However, Nobunaga Oda is the very definition of efficient.
Here's Ekei, who bears a striking resemblance to Johnny from Johnny Vs, one of my favorite game Youtubers. You know, the chill guy with the coffee mug who doesn't tell you to like or subscribe, he's just happy that you stopped by and watched his video.
...alright upon closer examination maybe there isn't as much of a resemblance as I think, but yeah. Shout out to Johnny regardless.
Next stop in the game is the notorious battle of Nagashino. It will be a great battle, one with much ball-protecting.
There's a problem. Nobunaga's soldiers are now equipped with damn miniguns.
Maybe our heroes can dodge the bullets like that one human protagonist in the Terminator anime. In another episode she survives a martial arts fight with a T-800, and in another she pushes a T-800 like 10 feet back and it falls down an elevator shaft. Yeah, way to completely neuter the threat level of your killing machine. And people got mad at Terminator Salvation for having the 'bots throwing people too much.
Today is tangent-ville, I apologize.
So apparently Nobunaga's forces completely wiped out the military here thanks to the overwhelming superiority of their gatling guns. This one guy, Sanjuro, is the only one left, and he's all "Lemme at 'em!"
Turns out Sanjuro is my mother's uncle's father's cousin's mother-in-law's former roommate. Welcome aboard! Our app process is pretty lenient right now because we need people to take gatling gun fire.
GenmaGatlings, and their 255 HP, are the next big threat on the battlefield. They're immobile, but they hit for 400 (!!!) and at range.
As a result it's tough to even get anyone close enough to take them out without that character getting mowed down. Is this the end for our heroes? Do we have an answer to this dastardly new menace?
With our forces shredded by hails of bullets, Sanjuro is probably having flashbacks to losing his own comrades.
We've only got one hope now.
Super Saiya-Jin 3 Onimaru!
This...lowers the damage the gatlings do from 400ish to..... 1.
He fires back for more damage than they have HP. So basically the game has become "Onimaru Wins Lol" and everyone else is just there to either take hits or look pretty (or both, in the case of Ekei).
Record-setting critical hit for 910
"Narrow" victory lol. Well, technically it was, since only Onimaru really did anything or survived.
"These chicks don't even know the name of my band" says Onimaru, as all OP main characters do.
It's like an evil course from a Mario Kart game.
Tangent: Apparently there's now a Bloodborne Kart fan-game on Steam, and it's really good. Maybe the Skull Cup would fit well in that game.
In this case, the Skull Cup is a prized goblet that Nobunaga is after: Shingen's skull. Who is Shingen, you ask? The king of Onimaru's kingdom, which is currently under control of Nobunaga following Shingen's death.
Our next mission is to keep them from digging up Shingen's corpse to make a goblet out of him!
...and they fail at it because when they get there Guildenstern has already dug up the skull.
Sanjuro flips out and leaps at the air aggressively while standing behind Onimaru who is not at all holding him back. Nobunaga and co must be quaking in their boots.
Nobunaga gets his prized skull cap, seen here, and sips sake. What a diabolical fiend!
Vice President Dick Hideyoshi also takes a swig. Now, they pass it to...
...Akechi, who can barely hide his disgust at this display.
Nobunaga reveals that his conquering of Onimaru's kingdom was just the beginning and they're going to take Everything. Onimaru can only be in one place at a time, after all. So they've got this unkillable SSJ3 guy on the loose, but have way more troops to send out than Onimaru can possibly be present for.
Akechi wants to question Nobunaga, but he knows better than to stand up and speak out in this corporate environment.
Working for Nobunaga is sorta like working for Ubisoft. You better be ideologically compliant with all their ESG and orthodoxy, because it's been well-documented this year that if you even casually challenge the zeitgeist it's off to HR and possibly the unemployment line with you. An improperly-used exclamation point in an email could be the end!
Well, the whole company is on its way to the big HR office in the sky, so it is what it is.
Knowing how bad of an idea it is, Akechi risks casting a spell, and speaks up.
"OHHHHHH" say everyone else in the room while hiding behind their desks. That guy challenged the ideological dogma!
Nobunaga's like "You got something to say??" and Akechi backs down. Well, at least he didn't have Akechi killed, which is what we used to do in feudal times before we had jobs to fire people from.
Nobunaga now goes out to visit Onimaru personally. This is the first time they've been face to face since the very beginning, when Onimaru was just some rando. Now, Nobunaga knows his name.
They're not going to fight, though. Not yet. Soon (tm).
What? Fresh meat? No, you've got that all wrong. Onimaru is no man's bitch!
Right off of our meeting with Nobunaga, our heroes are now attacking one of his labs, where his scientists do experiments on cats and dogs. American mainstream news media has informed us that nobody is actually experimenting on cats and dogs. Then again the same news media told us these labs don't even exist. I don't know who to believe!
So instead of believing, our heroes unleash hell!
Kaidomaru is a dog-lover and this is difficult on him, as the bad guys sic their mutant dogs and cats on us. I'd say this game is messed-up, but we just got done with a story segment where Nobunaga was drinking sake out of somebody's skull...
After the battle we get some interpersonal drama, as it seems Kaidomaru has a thing for Sakura.
Alas, Sakura only has eyes for this Ryunosuke guy, who may or may not be dead. A classic love triangle! Boy meets girl, girl wants help finding her possibly-dead husband, boy falls in love with girl, girl just really needs help finding her possibly-dead husband...
"Wait" by the Yin-Yang Twins plays as Zhuge Liang makes his entrance.
Thought I was kidding? This guy is 100% Zhuge Liang.
Next battle, I dispense with the formalities and just have SSJ3 Onimaru go up and solo everything while the rest of the cast hangs back and plays cards.
Guildenstern captures Sakura, and tells us of their latest secret weapon. The Genma Cannon is a true WMD, a giant cannon that they'll use to humble the rebels.
Kaidomaru tries to rescue Sakura, and gets SLICED IN HALF by Guildenstern.
"MAVERICK!" says Mega Man when reached for comment.
Now we learn the terrible truth: Kaidomaru IS Ryunosuke, her lost husband. ...how does that work?
So it turns out that after Ryunosuke was apprehended by Nobunaga's forces, they experimented on him and turned him into a machine. He couldn't face Sakura like that so he became Kaidomaru and hovered around her instead.
Since he's a machine, being sliced in half is no problem, barely an inconvenience. So that worked out! Disney's Doug!
In order to put him back together, we need to return him to the lab where he got originally robotized.
Guildenstern isn't here, but his nefarious apprentice is.
He's got 666 HP. At first I thought these guys wore skull masks, but no, those are their real faces. Nobunaga has essentially made a deal with the underworld to take over the surface. We already went to Hell, and we can't exactly top that, so...
He's a powerful boss, but he's also immobile. I sic Onimaru and get what I'm here for:
The blueprints for Kaidomaru-bot.
Now, working tirelessly through the night, Lucca repairs Kaidomaru.
He's not too thrilled to be alive again and complains a lot. Will he remember Sakura?
Kenshin Uesugi is the leader of the next kingdom on Nobunaga's list, so Onimaru meets with him to form an alliance.
Onimaru speaks of the Genma Cannon's devastating power, while smiling creepily like Richie.
Next time on Onimusha Tactics: The Genma Cannon looms.
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