld is full of levels to do, as Plok looks for his stolen flag. Well, at least it isn't a stolen princess/wife/girlfriend/Characterless-Female-Icon-TBA.

Plok takes a boat across the sea! I'm not sure what's going on, but the music is great. Check it out.

The gameplay itself is a pretty basic side-scroller. The graphics are obviously bright and colorful, not to mention incredibly unique. Plok fights enemies by firing his limbs at them; he also loses limbs when he takes damage. This affects his maneuverability. He can find new limbs and attach them, because he's apparently made of velcro. Awesome.

At the end of the first level... is a pair of underpants. Who do these underpants belong to? How did they get here? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Plok puts on a football helmet. This really needs wrestling commentary.

"He's an All-American from Alabama University By Gawd! Whatta hoss!"

Plok with a spin jump right out of Metroid. Sweet. I like the pastel backgrounds, too.

Plok reaches the end of another level, only to reach the realization that... HE'S BEEN DIDDLED AGAIN.

As the levels progress, the sky gets darker. Nice touch. At the end of the third level, our hero finds... Toad.

"Thank you Plok! But our princess isn't in another castle."

"THE PRINCESS' SOUL BEGS FOR FREEDOM WITHIN MY STOMACH."

There's something shady afoot. This investigation calls for...

...Sherlock Plok. This suit lets you fire musket blasts that cover a wide area.

The next sweet outfit I find is a flamethrower. This would be very useful if Plok finds himself face-to-face with The Thing.

Plok finally gets the flag...and has an orgasm, apparently. Not as hot as when Quistis did it in FFVIII.

It's totally dark now. Awesome.

Side note: This game was featured in the first Nintendo Power I ever received after subscribing.

Plok finds the goons who made off with his flag... those damn Bobbins Bros!

They proceed to jump all over Plok! Those Bobbins bastards!

MY GOD, LOOK AT THE TEETH! Where is that flamethrower?

After a way-too-hard first boss, I emerge victorious. The bosses didn't follow any kind of pattern, making them different from nearly every other fight in gaming. Their movements and attacks seemed completely random and without warning. This game doesn't play around on difficulty, does it?

Plok has been duped. Well, at least he didn't get diddled.

It's the next day, but now Plok has a whole bunch of other flags to win back from the...er...fleas. No relation to rock superstar Flea.

At the bottom of the screen we see the new Flea Count Meter. Much like the Metroid Count Meter in Metroid 2, it tells me how many fleas are left in any given area.

Them damn fleas better stay out of Plok's country, damn it! This is America!

Here's a flea. They're vile little bastards.

Plok now falls asleep next to the statue of his grandpa. Time for a dream sequence.

"Remember where you come from, Highlanda! Remember Zeist!"

For the next few levels, we play as the venerable Grandpappy Plok.

Damn it! The Bobbins Bros are here too? ...and there are three of them? One must have died since then.

Honky-tonk music plays as the gruff Grandpappy Plok negotiates some grayscale levels.

...and talks about how he's old. This guy is brimming with personality, though, much like Standard Plok.

It's getting dark. Must be almost boss time... this is going to suck.

Tomfoolery: One of the greatest words in our language.

Look at those Bobbins Bros, jumping up and down like maniacs. Fuckin' Bobbins Bros.

Here they are, rappelling in like they're Shawn Michaels. Two was bad enough, how will I beat three?

They proceed to jump all over our hero, chomping at the air with their giant mouth-heads. Those bastards! Those damn Bobbins bastards!

These mother-f*****ers proceed to kill me about eighteen times, well more what I had for lives, and it would have been game over if I hadn't reloaded save states before the fight once I ran out. Several times.

For winning the most awful fight ever, I get... an amulet? Will it let me travel through time?

I hope he doesn't stash this where Captain Coons kept his watch during the war.

"That watch... for five long years I kept it in my ass."

Grandpappy Plok sails away to the Grey Havens, and that's all she wrote. I wonder if he'll run into...

"Dillll-do Baggins!"

...that's a joke from my Fable post. Back in the day. Dildo Baggins. I named my guy that, and... yanno, just take a look for yourself.

Back in the present, Plok finds the lost amulet that I just stashed in the past. Wait a minute, did Plok just pull a Quantum Leap in his sleep? Is this like that scene in The Butterfly Effect when the guy warps back in time to give himself Christ-like hand-wounds so that he doesn't get prison-molested by Julio in D-Block?

Now that he has the amulet, Plok has "Plok Power". Not sure what this entails yet. Also, while he was asleep, his town was invaded by indestructible cucumbers.

The next boss fight goes on for about 15 minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES. It involved shooting a switch to cause spikes to hit the boss as it flew by once in a while. It was quite tedious, but at least it wasn't more Bobbinses.

With that, Plok is KING OF THE ISLAND, and the game winds to a conclusion. Great game. Lots of fun, colorful visuals, creative premise, a soundtrack that is WAY better than you'd expect... I highly recommend it.

...okay, the game actually isn't over yet. Maybe it should be, because things are about to take a sharp turn into the land of ridiculous difficulty.

Stay tuned for Part Two: A Christmas Diddling.

2 comments:

  1. "By special request, it's time for PLOK! One of the finest games on the SNES, Plok is a fun-tastic ride for children of all ages." - There are so many falsehoods in this opening statement.

    "I've been diddled again" - ...my GOD.

    Hey, this is just like that episode of South Park with Inspector Butters.

    I do love that trademark Plok humor.

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  2. Pretty sure this was a game I recommended for you, one I played well into as a kid but could never beat. This was one that made li'l me very frustrated there was no save function. Oh if only there were saved states! At least you avenged me.

    Your take on Plok as an American and this game as a kind of Starship Troopers is brilliant and the correct interpretation I say! Note also that Plok has no friends to speak of, he just lives by himself in his grandpa's homestead with this giant picture of his grandpa outside.

    It's funny how this is one of the best-translated games of the SNES era. Whoever wrote these lines had better still be in games!

    I looove the colorful fun art style; it makes this games really hard to forget.

    "Whom do these underpants belong to?" I almost spit my drink out on my screen at this point.

    This grayscale grandpa section of the game is really unique. Glad they had it.

    I now share you all's fear for the nefarious Bobbins Brothers.

    What IS Plok Power by the way?

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