Friday, August 5, 2016

Pokemon: Generation I (Part 3 - Lt. Surge)

 Today on Pokemon Yellow, Ambrose wakes up behind a dumpster and resumes his quest to become Pokemon Champion. I've got my Pokemon levelled-up, litter box trained, and ready for action. Tune in as "The Destroyer" Metapod absolutely goes full wrecking-ball on everything in sight.

You must be a cool guy.

He proceeds to unleash a snake on our heroes! Take this seriously, Mankey!

America's favorite Kung-Fu monkey barely wins. Just think, if Mankey would stand upright during battles, he'd be unstoppable!

Our hero gets his first evolved Pokemon, as Pidgey finally grows up into the man we knew he'd be. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

The cottage of the aptly-named Bill (played by Jeff Goldblum) lurks out in the middle of nowhere. a Pokemon, one who can talk because he used to be a man. It seems that he did an experiment with teleportation and ended up fusing with one of his 'mons. The devil's hands have been busy.

In other words...he's Brundle from The Fly. I told you he was Jeff Goldblum!

Luckily, it's a simple matter to send him through the teleporter in reverse and turn him back into a human. What happened to the Pokemon, though?


After that bizarre interlude, I continue to the south. There's a daycare set up where you can leave a Pokemon temporarily and have them level up independently. You get something like 1 XP per step, and it's a fairly efficient way to level a 'mon who is too weak to fight consistently. On emulator, you can crank up the frameskip and run back and forth right outside the daycare for a little while to get a bunch of levels.

I stumble upon Vermillion City and the third gym, only to encounter the most bastardly and insurmountable of obstacles: Fence and Signpost.

Forget Ornstein and Smough. The most fearsome duo in videogame history is Fence and Signpost.

Since I can't get to the gym, I have to take a big detour at this point.

That detour brings me to the S.S. Anne, a cruise ship parked nearby and the next "dungeon".

As our heroes approach, various Pitbull songs waft from the boat while dozens of racially-ambiguous women in bikinis dance.

Inside the boat, things are significantly less fun, as Ambrose must deal with an elderly gentleman who hates all this "Bulldog Music".

Luckily, Rattata is armed with one of the best TMs yet: Dig. This is the equivalent of Kain's Jump in Final Fantasy IV. Your 'mon disappears for a turn, then pops back in with a high-damage strike. Despite Rattata's low-ish levels, he can dish out some major damage with this move while staying protected in the meantime. It usually one-shots enemies weak to it. A lot of the effectiveness depends on whether the enemy moves before or after you, though, since Rattata can't take much damage.

Moving on from the grumpy old man, our hero encounters a beefy Sailor Moon cosplayer.

"I'm cosplaying as Sailor Mercury, asshole!"


Well, so far this cruise ship has been nothing but jerks starting fights with me. What happened to all the ladies and music?

As if things can't get any worse, the capper on this crappy day is a visit from the famed Frenchman, Rollins.

Once again, he brings fewer Pokemon to the fight than I do, but...once again...mine are weakened from the fights before this.

It's BIRD VERSUS BIRD as my new second-tier evolution does some heavy-lifting while Mankey takes a generous gulp from a flask.

I win again! The score is now...ah, whatever. In any case, I get another evolution out of the deal, and this time it's none other than Bulbasaur! Pretty sure he would have been my starter if I were playing Pokemon Red/Blue instead of this.

Ivysaur: No relation to Poison Ivy, of Batman fame. Later he'll evolve into Venusaur, who was once engaged to wrestling legend Val Venis. It didn't work out.

Is that AFI playing in the background? Don't do it, man!

The boat leaves after the defeat of Rollins and the acquisition of Cut (which was my reason for going there...need it to get to Lt. Surge since I can't hop over a fence). The sound of Pitbull and the magnificent 'bods of the women onboard gradually recede from view as Ambrose lights up a joint and gazes across the ocean. We really are dust in the wind, man.

Oh My God! Not you too, Charmander! YOU GOT TOO MUCH TO BE HAPPY ABOUT, SON!

Arriving in the gym, the Angry Video Game Nerd is on hand to give out sage advice. Know why Lt. Surge is cautious? Because he spotted some of them Mexicans running across his land! LT. SURGE WILL NOT BE MOCKED!

What follows is an oddly tedious and out of place puzzle where you need to rummage in trash cans to proceed. It's random and makes no sense. I don't wanna talk about it.

Finally, we arrive at Lt. Surge. This is the sickest, most brutal thing I've ever witnessed in a Pokemon game! GOD AS MY WITNESS, THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE! ...and the battle hasn't even started yet!

...penis? You were going to say penis, weren't you! I don't have to take your microaggressions about my body! #MinusSizedAndProud #OwningIt #EndPenisShaming

...balls? FINALLY, some credit where credit is due!

" my butt!"

Why is this guy such a sicko!?

So far, he's succeeding.

My God! He IS showing us his butt!

"I only have one Pokemon, but By Christ one Pokemon is all I need, small fry!"

Raichu one-shots Mankey! Damn it! HE WAS JUST A BOY!

Raichu one-shots everybody else! Time to bring out the last, best hope of mankind: Raichu Lite. Oh damn.

It's Pikachu Vs. Raichu in the battle of the millennium! Unfortunately, I lost this one, but there was hope for a win on my second attempt.

Ultimately, it was Rattata who finished the job, thanks to Dig.

Winning gets me a very strong electric attack. I made the mistake of giving this to Pikachu, then found out that he learns Thunderbolt on his own at level 26. Argh!

Abra/Kadabra/Allakhazam is one of my favorite Pokemon from Gen 1. Haven't been able to capture one, because they run away faster than Donald Trump from a debate.

Meanwhile, Mankey finally evolves into the devastating Primeape. I thought Mankey was formidable, but this thing absolutely rolls over a lot of trainer encounters.

The evolution continues, as Rattata becomes a fairly decent mid-level Pokemon. Been wanting a Raticate, but there's a good chance I'll have to replace him before long.

Side Note: If you're wondering if Pikachu is going to evolve to Raichu in this version, I was wondering the same thing. Looked into it, and it looks like Pikachu is simply Pikachu throughout this game. On one hand, I was kinda looking forward to Raichu. On the other hand, I like that Pikachu is going to be a mainstay throughout the game. Question is, will he get better stats and more powerful abilities than your garden-variety Pikachu, since you're likely keeping him on your team for the whole game? Let's hope so.

After conquering the gym, I get the third of the traditional starters. If I'm going to include all three of them on the team plus Pikachu and Primeape, that leaves one position left. Pidgeyotto and Raticate must now engage in MORTAL KOMBAAAAT!

But wait! Another evolution is taking place!

Charmeleon is formidable, and I don't have any other fire options at this early point so this fills a much-needed elemental gap. Not only will he devastate foes with a fire weakness, he'll also be crucial if we decide to anger Smokey Bear.

Raticate won MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT!, and what was left of Pidgeyotto was given a Viking Funeral at sea.

Lastly, Squirtle joins the tier 2 evolution party quickly after some grinding. He rounds out the team with his ferocious claws and sharp teeth.

Our next mission: Find a way to wake up this thing. No word on if Marin is available to sing.

Another possibility is to traverse this tunnel. The world is a bit more open at this point and I don't exactly recall what to do next; after all, I only played this gen once before, in 1998. We've covered all of the stuff that I remember well, so from this point on I'm venturing into somewhat hazy territory.

I'm legitimately excited for this game. I'll figure out what to do next and journey onward soon enough.


  1. "I'm a cool guy!"

    With the color scheme that Gentlemen looks like one of those sad clowns.

    If Surge is so cautious he should have brought more than one pokemon!

    With Abra you just throw the pokeball the first round and hope for the best.

    Keep leveling that Charmeleon, you're gonna need something that can use Fly before too long.

  2. Linkin Park is responsible for over 85 % emo related suicide tentatives. Let's eradicate emo suicide from the source!

  3. The game enthusiast are looking forward to the latest downloads of Pokemon Omega Ruby and alpha Sapphire that can bring the bundles of delight for them and the good news is that you do not have to go any further as we are the providers of this sensational gaming experience.