Monday, July 14, 2014

Dragon Warrior IV RAW IS WAR, Episode 2

IT'S MY LIFE IN A BOX, AND IT'S HARD TO BEAT!

TAKING CHALK IN MY ARMS, IT'S THE SOUL OF ME!

YOU WANT FIRE, ASHES SEE ME LAYING FACE DOWN!

WHY AM I THE THORN! IN YOUR EYE!





 TONIGHT ON DW4 IS WAR! NARA AND MARA FIGHT BALZACK IN A THREE WAY DANCE FOR THE CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE! TALOON WILL BE IN ACTION!

 Taloon Gertner is a pudgy, mustachioed plumber merchant who lives with his hot wife, Neta.

 "WELL...WELLLLL...Well. It is I, the quintessential studmuffin. I'm like milk; I do a body good. Put those floppy disks away, because I've got the biggest hard drive in professional wrestling. The biggest ladykiller since OJ Simpson! I deliver more package than UPS! I'm Taloon 'Bigger and better than the Titanic, because only 400 women went down on the Titanic' .......Gertner."

I REALLY loved this chapter the first time I played the game. I spent a lot of time just merchanting it up, buying and selling. The second and final time, I was in a bit more of a hurry so it didn't have the same appeal.

Taloon makes slave wages here. The reason he makes slave wages is probably because he doesn't actually do his job.

He also steps on flowers, can't really fight, and doesn't know how to give Neta an orgasm. In short, Taloon is the worst person ever.

....what a loser.

 I find a safe that keeps me from losing gold when I take a game over. It's basically Taloon's Money in the Bank briefcase. WILL HE CASH IN ON THE CHAMPION?

 NO! Taloon is a married man! Only Neta gets the mustache ride.

And that goes for guys too! Taloon will not go out with you!

 Oh, turns out that he just wants our hero to deliver a letter. This tense backstage moment is interrupted by THE DEMON KANE, so Taloon hurries on his way.

 The princess' name is Mia. Isn't she the one that Alena almost gay-married in the previous episode?

She only has eyes... for Reeeed (baowaoaowao... doon... baowaowaowaowao... doon).

My love MUST BE A KIND...OF BLIND LOOOOOVE

Whoa. It's the first cross-promotional encounter between characters from separate chapters.

 Taloon's treasure hunt continues, as he strikes riches.

 Now he and Neta and their (stolen) dog can afford to buy their own shop and make the REAL bucks.

Neta is a great character. Why can't we get more of her in this game?

"Hands off the merchandise!" says Taloon as Shawn "HBK" Michaels' theme plays.

 "I'm just a sexy boy!" says Taloon as he and Neta get frisky in the back room.

 That's the end of chapter 3. Super short, no boss to speak of. Next is the first particularly difficult part of the game.

You play as the Bella Twins for this one. Mara (left) is a dancer/black mage, while Nara (right) is a fortuneteller/healer. This caster-heavy pairing doesn't make for the most efficient party.

 You KNOW this chapter is about Divas because an escaped breast implant immediately attacks our heroines.

One of the major villains of this game is (snicker) Balzack. His destiny is inexorably intertwined with that of the Bella Twins. Their whole chapter revolves around finding and defeating this guy. Apparently he invaded their homeland and took the throne.

 This prophet foresees our party becoming a powerful force soon.

At this point, a tough dude named Orin joins the party. He won't be around long, but it's good to have some tank support.

 The sly Nara uses gunpowder to create some loud noises and scare a crooked councilman into retreating to his panic room. ...or something along those lines. It was late.

He leads our heroes right to it: The Lair of (snicker) Balzack.

 Once inside the room, we see Balzack hanging out on his throne. Not for long, because our match starts NOWWWWW!

 Much like Zoma in the previous game, Balzack is unbeatable until you debuff him. The Sphere of Silence removes his invulnerability, and from there...

 ...a single Sap spell will reduce his defense to nothing.

He's STILL a really difficult fight. The kicker was realizing that group-targeting spells landed on him while single-target damage spells didn't. For instance, Blaze won't land but Fireball will.

 After I barely eke out a win, another bad guy appears. Apparently all of these guys work for Necrosaro, the mystery man from the tournament.

Wait! Is that... what's "Big Kev" Kevin Nash doing in the Impact Zone?

 Keeleon Nash proceeds to Jackknife Powerbomb everyone into oblivion.

Orin heroically holds off the enemy guards as the Bella Twins flee for their lives. Their efforts to liberate their homeland have failed.

The only way out of here is to hop on a ship and sail away from this wretched continent. Next stop: Endor. It really does seem like all roads lead back to Endor.

Here's Pipin... No sign of Merry.

Off to the final chapter, as chapter 4 ends.

 One thing is for sure: This is one chapter I don't mind getting behind... and staying there.




2 comments:

  1. Taloon is as gods.

    Also, chapter 4 gave us this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b56sxPRukTY

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  2. Did they start every Raw with missile blasts? Wowww. Too bad it might give people PTSD now...
    Taloon's Money in the Bank Briefcase LOL
    "Come over here..." man Neta is great, you're right. Can't wait for more Taloon in later chapters.
    Nara and Mara...yo. Really interesting arc, in that you almost succeed but then have to escape. Ahh the pain!
    Great musical interlude, Brayn. This theme is off the chain!
    *Salutes Orin*

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