My posts this year ranged from mildly douchey to uber-dickitude, but I always had time to respect the material I was covering. I barely scratch the surface of the post volume from this year, but here's a special selection.
DONKEY KONG COUNTRY
Who can forget the iconic image of Cranky Kong listening to an old
record? The game insinuates that this guy is, in fact, the original
Donkey Kong from the arcade games. This would explain why he's standing
on red girders, but I'm not buying it. What would that make the heroes
in this game? His sons? Nephews? Sons AND nephews? The inbreeding is
strong in the jungle.
Donkey Kong drops in with a RAD TO THE MAX BOOMBOX! Hey kids, Nintendo is just as cool as Sega! Check out the 'tude!
"In yo face, Sonic the Hedgehog!"
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The game concludes with Donkey Kong slugging Diddy Kong in the face. Just absolutely knocks him the fuck out.
Kinda symbolic, given that this is what the big, slow Nintendo did to the smaller, quicker, hipper Sega at this point.
Kinda symbolic, given that this is what the big, slow Nintendo did to the smaller, quicker, hipper Sega at this point.
What does Nintendo President Hiroshi Yamauchi have to say about this game?
"Suck my balls, Sega."
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EGAD!
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I choose to go after this guy first, since he's the most emo of all robot masters.
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"Oh Myyy!"
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The spinning platform section at the end of the stage is a little bit tricky for beginners. And on that note, I'm really glad this isn't a post-2000 Mega Man game. If it were, Roll would be interrupting the gameplay right now to tell you to watch out for the HUGE BOTTOMLESS PIT.
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"Are you a bad enough dude to beat the first real enemy of the game?"
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Rush Marine lets our hero easily cruise through (all one or two)
hallways with water in this game. Without it...well, no matter how
shallow the water, Mega Man flops around all "help me! I can't swim!"
like Little John in Robin Hood Men In Tights.
Gemini Man's deal is that he can create an independent double of himself
at will. In other news, I wish my girlfriend had Gemini Man's
ability... in bed.
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In the next boss battle, Mega Man has to face three clones of himself. It's a lot easier than the previous fight.
"Are you a bad enough dude to beat... Yourself?"
Dude! Sick!
Dude! Sick!
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Farus also gives Nikita a fatherly pep talk. And with that, Team Threesome is officially dissolved.
...OR IS IT?
"KOOLOOOO....LOOMPAHHHH!
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DONKEY KONG LAND TRILOGY
DONKEY KONG LAND TRILOGY
One of the cool things about DKL2 is how it combines aspects of DKC1 and DKC2. How would Rambi from DKC1 fare in a DKC2 level like the honeycomb? Now we can find out that sap doesn't slow a charging rhino. Or as WoW players would call him, an epic mount.
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Credits roll and we find out the names of all the enem- wait, what the shit??
Know who would approve of this bird? The Big Bad Booty Daddy, "Booty Pump" Scott Steiner.
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Oh...my...God. One Unknown Guy is bad enough, but SEVERAL?
An Unknown Guy runs onto the screen and throws a knife at Thomas, but he
quickly ducks, clearly unconcerned with Silvia standing behind him. "MY
EYEEEEE!!!" says Silvia moments later.
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Thomas is coming right away! Just what every woman wants from a man.
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Thomas is reunited with Silvia... and immediately comes.
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Caution: Reading about the patriotic super-duo of BAD DUDES may cause spontaneous and uncontrollable arousal in women.
Here are our two protagonists, the all-American tandem. And now that all of the women reading this are ovulating, let's proceed.
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As you've probably noticed by now, the "NES flicker" in this game is
really bad. This means in half the screenshots I took, my Bad Dude was
missing a body part. Though one thing is for sure: that part was never
balls.
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All right, here we go. If I can just get past this first Goomba, I MIGHT have a shot at winning this thing.
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This little bastard is Toad, destroyer of worlds. He and/or them serve
little purpose but to appear at the end of any given castle and inform
you that all of your efforts were for naught. All of that time! All of
those innocent people!
"WE REQUIRE MORE BLOOD FOR THE ASCENSION."
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Before long... Mario gets high. Dude! You're supposed to be a role model for the kids!
"Nobody gets higher than SUPER MARIO!"
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MEGA MAN 10
Pump Man's stage is a sewer. You know, the last
time I was in a club and a hot girl attempted to dance with me, I was
all "The next Mega Man game needs to have a sewer level" and then she was like "WHAT?" and I was all "The next Mega Man game needs to have a sewer level" and then she said "YOU'RE FUNNY!" before being escorted away by her friends.
-what the shit? Car enemies? I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO.
With all eight bosses defeated, Dr. Wily appears and reveals that HE was
the one behind the outbreak of Roboenza! No way! I thought we were
friends, Wily! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!
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MEGA MAN 10
Meanwhile, Mega Man's sister is dealing with some PMS. It's one of those heavy days.
Roboenza? The fuck is Roboenza? Nice job, ROLL. Look at how much you're upsetting Auto!
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The funny thing is, without their robot helpers, Future People are so
inept that they can't perform simple tasks. In the present day, this
dilemma would be faced only by Mitt Romney, who hasn't wiped his own ass
in over a decade.
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His weapon involves placing spikes on the floor and hoping that enemies
will run into them. Unless this game has car enemies at some point, I
can't see how this will be usef-
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I finally pay a visit to the P-Chip shop. It is run by Reggae, a mechanical duck with tourettes.
Taking
a detour here to show you the training stage. Alia interrupts the game
many times in this stage, like here where she warns the presumably blind
player about the spikes in front of our hero. Wait a minute... if the
player is blind, how will they read Alia's message? My God! Megaman!
MEGAMAN!!
Capcom Exec: "Man, we're so with the times! These boss names we just spent a half hour changing from their original Japanese versions are HILARIOUS!"
Capcom Jr. Exec: "The kids will love it!"
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WHAT ROCK, ALIA? WHAT ROCK? Wrestling superstar renowned actor The Rock?
I guess she meant this. Great, interrupt the gameplay to tell me
something that I'M ABOUT TO FIGURE OUT ON MY OWN IF THE GAME WOULD LET
ME! GAH!
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Here's the nefarious Volt Kraken Squid Adler. One of the nastier bosses in the game, and an intense battle because of the great lighting in the room.
Capcom Exec: "Americans don't know what a kraken is."
Capcom Jr. Exec: "They probably just think it's a reference to the butt, sir."
Capcom Exec: "For that version, we'll name the boss after the sea creature responsible for pleasuring our young women, as well as rocker Steven Adler!"
Capcom Jr. Exec: "The kids will love it!"
Capcom Exec: "Americans don't know what a kraken is."
Capcom Jr. Exec: "They probably just think it's a reference to the butt, sir."
Capcom Exec: "For that version, we'll name the boss after the sea creature responsible for pleasuring our young women, as well as rocker Steven Adler!"
Capcom Jr. Exec: "The kids will love it!"
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This game gives us some hilarious difficulty levels, but what you may
not know is that they're accurate to real life. A playa is a
guy who does just that, plays, and mainly chases skirts while still
knowing
what's up. A hustler is a guy who takes bigger risks, like drug
running, to make
a dolla; under extreme circumstances he may even smack a ho. A thug is a
guy who
will get his hands dirty and rough you up for rent money. A gangsta is
an advanced student of thuganomics who
runs one step ahead of the reaper, and will cap a homie when need be.
And just
for this game, the fictional level of G-Unit Soldier is the most
hardcore thing
anyone can possibly be. A G-Unit Soldier is so bad to the bone, they're
the ones the U.S. military relies on when Seal Team Six can't get the
job done. Once they cap Bin Laden, they'll go home in time for a glass
of courvoisier and then put a baby G-Unit Soldier into a
supermodel. First sounds out of the baby's mouth? "G-g-g-g-g-ga ga."
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The intro of the game is full of grainy footage that looks like it was
taken from someone's vacation, interspersed with imagery of dolphins
swimming. Since I'm not on drugs, this isn't very impressive.
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What's up with the character models in this game? Seriously, why are
their heads so tiny? They're like the Goombas in the Mario Bros Movie.
...or Chris Bosh.
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While Los Pollos Hermanos is a family-friendly establishment, they don't take kindly to being ripped off.
"Twelve gauge, bitch!" says the cashier as he whips out a shotgun and opens fire, sending our heroes running for their lives.
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Duncan returns from rejecting women buying antiques,
and Richie informs him that Tessa still isn't back from camping. Duncan
immediately takes off to find her. Overprotective much? LET THE WOMAN BE
FREE!
This leaves Richie alone in the house to do... whatever it is that Richie does when he's alone.
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Duncan: "Look, I need to find my girlfriend before anything-"
"That's right, I'm a gay sheriff. I hope this won't be a problem."
Now that he knows roughly where she is, Duncan is going out to find
Tessa...alone. As a trained Native American, Duncan knows how to track
people in the woodlands. The cops want to go with him, but he tells them
that they'll only slow him down. BURN.
So, Duncan sets out to track Tessa, and-
"No, it's because I'm gay, isn't it!? You can't handle having a GAY
SHERIFF along can you? Oh yeah, walk away! I hope you can sleep at night
with all of that hate in your heart!"
So, Duncan sets out to track Tessa, and-
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SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
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SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
These things are similar to the fire chains from Super Mario Bros,
but not nearly as deadly since the actual chain part is harmless. Also:
these underwater sections are horrible. This is the only part of the
game where you effectively have a time limit on your actions, and it's more unforgiving than OJ Simpson getting home early it's unforgiving.
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Shuwen seems to be the requisite "quirky old man character". Since this is a Japanese game, he's like 28.
There's Yoyo Yoko. She fights with a yo-yo, and it's pretty fucked up the way she broke up The Beatles.
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There are other characters on the select screen too. Here's the fearsome Godhand.
Unimpressed Lebron James: Not impressed.
And now back to FFVII!
YOSHI'S ISLAND
The not-phoning-in begins with Nintendo perpetuating the myth that
babies are delivered by stork. However, it's entirely plausible that
Shigeru Miyamoto isn't actually aware of how babies are created.
I mean, look at this man! He's adorable!
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With that, Luigi is saved! Unfortunately, The Stork was dead.
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And that's it. We'll see this duo all grown up in the Mario series, which skipped past puberty and their awkward teenage years.
Noteworthy Posts From 2013:
You did so much great stuff in 2013 and you're right that this doesn't scratch the surface. Rock on :)
ReplyDeleteThe world needs more G-Unit Soldiers.
ReplyDelete"Twelve gauge, bitch!" says the cashier as he whips out a shotgun and opens fire, sending our heroes running for their lives."
ReplyDeleteThen there are the rare times when I can't tell the game dialogue and your commentary apart.
Happy New Year! Surprised at no Contra.. anyway, thank you for all the good stuff you write on here. Cheers
ReplyDelete