Monday, December 24, 2018

Pokemon: Let's Go Pikachu, Part 4 - Anything For My Boo

A brand-new Pokémon adventure, from the makers of Thrill Kill for the PlayStation!

" bed" What? No, she didn't say that!

 I think our hero should just abandon the mission and also go swimming in the sea. Like Point Break with chix.

 Caves during this part of the game are good for building up catch-combos and leveling, since oftentimes the only foe you have to deal with is Diglett.

 I uh...definitely don't remember that. Why is this guy lurking around this corner anyway? I'll let the creepiness of the next few bits of dialogue speak for themselves:

 Turns out he's just here to teach you the TM for seeing in the dark, but My God was this part creepy out of context. Or even IN context.

 The real trap occurs when you leave and get ambushed by Team Rocket.

 Luckily, a mysterious librarian is here to save the day. It's...

 ...Lorelei, one of the Elite Four, seen here in a rare outside appearance. The Elite Four are like the British Royals, they sit around inside to be all Elite and stuff while sipping tea.

 Lorelei easily defeats the Team Rocket goons. "tell me how to be more like you" whispers the goon on the right as they run for the hills.

 The technique I just learned from the creepy guy is already proving useful as I try to get through this place that looks straight out of Limbo.

 Oh shit! It's that hiker guy from earlier! DON'T SERIAL KILL ME BRO!

We beat another hasty retreat as he looks on creepily. "Don't you want to Poké-battle?" he yells in the distance.

Our next stop: The notorious Lavender Town.

This sentence would have an entirely new (and truthful) meaning if you put a comma after "go".

Case in point: The tower is full of these sages who communicate with the spirit world...and want to fight for some reason. In addition to that, the place is crawling with the ghosts of long-gone Pokémon who can still phase into our world via the power of this mystical place.

...she said "erected", tee hee

At this point I find some darker attire for our heroes, meaning Pikachu is (at least for now) stylin' in a hat.

Pokémon Tower itself is one of the weirder dungeons in the game. It's fairly short, and full of ghost Pokémon.

This is more or less the halfway point of the game, as well, indicated by the map.

In other news...are all of these Beauty trainers on their way to a date? I never really see any dudes who are on their way to a date in this game, which leads me to conclude that all of these women are on their way to a blind date with one dude. But who?

"HYOOOOOO" screeches Clefairy. Let's...let's just get out of here.

This Fire Stone is all-important, as it means I can evolve an Arcanine. It's one of the best fire-types, and this is pretty early to be getting it.

It's also one of the very few cat Pokémon. At least, I think it's a cat. It could be a dog, or an on-shrooms portrait of Guan Yu.

Sometimes, if you roam around in the random battle foliage enough, women appear.

Speaking of creepy, here's Otacon again. Why does he care about Cataluña's grades? Back off!

This must be the guy all of the Beauties are on their way to a date with. What an asshole.

It's CAT FEVER as I continue to avoid going to Pokémon Tower by clearing out nearby routes.

Our hero runs down another underground highway, since Saffron City is still closed off. She runs on the blue line, because hell if she's going to run on the red side.

...I don't get it. Why the weirdness about "going often"? Is this a joke about going to the bathroom?

My God. Rats everywhere. And they've got a Growlithe with them, prancing around like it's no big deal. Do your job, Growlithe!

Our next stop is the Celadon City Department Store, though the area around it is crawling with these Team Rocket stooges.

Somewhere during all of this, my prized Geodude evolved. I wish I could turn him into Golem so he'd have more usefulness in the endgame, but I'm doing a full-on solo play. That and Graveler is a lot cooler than Golem. He'll get replaced eventually, but in the meantime he functions as a Final Fantasy Balloon and self-destructs to take out tougher foes.

What? Brock? So this is where you've been instead of defending your title every month!

He serves up some Tea, and this'll let our hero finally go to Saffron City. Turns out the guards can be bribed with...Tea. Why do I feel like this isn't really Tea?

Elsewhere in the department store, we find a crown that's priced about as affordably as the Boston housing market.

Time for Gym #4. Jim's Dad is nowhere to be found for this one, probably because it's crawling with girls and he's intimidated. Instead we're confronted at the entrance by this judgmental lass who only likes cute Pokémon.

I offer up Pikachu for her inspection.

Why did the screen have to go black? Now it just feels unnecessarily salacious. What's going on in there?

Okay that's it, I'M CUTTING YOU OFF.

The boss here is Erika, aka "the first gym leader I didn't know the identity of beforehand the first time I played Pokémon Blue" due to Nintendo Power coverage ending with the previous post.

Not the first time our hero has heard that HEYOOOOOO

Why must I make everything sexy

Here's the sexiest thing of all: Arcanine dishing out Flamethrower. MAC SAID HE WANTS THE FLAMETHROWER!

I KNEW it. They're all dressed for a date! Little do they know, that soul patch guy won't be making it to any of these dates because I killed him. Was he like the only guy on Kanto Tinder or something?

In other news, how fashionable is Cataluña in a cutoff suit and tie?


The good news is that fire-types completely decimate this gym, and I've got two of them. Players who picked Charmander as their starter in Gen 1 finally had a gym they could sink their teeth into with this one.

It's cool how Erika lurks under this tree. It's as good of a place to stand around as anywhere in Kanto.

Before you get set up with the soul patch douche guy, I know just the person for you. Behold:

"I also like tree-ee-eeAHHHHH. Excuse me."

I think she fell asleep as the fight was commencing. She should probably see a doctor about this low energy problem.

Plant Pokémon are generally not my favorites. Here's Toad if he looked even more like Donald Trump's weewee.

Oh...yeah...I didn't take too many shots of that fight. It kinda just started and ended 3-4 Flamethrowers later.

Is that code for something?

With that, we're -finally- off to Saffron City, the center of gravity in Kanto. Is that thing in the picture what they consider a tall building? What is this, Portland?

Unfortunately, I can't go to the Saffron City gym. Not for a while, anyway. This one Team Rocket goon is in the way, and even though I've obliterated plenty of them, I can't fight this one for some reason. Maybe she has a really good lawyer.

Instead, I go next door to Saffron City's second, lesser gym. There's no badge for conquering this one, but it's there.

What they don't know: Cataluña knows Judo. She already locked the gym doors, and you guys are f*********ed.

Karate Master Koichi is desperate for an escape as Cataluña draws near.

Is this like being the Kick Master? Read my zany post on Kick Master for the NES here.

Charmeleon learns a very potent anti-dragon move at this point. His moveset is a bit lacking compared to Wartortle, so this is very welcome.

After winning here, you choose one of two fighting types. I go with the punching Pokémon, because if there's one thing I like, it's punchin'.

"I am an IMPORTANT MAN!" says the guard. "I demand satisfaction!"

Since guards are blocking me from going anywhere else that I need to go and I'm a bit lost, I take to the wilderness to try and capture Stephen King's Mr. Mime (Rated R).

I also find this guy who gives me Pikachu-flavored candy. That's all well and good, but what do I do now? More on this later when I get un-lost.


  1. Pikachu lights up? What kind of an example for the kids is that!

    Arcanine is a dog! Ar"canine"

    I like Pikachu on your shoulder there, looks a lot more natural than Eevee on your head like it's World of Final Fantasy or something.

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