Well, this game definitely came out after 2003. In this chapter, we go after... Saddam?
Damn it, Military-Industrial Complex! Now you're making Mog upset, you son of a bitch!
Talk to all of the moogles at the school and you get the "Moogle Mingler" trophy. Our heroes rub elbows with some pretty hip moogles. It helps that they wear...
...Bod Moogle Body Spray.
Bod Moogle: He Wants Your 'Bod.
Damn it, Military-Industrial Complex! Now you're making Mog upset, you son of a bitch!
Talk to all of the moogles at the school and you get the "Moogle Mingler" trophy. Our heroes rub elbows with some pretty hip moogles. It helps that they wear...
...Bod Moogle Body Spray.
Bod Moogle: He Wants Your 'Bod.
Some imperial guys talk about L'Cie and shite... while I guffaw at their outfits. They're like Future Russians.
W...T...F? Is that a live Tonberry? Why is it in our base? ....IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE.
The next dungeon is so foggy that it looks like something out of the N64 era.
Traveling around the weirdly-flat overworld is an extremely long and tedious process due to the uberfrequent random battles. However,
catching a chocobo before a long trip instantly makes this aspect of the
game much more tolerable.
One of the Empire's enemies is Lorica, which the Empire is trying to invade the capital of by the next morning. Lorica isn't going down without a fight.
I wouldn't be surprised if I were the only person in the world to notice this, but I'm pretty sure this is a reference to Secret of Mana. In that game there are weird "sound crystals" in Mandala that play clips from other dimensions (like ours, in a Jeopardy clip). One of them says something about "Lorima" striking back against the Empire, which was attempting to capture their capital by dawn. I always wondered what this was referring to, and it's pretty amazing to see this game finally clarify it twenty-two years later.
I wouldn't be surprised if I were the only person in the world to notice this, but I'm pretty sure this is a reference to Secret of Mana. In that game there are weird "sound crystals" in Mandala that play clips from other dimensions (like ours, in a Jeopardy clip). One of them says something about "Lorima" striking back against the Empire, which was attempting to capture their capital by dawn. I always wondered what this was referring to, and it's pretty amazing to see this game finally clarify it twenty-two years later.
...their resistance didn't last long though. The Empire continues to expand.
WTF is your problem, dude? Given how rude everyone is to Rem, I almost feel like I did something wrong in the story. Given the lack of choices, though, that's improbable. About all I can think of is that maybe declining SOs branded me for life with these people.
My least favorite part of this game? The lengthy overworld treks, which tend to be full of death. Chocobos mitigate all of the issues here, but they're uncommon. Aside from the constant random fights, there are also...
...these things roaming around that are basically super-enemies. I don't know what the point of this is. It isn't like I'm trying to go through an area I'm not supposed to be in yet. This is pretty much an area you need to go through in order to get anywhere.
Once they spot you, they CAN'T BE OUTRUN.
RUN, REM! RUN!
...and I got one-shotted. At level 63. A few hours into the story. Yeah. I really do not get what the point of those bull enemies is supposed to be.
"Bull" enemies indeed. You're damn right they're bull enemies!
"Bull" enemies indeed. You're damn right they're bull enemies!
Gingerly crossing the overworld, I manage to avoid the bull enemies this time, which means I only have to deal with the 20-30 random fights along the way.
Shot of the overworld map. It's huge, but sadly the explorable areas seem to be few and far-between. Most of this is just empty space.
Hot on the heels of the Secret of Mana reference, now we get a Final Fantasy VI reference as I stomp across the tundra in a stolen Magitek Armor, heading towards the Imperial factory city as snow falls.
These things HAVE to be intentional. If so, kudos, I'm liking what I'm seeing.
These things HAVE to be intentional. If so, kudos, I'm liking what I'm seeing.
The factory city in question looks more like Vector than Narshe, complete with searchlights.
What follows is the longest, most-grueling dungeon in the game. The factory goes on and on, and the enemies are nasty. I make use of the Wall spell to block a lot of their gunfire. Wall is pretty cool in that it creates a barrier of light. Reminds me of the barrier spells in this rad online FPS I played back in 1998 called Magestorm.
This guy is an imperial L'Cie, and our heroes have no chance against him. Better to run away. ...except it won't let me run away because the party are all just standing there not moving. To quote Shigeru Miyamoto, never take control away from the player during regular gameplay.
Nimbus, the boss, proceeds to insta-KO the character I'm controlling, and I can't do anything about that. Lame, lame, lame. Between this and the bulls, this game seems to love insta-death attacks.
I re-do the beginning of the dungeon with a character I don't like as much in the lead to take the KO, then switch back to Trey after that. In addition to creating some great cartoons, Trey fires a powerful bow that can be charged up (to five tiers of charge). I'd say he's probably the character I most like playing as since he can decimate enemies from a safe distance.
After taking out a bunch of Magitek Armors, our heroes battle Number 277. This is basically a mech from hell, with giant electrified pincers. It's the toughest fight up to this point and took me a few tries to figure out, since...you guessed it...it has insta-death attacks like so many other enemies in this game.
After that you battle Nimbus, but he's essentially impossible and you're supposed to lose. It's an odd fight, for sure.
That concludes Chapter 3. Aside from the final chapter, 8, that was the most difficult part of the game. It's a huge difficulty spike.
Fastforward a bit, and the Childlike Empress of the Concordia kingdom is making surrendery deals with The Empire. DON'T DO IT!
One of my characters looks a hell of a lot like Lightning from FFXIII.
On that note, get ready for a cutscene where the characters speak gibberish!
On that note, get ready for a cutscene where the characters speak gibberish!
The child said something about the crystals not wanting people to be at war, so now our heroes are standing around questioning why they're fighting if it isn't what the crystals want. Uhh, you're fighting because you're under attack from an empire?
You can say that again.
But wait! Now we find out that Class Zero actually killed Machina's brother in the past. What a tweest!
Machina basically pledges to end Class Zero...then goes back to working with them. So...is he a secret bad guy?
Man, this game has the rudest NPCs on the planet. In other news, my force is now known as the Rubrum Dominion as it gains strength. Weird to have the good guys be called the "Dominion". Between that and the red/brown outfits, I'm starting to wonder if these Hitler Youth are entirely on the up-and-up.
Eight, seen here prancing about gaily, is a formidable martial artist and fun to play as. I take him to the battle arena and fight a bunch of soldier waves just to get the timing down on his moves and maybe get his levels up. Need to have a bunch of mid-level characters to progress in this game; one doesn't cut it.
...it paid off.
Nevertheless, here we see King, the oldest member of Class Zero. He fights with dual guns, which are much weaker but much quicker than Trey's bow shots. He's a decent ranged character, especially against fast-moving enemies.
Nevertheless, here we see King, the oldest member of Class Zero. He fights with dual guns, which are much weaker but much quicker than Trey's bow shots. He's a decent ranged character, especially against fast-moving enemies.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... the timid 10 year old is found dead. Our "heroes" just take a gander at the corpse and move on. How about burying the kid? Come on.
But wait! It seems someone from Class Zero was the culprit. So...Machina?
Rem spouts some nonsense about how any of them could have done it and not know it, since The Crystal makes people forget doing things. Okay, I could really do without this increasingly-stupid crystal stuff.
Rem spouts some nonsense about how any of them could have done it and not know it, since The Crystal makes people forget doing things. Okay, I could really do without this increasingly-stupid crystal stuff.
The empire attacks! Trey swings into action, firing away with his bow.
"And my axe!"
Wait, what? Get out of here, Gimli!
"Okay. No need to be rude. I'll show myself out."
"And my axe!"
Wait, what? Get out of here, Gimli!
"Okay. No need to be rude. I'll show myself out."
Here's a shot worthy of the back cover of the game.
Next, our heroes confront the giant metal scorpion from FFVII, now aptly known as...heh...Vajra.
No, seriously, that's the Guard Scorpion from FFVII.
Mog could have probably worded that better. I'll take down the captain in her Vajra alright! I can be in there for hours!
...that was juvenile, I apologize.
...that was juvenile, I apologize.
Our heroes now camp out in the woods due to the base getting blown up and needing repairs.
And that's... when the fucking began.
And that's... when the fucking began.
Not to worry, though, because we've got a huge airship to air-lift us to safety. GET TO DA AIRSHIP.
Meanwhile, the empire makes a pact with Concordia, the one remaining powerful nation that they haven't invaded. This nets them the next crystal. Dammit, Concordia!
Basically Concordia is Texas from Jericho and the empire is Cheyenne. We gotta stop this alliance.
Basically Concordia is Texas from Jericho and the empire is Cheyenne. We gotta stop this alliance.
The Empire continues to collect crystals, and now owns a majority share.
To be continued.
To be continued.
Whew, this is looking grim for our heroes. I liked the more upbeat tone of this post though. And it's fun to me to see FF traditions carried on in totally different environments so many years after I imagined the series could continue as a kid. Remember being little and thinking "FF10? No way that's way too many"?
ReplyDelete"Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums, kupo"
DeleteMoogle Mingler is a great prize to have.
THE EMPIRE UNLEASHED A TONBERRY YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE
ReplyDeleteI guess you'd have to see the original Japanese for "Lorica" and "Lorima" as used in those games (if Lorima is even an accurate translation) and then compare those. They could be completely different and only sound similar in English.
Heh, it's like the entire overworld is the Midgar Zolom area.
You know what's BUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
It's definitely a newer take on FF4 with the Empire deliberately gathering up crystals.