Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bad Dudes (NES, 1989)

Caution: Reading about the patriotic super-duo of BAD DUDES may cause spontaneous and uncontrollable arousal in women.


Here are our two protagonists, the all-American tandem. And now that all of the women reading this are ovulating, let's proceed.

 Bad Dudes: "WE LOVE AMERICA!"

The Terminator appears to give our heroes the bad news: the President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Japan just WON'T GET OVER WW2 WILL THEY?

With that, the heroic Blade sets out to answer the question: Is he a bad enough dude to rescue the President? Standing in his way is what appears to be either an angry hobo or a World of Warcraft player.

Battling ninjas FOR AMERICA! USA! USA! They should have made a sequel to this game where the Bad Dudes get kidnapped and the President has to rescue them.

"Are you a bad enough President to rescue the Dudes?"

Now I've got... a nunchuck. Ho. Ho. Ho.

NUNCHUCK TO THE PENIS!

"AY! MEIN NEUSSEN!"

Now that I've said something to offend people from two out of the three Axis powers, here's the first boss.

As you've probably noticed by now, the "NES flicker" in this game is really bad. This means in half the screenshots I took, my Bad Dude was missing a body part. Though one thing is for sure: that part was never balls.

This ninja hangs from the ceiling like a bat. He mistakenly thought that he could get the jump on our hero, but what he failed to realize is that the Bad Dudes are American. USA! USA!

BASEBALL AND APPLE PIE, BITCH!

Here's an odd pairing of enemies: a lady ninja and a midget ninja. Does that make him a Minja?

An armored giant assaults our hero at this point. Blade body-slams him like Hulk Hogan body-slamming Andre the Giant, and... you know what? I'd like to call attention back to the title screen of this game for a moment:

USA! HOME OF RONALD REAGAN! MIAMI VICE! FOOTBALL GREAT OJ SIMPSON!

For whatever reason, the next boss sports Blackface. For younger readers, that's what it was called in 1989. Today we know it by the more politically correct African-American Face.

Whoa! It's Tenshinhan, of DBZ fame! Chaozu couldn't make it because he prematurely detonated.

TIEN FACE ROCKED!

Our hero arrives at the evil lair of Dragon Gate Pro Wrestling. Why they couldn't fit "Dragon" on one line is beyond me. HULKAMANIA IS RUNNING WILD IN 1989!

The ninjas here come equipped with swords, but luckily Blade is armed with a...blade of his own. These ninjas are really starting to look like The Foot Clan at this point. Luckily, they're no match for AMERICA! MR GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

At the end of the game, you battle all of the bosses again in a row. However, they're palette swaps, and I think they have less health this time. USA! NEW PHIL COLLINS RECORD! NEW METALLICA RECORD!

For the most part, beating most of the bosses is a matter of ducking and punching repeatedly. This means that the fights basically go like this.

The final battle is with this guy girl person. As is often the case, it's a pretty rough fight until you start targeting the penis. Or in this case: the penis?

Blade: "M********F********S TALK SHIT I'MMA PUNCH 'EM IN THE DICK!"

The President is saved! USA! USA! THESE SUPERBOWLS AND BIG SCREEN TVS DON'T RUN!

The President wants a burger. What would Michelle Obama say? Where are the garden-fresh vegetables?

An NES version of "Hail to the Chief" plays as the credits... wait a minute, is that... is that President Dan Quayle?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

And why is that burger flesh-colored? My God... it's PEOPLE! Someone tell that man he's unwittingly devouring a Saint Ronnie-burger!

Well, in this post I managed to take cheap shots at Dan Quayle, World of Warcraft players, and the nation of Japan. It's official, I am a bad enough dude to rescue the President.

So how was this game? It was pretty easy for an NES game, and dare I say it, fun. It is quintessential late 80's. I started playing with no particular expectations, and found myself pleasantly surprised. Still, one needs a sense of humor to enjoy all of the silliness. Much like this post.



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2 comments:

  1. "They should have made a sequel to this game where the Bad Dudes get kidnapped and the President has to rescue them."

    ...I would totally play that game.

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    1. Would've been a big hit. Get this...in the original arcade version, they called the President "Ronnie" and everything. My favorite thing about all this is that the game was //developed by a Japanese company//! (Data East)

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