Monday, August 11, 2014

Dragon Warrior IV RAW IS WAR Episode 5

IT'S MY LIFE IN A BOX, AND IT'S HARD TO BEAT!

TAKING CHALK IN MY ARMS, IT'S THE SOUL OF ME!

YOU WANT FIRE, ASHES SEE ME LAYING FACE DOWN!

WHY AM I THE THORN! IN YOUR EYE!


The last two weeks' episodes were pre-empted by the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, but we're back this week with more WWF RAW IS DW4.


"TONIGHT RAW EXPLODES LIVE FROM ZENITHIA, CALIFORNIA!"

Eric Bischoff: "Know what RAW IS DW4 needs more of? Hot...Lesbian...Action."

I attempt to get Alena some hot lesbian puf-puf of her own, but apparently they don't service women here. They also immediately reject her application for employment.

At this point, our heroes journey into the past to confront Necrosaro's past girlfriend, Rosa. Before long, they arrive outside of Rosa's steamy tower of pleasure.

Ragnar then proceeds to whip out his flute. He whips it out and plays with it right in front of everyone!

Taloon: "And to my left... weighing in at a BUFF! ...CUT! ...RIPPED! ...JACKED! ...CHISELED! Two-hundred and forty-five pounnnnnnds... RAGGGGNAR!"

Ragnar's flute-playing causes momentary shock and disgust among all the females, which soon gives way to horniness. The orgy is prevented, however, by the arrival of...

This moderately tough goon, who turns over the Sphere of Silence.

Rosa and her pet slime now school our heroes on what's going on. Then Rosa realizes an actual man is in the room with her for the first time in years.

"And three women!" says the slime.

After the orgy, when everyone is feeling bad about themselves, Rosa cries about Saro and how he became Hollywood Necrosaro. He used to be a hero! DAMMIT THE ROCK BELIEVED IN YOU!

And then we warp back to the present. Huh.

Finally, I arrive in a very special room: The Metal Babble Hovel.

In here, not only do the highest-exp yielding enemies in the game spawn, your back row characters also get exp. This room is the single best level-building spot in the game.

In this shrine, I find a staff that lets characters change their appearance. With this, Ragnar can transform into a woman and engage in...

"HLA! HLA!"

...unfortunately, instead they have to use it to turn into monsters and eavesdrop on Saro's army meetings. Damn plot getting in the way of the HLA. Why don't they just un-transform and assassinate the bad guy right now?

Next, our heroes trek to Aktemto in search of Esturk, a diabolical fiend from the underworld who must be stopped. Apparently Saro also wants to stop him, but this isn't an "enemy of my enemy" situation.

The lowest tiers of the cavern are... unique. Impressively creepy for the NES.

After reaching the lowest level of the dungeon, our heroes must contend with...

...the man-beast, Rhino!

"GORE! GORE! GORE!"

And then... here's Esturk. The embodiment of hell and evil and whatnot. This guy could get final boss status, but he's more the Baramos of the game.

Estea unleashes her newest move! THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE, ESTEA!

BAH GAWD!

It was an underwhelming fight, thanks to all of my leveling at the Metal Babble Hovel.

Now, Necrosaro realizes that he didn't actually kill the legendary hero earlier. He then retreats quickly. This doesn't bode well...

Victory gets me... a gas canister? What?

Immediately, Ragnar starts huffing it. Dammit, Ragnar!

And now we get the most disturbing flashback scene of the game, as Saro finds Rosa mortally wounded from a bunch of (rapists?) and goes full-evil, swearing to obliterate the human race. Yeah, this sure is a lot like Live-a-Live. The way the character chapters are set up and the way the big villain is a fallen hero who ended up hating humanity.

Next, I use the gas canister to get a hot air balloon. Finally, we have air travel. ...though not necessarily air superiority. Thing is mad slow.

It's worth noting that for the first time in this ENTIRE SERIES, Green Dragons now have a different look than they did in the original game.

"Well...well...well. Forget the Green Dragons, for it is I, the quintessential studmuffin. Every female's top tourist destination, and the man whose penis is TRULY the happiest place on Earth!"
Our heroes climb the World Tree, where they meet the final character of the game. Lucia is a powerful sorceress... and a stunning redhead.

After pleasuring Lucia for hours, Estea finally gets the best sword in the game. Now she has the full Zenithian set, in addition to being Full Gay as opposed to College Gay.

"HLA! HLA!"

Man, get outta here!

Dr. Wily? My God! Dr. Wily is here! And he became...an African witch-doctor?

......alright, different Wily. Noted.

After climbing a sky-castle, our heroes find a cloud they can ride Dragonball Z style.

This transports them to... another castle, suspended on a cloud. HOW IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING

Moments after this picture was taken, Estea pushed the imp into a closet, where they disappeared for over an hour. No one knows what exactly she did with that imp.

WWE Divas: Strong! Sexy! Confident!

...and that's how we got a second Dew of the World Tree.

Our heroes find the King of Dragons, who seems an awful lot like Final Fantasy I's Bahamut with his two guards and his powering-up abilities. Less Eternal Dragon on this one.

Estea's sword begins throbbing, so Bahamut politely asks them to leave.

And....at the very least, Estea can use the "masturbating makes you go blind" excuse.


2 comments:

  1. Ha, best reason ever for the recent lack of DQ4 is WAR.

    This game cleverly subverts the whole "have a bad guy the whole game, then a higher power at the end" deal. You just took out the sudden higher power and there's still plenty of game.

    It's also worth noting that these green dragons look lame-ass. Sometimes change isn't what we can believe in.

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  2. Saro's story is legitimately one of the best villain explanations ever. 25 years later so many games still struggle to match it.

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