Thursday, August 5, 2021

Dragon Warrior III (GBC) - Part 4: Only the Lonely

Dragon Quest III: Now available on SouljaConsole. Game Speed FPS 1:1!

The nutty thing about this: The console is a Chinese-made knockoff console with an emulator and 800 old ROMs on it, so it wasn't even made by SouljaGames. In other words, Soulja Boy's literally one contribution to the design of this console was slapping a badly-copypasted image of Soulja Boy onto the box. "Nintendo ain't doing shit!" he said when reached for comment.

Next up is the Navel of the Earth, the pride of Australia. This infamous dungeon requires the Hero to go it alone...however, it'll take whoever is up front in the group, so you can potentially gimp it by sending a ringer. Except that the hero is the most well-rounded and suitable character for this as it is. He's most likely to BE the ringer.

Here it is, Gaia's belly button. The people in the town even mention that this area is right about where the planet's belly button would be.

This is one of the best armors in the game. However the real prize of this place... the 4th orb. The second half of the game just absolutely flies by compared to the first.

"No." says the hero before painting half his face and cruising off on a skateboard while Darby Allin's theme plays.

Meanwhile, back in New Town...

...Jesus Christ dude!

8G? 8G to sleep in the town I founded? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??

"I run New Taw" says 50 Cent when reached for comment.

Lorne is going to have a theater built where he can put on the Dandy Clothes and sing, to the delight of New Town. I hope he bounces around the stage like Yo-landi.

Elsewhere, Brazil (or maybe it's closer to Peru) is home to this oddball city where a dictator has taken control. His minions are dragging people to Gitmo for the slightest infraction.

Well, this game got dark quickly.

Yeah, they usually are. Then it's this big surprise to everyone when the leaders they gave way too much power to end up abusing the power.

A funeral is transpiring for an executed civilian. His only crime was questioning the king.

On a lighter note, I realized one of the big things this game is missing compared to DQXI despite their similarities: Accents. The people in all of these different parts of the world don't really have any defining accents, aside from North American natives talking in slightly broken English. In DQXI the accents never ceased to be an entertaining component of the game.

Regardless, time to check in with the culinary chef maids.

...firmly spanked? Handcuffed and pleasured for an extended time until you can't stand it anymore?

Oh. Looks like the king's idea of "punishment" is different from mine.

Our next quest is to find this mirror that reveals the true forms of things, since the king is actually a monster imposter.

The king's real identity is revealed, and it's...

...Pepe the Frog? "Kek" he says when reached for comment.

I kid, long-time DQ players know that this is actually Triple H. In a game with some very difficult boss fights, this is one of the easier ones.

7. Boss Troll
6. Zoma's Gank Squad (King Hydra, Baramos Corpses)
5. Kandar I
4. Orochi
3. Baramos
2. Kandar II
1. Zoma

Winning gets you this staff that changes everyone's form to whatever they're talking to. Typically the subject being copied is terminated.

...wait, no, here's our friend now.

Using the Staff of Change at the elf village causes everyone to suddenly stop being racist and actually sell me things. THEY FINALLY SEE ME FOR ME.

This is the one place where you can buy the MP-restoring (and crucial for the last dungeon) Wizard Rings. And it's a limited-time offer, because...

...soon after, this guy wants to trade it for his bone. I made sure to stock up on Wizard Rings first, got like 12 of them. That should get me through the lategame.

Editor's Note: I only needed like 3

After giving us his bone, the man gleefully skips away with his new Staff of Change.

He uses it to transform into... Broken Matt Hardy?

The bone gives you the location of...this random ghost ship. Is it possible to keep the Staff of Change and find this ghost ship by yourself, you ask? Unfortunately, no. The ghost ship doesn't even appear until you wave the bone around. Also how cavemen attracted potential mates.

Everyone on here is a skeleton. It is truly...the Bone Zone.

I'll show myself out.

Tessa finds something hot. It'd be hotter if her name wasn't TANK.

Editor's Note: This is actually an incredibly important item, though I didn't know it yet. More on that later.

The Gaia sword isn't a weapon so much as a key. Cast this into the fires of the volcano and it opens the way to the Necrogond, domain of Baramos. First, let's check in on New Town's progress.

Lorne is happy with the progress of the town, especially because he has now built himself a throne room full of treasure chests and cocaine piles. I don't know, man, that seems like a bit of excess.

Dun dun DUNNNNN. Yes, it turns out that the citizens of New Town are none too thrilled with Lorne's hoarding of wealth.

"Those horns! It's too sexy!"

Speaking of which...not only is New Town a den of inequity, it is now a den of debauchery.

My God! What kind of theater is this?

The next day...Lorne is incarcerated.

That's right, Lorne built this city. ...He built this city.

As Lorne does some soul-searching and repents for his greed, we obtain the Yellow Orb. This took a while to get. That's five down, one left...and the only place left to go is the Necrogond.

Throwing the Gaia Sword into this volcano creates the path we need to Baramos' mountain domain.

Before Baramos' Castle is the Cave to Necrogond, which is probably this game's version of Cave to Rhone. It's nowhere near as difficult, especially if you know the correct route.

One of the best swords in the game. If this were DQII, it'd be THE best sword.

Sage gets one of the most important spells in the game: TwinHits. This significantly increases the damage meleers do, and is just as important as Sap. It also helps a bit with Metal enemies since it makes you hit for 2 damage instead of 1. For the meta I'm doing, it's crucial.

Eventually, I get through the Necrogond Cave. On the other side, we find this guy:

Whoa, okay. "I've been waiting years to see another human!" he says. " horny"

Now that we've got all six orbs (and got away from the horny orb-keeper's wandering hands), it's time to awaken Lamia. The legendary bird is guarded by these creepy twins.

I like how it lets you place all six orbs yourself rather than doing it for you. Makes it seem like a bigger accomplishment. Do this, and...

...the egg stirs.

My God. It's the legendary Pokémon, Lamia.

With this, you can fly all over the world and reach previously-unreachable locations. This is also the first mode of flying in any DQ game.

This allows us to reach the Castle of Baramos, scourge of the planet. It's located in a lake in what would be roughly modern-day Tanzania. However, despite the over-grinding I've been doing, I'm still not strong enough to take this place on. Luckily, the Necrogond Cave is home to...

...the elusive Metal Babbles, which make leveling a snap now. The only thing missing from this area is an infinite healing inn, like the endgame plateau of Dragon Quest II.

More spells are acquired, and the Sage is really dishing out some AOE damage. We've still got a ways to go, so I'll be back later with the endgame.

Other Dragon Quest Posts

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, this is pre-Square Enix. At least you're getting your accents fix in Dragon Quest IV.

    Wow, that is Broken Matt to a T.

    There's an awful lot of bone in this post!