The Little Mermaid (NES, 1991)

 

Here's a game that isn't in the Disney Afternoon Collection and probably should have been. I never played it before this, but I heard only good things about it over the years. It's just a pleasant little game, starring a cute redhead. Not sure why a drunken fish is sidling up next to Ariel though.

Today is a dark day for wrestling fans, but I'll do my best with this.

R.I.P. John Cena As A Good Guy

^ Millions of children after last night's pay-per-view

First, I go on Ebay and buy an NES cart of the game for $311 plus tax. Then, I wait a couple weeks for it to arrive. .......Then, I download a ROM and play it on an emulator while pretending I'm playing the cart I'm holding. Alright, now that I'm just like a real Youtuber, we're good to go!

Fun Fact: I've never seen this movie. I don't know much of anything about it except that Ariel is a princess. I loved The Lion King and the Disney afternoon shows growing up, but I don't think I ever really watched any of the Disney princesses, outside of Aladdin featuring Princess Jasmine. I'd say Jasmine is de-facto my favorite Disney princess, though she's so my-type that I suspect she'd be my favorite even if I knew all the others.

The intro cutscene sums up the story for us. Basically Ariel saw this HUNKY GUY over here, and was afraid he wouldn't be into her since she's half-fish. So she asked the kingdom's sorceress, Ursula, to turn her into a human so she could go meet the guy and hopefully, maybe, he'd like her back.

After becoming a hot redhead, the guy liked her back! What a surprise! She really lucked out on that one. Was a real roll of the dice.

Much like Aquaman, Ariel can talk to fish. I gotta say, Sebastian the lobster is ADORABLE.

Meanwhile, the kingdom's one sorceress has decided she's tired of helping Ariel get laid and will instead use her unparalleled magic powers to take over.

"We're takin' over!" she yells, like the bWo.

She's got all of the fish under some kind of mind-control spell, and only Ariel can stop her! Getting laid will have to wait.

They got the hair color wrong ingame. How did they get that so wrong right off the bat?

This game handles a lot like the Frog Suit in Super Mario Bros 3. Ariel can move in all directions unrestricted, and holding B causes her to jolt around faster. It also looks really nice for an NES game. Not sure what's going on with the health bar though. It does the Metroid thing where she starts without the health bar full... only I can't find any way to actually fill up the remaining two hearts. Weird.

For attacks, Ariel can fire bubbles (with the A button, oddly enough) which basically turn enemies into blocks you can grab and throw (Super Mario Bros 2 style). Yes, the game is very derivative of Mario, but most games were in that timeframe.

Some foes are larger, and can only be incapacitated with a powered-up bubble attack. However, you can pick up objects (like the seashell there) and hurl those.

Wait, powered-up bubble attack?

That's right, collecting these orbs powers up your attack, and your powerups last until you lose a life. The game is pretty easy, so you can maintain these powerups for a while. Every purple orb makes the bubble fire faster/have more shots/capture bigger foes, while every green orb extends your range. You start with a very, very short range on your bubble beam (yes, like Metroid).

Where does one get these orbs, you ask? From these treasure chests that are strewn about the levels. Throw an object at them to pop them open and collect orbs. Some of the chests are a bit hidden, though these levels are extremely straightforward and linear so they're mostly hard to miss.

First boss is this shark who charges around trying to bite Ariel's head off. Luckily the boss is kind enough to supply minions for Ariel to Bubble Lead and throw at him. Much like the Kirby series, if any of these bosses just learned to not bring any small minions to the fight, they'd be indestructible for the hero.

Much like Super Ghouls and Ghosts, stage 2 is a sunken ship. At least that game hasn't come out yet so it's just a coincidence, unlike a lot of the references to other games in this post. Have I mentioned how derivative this game is yet?

Sometimes Ariel has to leave the water, and in these situations she flops around clumsily. Yeah, like the Frog Suit. She can't throw objects on land, so the way to open chests on land is to fling an object upward from the water.

Next boss is this surprisingly-tough fight with two eels who pop out from random spots in the background. This fight is the first challenging thing in the game, and is akin to the level 2 boss in Kirby's Dream Land. The key here, like there, is to be able to manage the verticality of the fight and stay off of their levels.

Now Ursula is freezing the sea? As if mind-controlling fish wasn't fiendish enough!

Next area is the icy sea, and it's nice. This whole game is nice. It's also about 20 minutes long, and a good game for someone who has never played games before. If I were to introduce a kid to games who had never played any before, I'd start with Kirby's Dream Land and then possibly do this one second. Probably either this or Joe and Mac for the SNES.

Next boss: The Walrus, Paul Heyman. "Look at my butt!" he says.

Level 4 is more sea, only now we've got undersea volcanos erupting and dropping fireballs on our heroine. Even more terrifying than that, though:

These brine shrimp are small and agile, and HOUND you if you don't take them out quickly.

This may be the only video game in existence where brine shrimp are the most threatening enemy.

Fourth boss, a seahorse who fires boat cannons at you. I legitimately wonder if this guy was in the movie. Maybe I ought to watch it and find out.

Before level 5 (the final stage, Ursula's Palace) Sebastian gives you a crucial hint. Miss this hint and you'll be totally lost in the last level.

The palace has these doors that warp you to another nearby door, and you end up going around in a circle unless you follow Sebastian's advice and go back through the same door. Doing this a few times on the right doors will progress the level, and it's a pretty quick level despite this twist.

The last obstacle before Ursula: Green grabby-tentacles. They furiously grasp at Ariel, giving a new meaning to "chasing tail". I'll show myself out.

Ursula is the final boss, and honestly, one of the game's easier fights. Just bubble the seahorse minions that keep flying in and launch them straight up. With her enormous hitbox, it's easy to land a bunch of shots in rapid succession.

Good game, super easy though. The only somewhat challenging part was probably the double eel boss on level 2.

Hecklefish arrives with bad news: Ursula lives! And is gigantic? Alright now I really do want to see the movie just to see if she really does have a Super Shredder form.

The REAL final boss. And...this one is even easier, due to the massive hitbox, and this being technically "level 6" so you don't need to repeat anything if you lose.

With Ursula brutally slain, all of the fish have regained their senses. Well, what little senses they had to begin with, given their small fish brains.

Unfortunately, Ariel is now stuck in mermaid form, since Ursula gave her the temporary human form to begin with. Well, maybe that guy can accept her for who she is, tail and all, or maybe she can find a local merman boyfriend that isn't a long-distance relationship.

Oh, nevermind, I guess the king also has spellcasting powers. Why didn't HE deal with Ursula then?

Now that Ariel is a hot redhead again, this HUNKY GUY sweeps her off her feet. He probably also spins her in the air. One thing all romance movies need to have is spinning.

Wait though, since her human form is essentially an illusion, will their kids be one-quarter fish?

Nearby, oblivious to the Mermaid-Ursula War, Aerith and Tifa were enjoying the sand and surf of Costa Del Sol.

Look at 'em go!

Good game. I never figured out how to max out my hearts, though. This should have been on the Disney Afternoon Collection, but I get it if it's too short and insubstantial for that (plus it's a movie, not a show). Still, it's another good Capcom/Disney collaboration. Going into it not expecting much, the game does what it set out to do, and would be a fun time for kids in 1991. Somebody out there probably grew up with this the same way I grew up with Kirby's Dream Land.

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