Tuesday, January 24, 2023

Dragon Quest V SFC, Part 3 - Shonen Protagonist Prince Henry


...knocks. I am the one who knocks.

Mysidians were so helpless.

We rejoin things as our heroes are sneaking into Cooooburg castle, now in a state of total disrepair after the Queen ran the place into the ground.

This part had me stumped for a bit, even though I just did it in the remake not too long ago. The hidden passage is actually under the bridge that leads into the castle, and SUPER easy to not find. I should have known, because Zelda III taught me to always check under bridges in case there's a Secret Bottle Guy.

Turns out the Queen is a fake, and everyone despises her. The real Queen will have to return and deal with the repercussions and blame that'll fall back on her after this.

I'm gonna need to see some proof, lady. Also, the Queen thinks she's an Empress now.

Wait what

What the


So wait, the real Queen actually sucks just as much as the fake one in this version?

Prince Dale is Henry's younger brother, and he's a bit of a douche.

In fairer news, we spin back over to Maria's Catholic School, where she is thrilled to see our heroes.

She then goes off and changes into one of those Catholic Schoolgirl Skirts, then comes back and starts skipping in circles around Henry. He does nothing, because he isn't sure if she's flirting with him, and wouldn't want to overstep his bounds. He scratches the back of his head and stands very still.

The nun here talks about -Lambs- while Maria licks Henry's earlobe. He does nothing except emit a large sweatdrop, because he wouldn't want to be inappropriate.

The next dungeon (the one you need Maria to unlock) has this obscure hidden walkway. I'll say this, DQV has a few things that a guide really helps with. I've tried playing this game without one and it's easy to get lost.

This legendary mirror shows the true self of the one who looks into it.

When our hero looks into this mirror, he sees... himself, no frills.

When Henry looks into it, he sees a potted plant.

When Maria looks into it, she sees a horse walking around on two legs with a raging boner.



After exposing the fake Empress, we fight...whatever this thing is. Is that a grass skirt? This seems vaguely racist, Enix. No wonder they never localized this game, between this boss and all of the sex scenes.

I drop off Maria and Henry at the castle, having liberated Reinhart (the former Coburg).

I'll just leave you two to...whatever it is that you're up to.

Wait what? She's just going back to the nunnery?

Henry is so confused, and emits a large sweatdrop.

Next up is the fight with Gaz's cat, now fully grown. This is yet another spot where the game doesn't give you much insight, and it's easy to get stuck if you aren't using a guide. He has infinite HP, so this fight will go on forever until you use Bianca's Ribbon. Remember Bianca's Ribbon? From like the first hour of the game?

This immediately ends the fight, since Bianca smells like catnip.

Outside, we run into a group of potentials for Chaozu's Future Wife.

I make sure to detour and do the brief sidequest to get the Return spell. I like that this game makes you work for the Return spell, unlike all the other games that hand it to you near the start. It feels way more important here. On the downside, not having it for the first third of this game is a little bit of an annoyance.

The brief sidequest requires going out to find this herb...which is only pickable at night. Once again, it's a good thing I had a guide.

The spell-maker gets a little carried away at his recent successes, and flies off the handle a bit.

"Next, I'm going to invent Zap...and use it on my bitch of an ex-wife!"

I gotta go, sir.

Gaz's field-use spell list is completely filled-out now. It's pretty clear looking at this that he's not really intended to be an endgame character, even though I've always used him as one. Especially with the party size now limited to 3. I'm gonna have to make some careful choices.

That was quick. I've only been gone for like a day and a half. Maybe they haven't gotten out of bed yet.

"If I study at a nunnery, maybe I too can land a prince!"

That's not why you're supposed to study at a nunnery...

We head back to Reinhart, only to find everyone in town completely drunk from all the partying going on after the marriage. What the hell is this??

Some lady offers our hero a Puff Puff in a side-room. Reinhart went from being in a state of economic decay to being a frat-house in two days.

Gaz is like "......." the whole time, while the bunny girl furiously bats him about the face with her boobs.

"They're having sex, sir. Again. Sigh."

They care about Gaz enough to pull up their britches and go meet him. It's a reunion! ...after a very short time!

I hate when games do stuff like this, where a couple gets together, and the woman is showing interest in your character, like maybe they would have gotten together if things were slightly different / if your character went for it.

Xenogears does this with Fei and Alice at the beginning. I've seen it in a lot of games though.

Every woman doesn't have to be interested in your protagonist and second-guessing themselves. It really kind of diminishes their relationships and the very idea of relationships, just to puff up the main character a bit. Let other characters actually have happy marriages without the wife secretly wanting your character.

Maria isn't sure if she made the right choice because she also liked Gaz, but no, no that's silly crazy talk!

"Absolute crazy talk! Me and Gaz?"

At this point in the game, everyone you meet starts talking about marriage all of a sudden and pressuring your character to get married.

"Are you married yet?" she says. "What about now?"

I take a moment to enjoy the (imagined) view from the castle. It may seem silly in light of the visuals of modern games, but I used to like to do this kind of thing a lot in old RPGs. Like FFIV comes to mind. I'd find a nice cliff on Mt. Ordeals and sit there looking off of it and listening to the music.

Back on the overworld, our heroes face a new nightmare: The war against the Metal Hunters.

Here's Flora's town, where Flora immediately runs into our hero and instantly falls in love with him. Just like real life!

Flora: "He's so handsome! But, drat, I have a boyfriend already! That's okay, I'll just leave my boyfriend. Oh but I mustn't, that's crazy talk!"

Salabona should be called "Salaboner" with Flora and Debora running around all day in their little outfits.

Actually Flora doesn't have any siblings here, Debora was created just for the remake. As if they needed to make the choice even more difficult. At least the 3 characters are very distinct in their abilities and add some replay value.

Flora is the daughter of famed debutante Rudaman* and he's seeking a husband for her.

* - The first time I played this, his name was translated as Rudaman. I'm keeping it alive.

"Rudaman is ya rude boy!" she says in a Jamaican accent. "Brrrap! Brrrrap!"

Next, we talk to Flora's Platonic Male Friend Andy:

"You know, grew up with her, was best friends with her in school...no big deal, really, just years and years of being there for her while she dated all of those jock douchebags."

"SO BACK OFF" he says while twitching uncontrollably.

This other guy is a little more chill about it. He wonders aloud if she is blue...down there.

WE INTERRUPT THAT THOUGHT WITH... prepare for Rudaman!

"Yeah! Yeah!" says Rudaman while bopping his hips to the sides like Pumbaa.

Only a Person of Lordly Caliber can eat the blue cotton candy. Which probably means nobody in this room, let's be honest.

Flora is all "can I participate in this event that will decide how I spend the next few years since the divorce rate is sky high rest of my life?"

Ha ha ha! What a silly woman!

Flora: "My father is a psychotic maniac! He's going to make you guys climb into a fucking volcano!"

Then she notices that guy she just met is here and is all "swoon" and leaves us to it. Suddenly us risking our lives is no longer an issue. I don't know, she's going to have to compete with Maria and every other girl he makes eye contact with, because he's The Protagonist.

Rudaman is very impressed with Gaz. He and Flora would surely create some attractive granddaughters...and then he can pawn them off to suitors too! He'll be rolling in dowries!

"Then you can be a rude boy like me! Brrrap!" says Rudaman before lighting up the ganja. The man is playing the long game, for sure.

::hip bops:: "Yeah! Yeah!"


  1. Wow, your levels seem really high for this point of the game to me.

    Mountains're nice.

    "Flora: "My father is a psychotic maniac! He's going to make you guys climb into a fucking volcano!"" - LOL

    1. Just wait, my levels go up by leaps and bounds in a short time soon enough. To say nothing of what I do in the DQ6 Remake playthrough that'll show up on here eventually...