Monday, July 5, 2021

Double Dragon: The Movie (1994)

What am I doing with my LIIIIIIIIFE

We start with a voiceover explaining what exactly the Double Dragon is. Turns out, it's a medallion with two dragons on it. Long ago, in ancient China, a king created it to help him win a war. Supposedly it grants super powers to the person who holds it.

In the modern era, a bunch of goons are fighting monks in an effort to steal the 'Dragon. At least, I think this is the modern era.

The leader of the bad guys is this Kylo Ren looking character. Hey...hey wait a minute. Dat der's a lady.

She finds the Dragon medallion (or, from the looks of things, half of it) after disposing of the local monks.

Hair-swishing helmet-removal reveal! Yeah, I knew it.

New Angeles! 6AM. 2007, which was 13 years in the future when this movie came out.

At least it isn't called "Neo" Angeles. Also, at least the apocalypse was a quake in this story and not the usual nuclear war or plague. Turns out a quake is bad enough, and turned L.A. into an island war-zone where order is barely maintained.

Here's the villain, and the main reason I'm watching this: Robert Patrick, of Wayne's World fame. Not sure if he's Willy, or the Shadow Boss, or some other series villain. ::checks notes:: Actually he's a new guy, Koga Shuko. A Japanese name for a white? ...He has been many things.

Here's his goon squad, led by Kyla Ren. They're proud of themselves for ransacking some Tibetan monk village, only to then be told...

...that this is only HALF of the Dragon medallion! According to Koga's Hey Google, without the other half, Koga can't become fully invincible.

Note: I like the background view there. This guy has an office at the top of the tallest building in New Angeles, like President Shinra. He seems to be the CEO of Shuko Corp, but I'm not really sure what exactly it is that Koga does. How did he get all of this money?

Looks like the half-medallion still does SOMETHING, and turns him into a Ghost-type where he seems to become air.

Elsewhere, at a martial arts tournament somewhere in The Post-Apocalyptic Zone...

Jimmy (left) and Billy Lee are battling it out with some punks to win a trophy. It's the opposite of the games, as Jimmy is the calm levelheaded (if lacking some confidence) brother while Billy is the brash, cocksure, overconfident brother. Also they look NOTHING alike. I mean, people can be brothers and have little resemblance, but it's worth pointing out because they were practically twins in the games.

They lose the fight due to Billy's stupid mistakes, and the other team calls them "Looooooosers"

Billy FLIPS OUT at this. Oh no they DIDN'T!

He then puts one of the guys through a table! Jesus Christ!

Also, there's a dwarf nearby jacking this giant jack that keeps the roof jacked up, since apparently all of the post-quake roofs here are in a perpetual state of caving in. That's this guy's actual job, watching the roof and jacking all day.

To further drive the point home, we see a commercial for the device people use to jack their roofs. Just a ton of jackin' going on here in New Angeles. Everybody's jackin', you'd think it was San Diego.

On the TV, future ex-governor Gavin Newsom and future president Vanna White feel the news at you. Not sure what the point of this scene is. Not even sure what the tone of this movie is supposed to be, because so far it seems like it's trying to be both serious and goofy at the same time. Is it a dystopian superhero drama with some humor, or a comedy with some action? Ya know what though, I bet kids who liked the games were really into this at the time.

It isn't an awful movie, like Highlander II or something. I mean it's kind of bad...okay it's real bad.

Everyone has to wear masks because the air is full of deadly radiation.

Weather correspondent Andy Dick tells us today's weather: Ash overhead with a bit of fallout.

Occasionally we get some pretty well-done shots of the apocalypse. Everything's still pretty much here, just...quaked.

It's worth noting that Jimmy (driving) is played by Hawaiian actor Mark Dacascos, a legit martial arts master and general cool guy who deserved a lot better than this role. Dude is awesome. In any case, Billy and Jimmy drive around with...their sister? I'm not sure. Whoever she is, she's got the other half of the Dragon medallion.

I'm gonna have to look this up because they've seriously given us no clue who she is.

Editor's Note: WHOA. She's their legal guardian, since they don't have parents. I would have guessed sister, or one of their girlfriends. She isn't that much older than them. She's another new character only found in this movie. They haven't told us what her name is yet.

They get pulled over at a roadblock by the Shadow Warriors or whatever they're called now. Here's Abobo, and by God he demands their ideological compliance or else. "Put your fist in the air, you racists!"

WHOA, I did NOT see that coming!

We also get this Highlander II refugee, who squawks like a rooster. "MACLOOOOOD"

At the behest of the guardian lady (not The Guardian), our heroes push their way outta there, lightly brushing past all of the Shadow Warriors that are beating on their car with clubs. In a lot of non-Florida states they'd be charged with multiple counts of attempted manslaughter for this, and Huffington Post would do an article about them "plowing through" the peace-loving, not-at-all-blocking-the-road Shadow Warriors, and last but not least our boys would also be heavily doxxed.

In other words, they're safer in a car in the world of this movie than they would be in the real world in 2020.

What follows is a boring-as-fuck car chase. That's right, I'm bringing out the curse words for this one. This car chase goes on for a while, and I damn near gave up on the movie somewhere in here. Abobo and his goon just chase them all over the place and make all kinds of weird noises. I reached for the fast-forward...then went no, I'll stick with this, I'LL TOUGH IT OUT. This post brings you the AUTHENTIC Double Dragon viewing experience, dammit!

Our heroes finally have no choice: To escape, they have to go to Plaid.

Abobo eventually catches up, and we get our heroes in fighting stance. We are about 20 minutes into this movie and I thought we were finally going to get something that resembled the games the movie is based on here, a clash with the legendary first boss. Well, nope. Abobo just sorta gives up and leaves without a fight once some random people show up in the alleyway. He wouldn't want to cause a scene!

The random people are apparently a gang, led by the fearsome, five-foot-tall Marian, played by a young Alyssa Milano. She is instantly the most likeable person in this movie.

Billy is all "helloooo ma'am" and Jimmy is all "that's enough outta you, let's go"

We cut to the mean streets of the dystopian Midgarish nightmare's theater district, with minions running by. This looks like a WWF RAW IS WAR intro from 1997, or maybe 2020 Minneapolis.

Their guardian (not The Guardian), who we learn is named Satori (not the book), explains to them that the Dragon medallion was excavated by their archaeologist father before a tomb collapsed on him. She was there that day and both kept the medallion AND took it upon herself to take care of the two kids. No word on what happened to the mom. She also broke the medallion in two and left one half on the other side of the world, while she carries the other half. Billy Lee is instantly interested by the "great power" the medallion has, which she discourages. Yep, they're absolutely playing up Billy as the flawed corruptible brother, and it's throwing me off. Why cast the brothers as the reverse of their game personas?

Elsewhere, Abobo - who looks like a young Christopher Daniels - is tasked with defeating the Lee brothers by Koga. The female minion gets out a whip, and I realize she's supposed to be a reference to Lindas from the games. Will we see Chintai somewhere in here too? (Editor's Note: She's been renamed "Lash" here, and Chintai is a no)

Koga delivers the only good line of the movie so far: "Abobo, I love you like a son. And like a son, I can always get another one."

Then they inject Abobo with some sort of steroid that'll make him 10x as powerful. This...isn't gonna be pretty.

Another superfluous news report tells us that Madonna just left her husband Tom Arnold.

One of my biggest lifelong dreams is to be Madonna's personal love-toy, charged with the task of being at her every sexual beck and call while asking nothing in return, so this was some welcome news.

Get outta here Tom Arnold!

Then Not-Gavin Newsom mentions "Vice President Jerry Brown".

Wow, this is actually a bit nuts:

A movie from 1994 predicted that well-liked former California governor (from 1975-1983) Jerry Brown was going to be VP in 2007. It was very possible. Brown was so active in politics that, after several presidential bids that didn't work out, he managed to become governor of California AGAIN in 2011 and have another successful term. Then his Lt Governor Gavin Newsom (not seen here) inherited the post and within 2 years the entire Bay Area burst into flames. Well, you can't always get winners.

Elsewhere, Marian puts on a wig (for...disguise?) and hangs out with her family, arguing with her dad about politics. She thinks gangs (like the one she secretly leads) are necessary to fight all of the bad guys, while her father thinks they just contribute to the climate of lawlessness and that these things should be left to the police. She makes a fair point that the police have no actual control of New Angeles at this point so vigilantes can only be an improvement.

After that surprisingly-interesting exchange, we cut back to the Lee brothers bickering and acting like a couple of 13 year olds. Seriously, I like both of these actors, and yet there's absolutely nothing to like about these two characters, aside from the fact that they're supposed to be Billy and Jimmy. If you've never played the games, they have zero appeal. Also, how old are their characters supposed to be? Because they're playing this off as if their characters are supposed to be early teenagers, even though both of these actors are like 27.

Koga and his goons show up at their place, looking for the second half of the amulet. Satori and Koga apparently know each other from The Olde Country.

Billy waltzes over, wearing the amulet, and Koga is all "GIVE IT TO ME" while grabbing at him.

Satori tells the Lee brothers to run for it, and...they immediately run for it. Just seems wildly out of character for them to run away rather than stay and help her, or at least find out what's going on.

ABOBO shows up and he's now all roided-out. WTF is this? He was actually kind of interesting earlier in the movie and seemed like a genuine threat, so they had him never fight and then changed him into this joke monster.

This is somehow even worse than how they completely took away all of The Guardian's menace in Highlander: The Source after the first 10 minutes.

After chasing the Lee brothers around a bit, he charges and falls off of some scaffolding, and that's it for Abobo. Seriously, what, why

Satori shows up and she's happy to see the Lee brothers. She then tries to take the amulet from them by force!

The REAL Satori shows up. Turns out the bad one was actually Koga, who has the power to morph. ...He also has the power to melt down into a shadow puddle and move along the floor undetected.

I wonder where they got THESE ideas.

Koga fights Satori again and of course he wins. It isn't much of a fight, more like he just sorta smacks her and she instantly gives up. He then sets a fire in the building that spreads rapidly, and the Lee brothers aren't able to get her out. So that's it for her. Still don't know like, anything about her, so...

They leap away from the huge fireball as the building collapses. Now they're really upset about what happened and want to defeat Koga. They've still got half of the amulet, so he'll come to them.

I...ya know, this movie isn't even "so bad it's good" at this point. I already can't wait to be done with it. This movie is BAD. I don't care any mo'

Needing more minions, Koga shows up at some room full of Future People and gives a speech to get them to join his group.

Koga: "The way the police have treated me is unfair! Making me follow their laws! And I'm just like you! So...the first thing you need to destroy the police! THEY'RE the ones holding you down!"

Crowd: "Yeah! Yeah!"

Huh, this will certainly end well.

Bimmy and Jimmy have a fight at this point. Not a martial arts fight, this movie barely has those. No, they just argue. They're both upset that Satori is gone, and are taking it out on each other. In other news, I just realized that Mark Dacascos here was Zero in John Wick 3. That's awesome.

Gotta say, the backdrops continue to be a strong point of the movie, and make it feel a lot less low-budget.

Unfortunately, they then run right into Koga Shuko's new troops, looking right out of the cannibal army from Highlander: The Source.

What follows is the first part of the whole movie that actually resembles the games, as our heroes fight their way through this army of goons. Not familiar with the other guy, but Mark Dacascos can really fight. He's been in a lot of movies and he's been good in everything I've seen him in. Only The Strong was a great movie he starred in that didn't get much attention. It's sorta like Karate Kid from Mr. Miyagi's perspective, with Problem Teens instead of Daniel. I watch Only The Strong every few years and it STILL holds up.

Our heroes escape in a speedboat. Unfortunately for them, the bad guys have rockets and blast their boat!

Good God! Well, it was a fun movie while it lasted, surprised it ended so abrup-

Nevermind, our heroes land in the water with no damage...and realize the water is highly-toxic sludge that will make their hair fall out. Their scrambling to get out is played for laughs, even though this is a pretty scary situation. The movie already established that the rivers are toxic and kill you. Once again, this movie echoes the real world. The Hudson is totally not safe to go for a swim unless you want to grow a third arm.

We cut back to Channel 69, where TV network talking heads are showing police bodycam footage and lying about it. I didn't realize this movie was a documentary!

Elsewhere, media-personalities (not gonna call them reporters if they aren't) are grilling the police chief about the psychotic mob's assault on the Lee Brothers... by asking the police if they're too hard on these psychotic mobs and if the psychotic mobs mean well. Maybe the problem isn't the psychotic mobs, maybe it's the way the police are handling them? Didn't think about THAT did you Mister Officer??

Koga absolutely flips out on his goons. Why haven't they caught the Lee Brothers yet?? Also, we find out how he got all of this money: Lots and lots of donations from his #KogaMatters foundation. "Just tell the masses that their money is going to helping low-income people and fighting police brutality! They flood you with donations that you can do whatever you want with! I just bought my fourth house!"

The Goons: "Whatever you say, sir."

Back at "Resistance HQ" or whatever, Marian is torturing Abobo by feeding him spinach. At this point I could have just done entirely without Abobo's involvement in this movie. He never fights, they turn him into a joke, and every scene he's in is unpleasant.

Also, nice how the "Resistance" are all attractive people while Koga's troops are mostly unattractive mutants. Totally the way the real world works.

The Lees arrive at some slum that may or may not be Resistance HQ. There's a sign that says "please use other door" and Billy is like "we should probably do that". Then Jimmy is like "no, it's a trap, it's what they want us to do". So they use this door...and immediately fall into a pit!

They land in Resistance HQ, where Marian introduces them to, like, rad to the max skateboarding kids and arcade machines or whatever.

She wants to see the medallion in action, so the Lee Brothers try to activate it. Nothing happens, so they decide to both rub it at the same time.

Marian looks on creepily during all of this rubbing. "Oh Yeah. Rub that amulet!"

"Nothing's happening!"

"Let me rub it?"

"No!" "Just keep talking!"

Elsewhere, we see a Future Phone Booth! Why does it say Oxy above it? Is this a Vicodin dispenser?

::holds earpiece:: Oh, that's an OXYGEN booth, not a phone booth. The people of New Angeles have such bad air that they have to huff oxygen at booths and get charged for it. Somewhere in China, a corporation just got an incredible idea.

We get a look at Shuko Tower, which has a helicopter pad at the top like Shinra Tower. It looks like he's carrying a giant Oscar statue up there.

Nearby, our heroes are sneaking into Shuko Tower via the pipe system. The Lee Brothers are completely transfixed by...

...Marian's bum. Ooookay.

They climb through a vent in Shuko Tower to spy on Koga and his minions having a meeting.

Wait a minute...spying through a advanced tower in the middle of a evil leader who sits at a giant half-circle desk...

So THIS is another thing FFVII's creators drew inspiration from? I suspect they got a ton of stuff from Total Recall, but I gotta say, it would be a surprise if THIS movie of all things also added some inspiration to FFVII.

The police chief (who is also Marian's Dad) is trying to negotiate with Koga to get peace. Unfortunately for the police, Koga doesn't negotiate with terrorists, and Google says NAPD are terrorists.

Our heroes then fall through the ceiling! Oops.

Lash goes COMPLETELY BONKERS and attacks with a kwondo.

She ends up fighting Marian's Dad, who defeats her by...knocking a bookcase over onto her.

The good guys drop down an elevator shaft to the basement, which is more like a morgue. Here, Shuka Corp experiments on people to make them into super soldiers like Abob..... wait a minute. Seriously? They've even got a Hojo's Lab here?

Robert Patrick slides on in with his melty powers, and the good guys discover that when he's in a shadowy state they can actually defeat him by turning on a giant fan that blows all of his particles away.

Unfortunately for them, he re-forms and proceeds to start inhabiting the various bodies of these experimental super-soldiers. His ability to take control of other people's bodies (one at a time) has been very under-utilized so far. The end result of this brawl is that he captures Jimmy, while the others get away.

Meanwhile, the police form a wall around various government buildings to protect them from Koga's followers. Said followers are SUPER upset about this, because they should have the right to burn down government buildings if they want!

"Next on Channel 69! Brick, or Molotov Cocktail: Which is better for protesting? Channel 69 investigates after these messages."

The Chief implores his fellow cops to stand with him and march to take the city back from Koga, and they're all like "naw, man, this is too much" and quit instead. Well, we'll see if they change their tunes by the end. The movie has taken on a completely different, dark tone in the last act.

Elsewhere, Koga speaks to Jimmy Lee...and tells him that it was HE who killed his father. Turns out Papa Lee is the one who found the medallion, and wanted to put it in a museum instead of using its power. Jimmy is pissed enough about Satori being killed when Koga burned down their house, why taunt him more?

Koga: "Your father didn't know what great deeds we could accomplish with it!"

Jimmy: "Great deeds? Like burning down our home?"

Silly Jimmy Lee. 2020 taught me that it's okay to burn people's homes down as long as you have a really good reason for it, or are at least really really upset.

Koga explains that he had no choice, he had to get Jimmy's father out of the way.

Judging from that look, if I were Koga, I'd start preparing to die.

Meanwhile, on Channel 69... the police station is on fire!

People are pillaging the evidence room for drugs and guns! I seriously had no idea I was signing up to watch a Minneapolis documentary when I sat down to watch this movie.

The movie is getting it all wrong, too. This isn't realistic at all, because the news network is actually talking about the violence instead of sweeping 90% of it under the rug.

You and me both, dog.

Here's like, the one scene I ever saw from this movie in the past, in various "bad movie adaptations of games" lists and stuff. Marian is talking to Billy Lee, who she has like no chemistry with, about how they have to rescue Jimmy from Shuko Tower.

Alyssa Milano is playing this character really weird. She breaks out into spontaneous cackling at unusual times that don't make a lot of sense. "That medallion protected you. We just have to figure out a way to make it work HAHAHA."

The fuck?

Billy: "I don't know why it won't work."

Marian: "Have you tried talking to it?"

The fact that the medallion is offscreen during most of this scene and they're both looking at his junk while saying some of these lines is pretty comedic.

Billy: "Nothing I do is working!"

Maybe if Marian plays with it, something will happen? I mean, it seems worth a try. LET MARIAN PLAY WITH IT.

They're about to make out and the old "makeout interruptus" cliche happens where they're stopped by a loud noise. I hate this cliche.

The noise turns out to be Koga's followers storming the Resistance base!

"KOGA MATTERS!" they yell while destroying everything! Whoa! I did NOT see that coming!

"DEFUND NOW!" They screech as they break a wall and sewage pours into the base. Great. Now where are hip young skateboarders going to arcade?

Oddly-Dressed Goon: "Put your arm up, bigot! Silence is violence!"

Billy: "Dude you're being actual-violent right now!"

Channel 102 Guy: "This just in! Shocking footage of Billy Lee assaulting peaceful protesters. Unsure why they were out protesting with torches and weapons at 2 in the morning."

Vanna: "Unbelievable! And some people think HE'S the good guy for fighting back! Those anarchists didn't do anything wrong! They're just gathered to affirm the dignity of Koga! Fix your damn headlines!"

Channel 102 Guy: ::checks notes:: "Also, they may not actually exist! Some say Shuko's minions are just an idea!"

Billy is nearly beaten down by the gang of assailants, until he manages to punt a mailman in the groin!

Channel 69 Guy: "This just in! We cut away from the raging fires of the New Angeles police reckoning - so courageous - to bring you something TRULY disturbing! Billy Lee, local man who sources say may have ties to extremism, on video kicking an innocent protester in the groin!"

Weatherman Andy Dick: "I hope they fry that bastard!"

"Well wait, hold on! After using my critical thinking skills a small amount... Isn't he just defending himself? And did they HAVE to burn down several police stations and churches? Haven't the pro-Koga people gone a little too far?"

"Sounds to me like YOU need a visit from HR. As we all know, Koga has been endorsed by every multinational corporation, as well as many Hollywood celebrities and sports-ball players. If you're trying to argue against THAT with ethics, well, it sounds to me like YOU'RE the problem."

Goon: "We're gonna smash the system, man! With help from our sponsors at Nike and Monsanto!"

Guy: "plz, let me go, I'm just trying to clean up! You spray-painted KOGA everywhere!"

Goon: "Look at this JERK who wants to clean up grafitti!"

Goon 2: "He doesn't think Koga matters? He must hate Japanese people." 

Goon: "Take this, nazi! POW!"

Mr. Mime: "KO-GA MAT-TERS!"

Jimmy arrives and takes out the goons with a split-kick, saving Billy!

"Why does he resist? Does he not care about Koga's life? We must knock down the four olds! Tear down this statue of Abraham Lincoln! DESTROY THE COCKROACHES."

Jimmy: "I've learned something today, Billy Lee. We need to abolish police and empty the prisons."

Wait a minute! That's not Jimmy!

Indeed, Koga has inhabited Jimmy's body, which gets us to the Lee Vs. Lee showdown that the movie really needed to do. ...wait a minute, is he standing in front of a Double Dragon arcade machine? Yes, yes he is.

Jimmy proceeds to blast the arcade machine! Then they dance around each other without actually fighting. It's mostly Billy running away.

Billy tosses his half of the medallion away like a moron since it isn't doing anything and he's frustrated, only to have it activate. So...the key to unlocking its power is to not want it? Like when you're interested in someone and they aren't interested back, so you go out with someone else and suddenly the first person is now interested and plants a kiss on you after your birthday party? Yeah, exactly like both of those.


Now that Billy has the power of the medallion, we're in for a heck of a fight! ...except Jimmy/Koga immediately gives up. He's like "well, no point in fighting now, you're too powerful for me". We're seriously not going to get a Billy/Jimmy fight in this movie? Wow. We've gotten absolute dick for fights in this movie, outside of all of the random jobber goons.

Koga leaves Jimmy's body and he's now back to normal. I like how the entire crowd of both Koga Followers and Marian's Ragtag Resistance all just stopped fighting each other to watch this family drama.

Koga T-1000's his way over to the medallion, which Billy dropped, and claims it. Oh No. Anyway.

Koga with the combined medallion: "THISH....ISHHHHH...THE QUICKENING!"

Turns out the superpower of combining the two the ability to split in two. Koga then splits into these two ninjas. I'm sorry, THIS is it? The great world-ending power of combining the amulet? The only time I can ever see this ability being useful or even fun is if my girlfriend has it. 

Marian turns on the lights, which causes the two robed guys to recoil and re-form back into Koga. So this big super-ability is weak to someone turning lights on?

I kinda like this, though. Much like a great big pile of lies, shining some light on him took away all his power.

Have we tried pointing the lights at Channel 69?

The brothers get ahold of the amulet halves, and combine them.

Koga seems only mildly bothered by this. He's like "Oh. No. Anything but that."

Instead of turning into robed monks, they gain the power of...really cool martial arts attire. Also they get a visit from the Force Ghost of Satori.

Weird moment here where Jimmy says "I ain't wearing blue" and Billy goes "what's wrong with blue?" and Jimmy rolls his eyes.

Is Jimmy a republican? Or are they setting something up here, like Jimmy maybe already letting The Power go to his head a bit, which sets the stage for a sequel where Jimmy lets the amulet corrupt him and Billy must stop him?, there was no sequel, so he probably just hates democrats. And that "Blue" song by Eiffel 65. He burned the cover art of Saga Frontier! Blue can kiss his ass!

And on that note, the brothers team up to hit Koga with a SUPERKICK PARTY.

Then Marian's Dad shows up to inform Koga that the party's over and he's going to face consequences. Since this takes place in a year besides 2020, the crowd of onlookers didn't immediately start filming this basic interaction on their phones while screaming at Marian's Dad to leave Koga alone and throwing rocks at him.

Jimmy uses the amulet to inhabit Koga's body, then says "You know what the police need? MORE FUNDING!"

(Editor's Note: This really happened in the movie.)

Marian's Dad is skeptical, while Billy and Marian are all ::snicker snicker::

"Koga" then cuts a $100 million check for the police department, straight out of his corporation's bank account.

"Is Koga cutting a check for the police department?"

"We KNEW he was no good!"

"Sources say that funding the police drastically increases the amount of people being murdered by the police!"

Weatherman Andy Dick: "Well, hold on, statistically it's actually the other way around! Increased funding for police means better training and a higher quality of recruits, drastically reducing the rates of police brutality incidents, which were already at an all-time low circa 2019. It also gets you faster response times, which saves a ton of lives.

On the flipside, some cities, like Minneapolis, New York City, and Chicago, have seen 400% to 600% increases in their murder rates after defunding the police! In some places it's over a thousand percent!"

"Pay no mind to the weatherman! Your eyes and brain are lying to you."

As they haul Koga out, all of the police that wouldn't follow Marian's Dad into battle earlier show up ready for action while inspiring music plays and he nods at them.

This would be more impactful if they didn't show up WAY AFTER ALL OF THE FIGHTING WAS OVER.

"Just wait! Soon, I WILL BE THE POLICE!"


Marian sorta flirts with Jimmy while Billy isn't looking. Wait, I thought she liked Billy? She likes Jimmy too?

Marian: "Yeah, I'm polyamorous! Deal with it!"

My God, this means...

Marian: "That's right, boys, I want you both! I hope that you think that's cool!"

They hop into their car to speed off to Marian's place for some drinks and bonin', only to realize that... ABOBO IS DRIVING??


Elsewhere, Koga's goons are out of work now that the "movement" is over. They literally say "since the riots are over, what are we gonna do with our time now?"

I don't know, maybe they could actually follow COVID protocols and riot inside / burn their own homes.

Happy 4th of July to all the normal peaceful people who spent it minding their own business.


  1. The Marvel comic (Yes, there was one) swapped Billy and Jimmy's personalities too, so this movie definitely isn't the only usage of that idea.

    Said comic also included Stan Lee as their father, because why not?

    1. That sounds absolutely nuts. I feel like no one who got ahold of this IP later on knew what to do with it. The games (and this movie) tended to have wildly different tones.

  2. This post was a riot! No pun intended.

    Thanks for watching this movie for us.

  3. Oh, and I forgot to mention before: If you want to see a good Double Dragon movie, just watch Double Impact and pretend it is one.