Pokemon: Generation I (Finale - Elite Four)

It's time to defeat the Elite Four and become Pokemon League champion! Just as soon as my prized Takeapi evolves into Takeapu.

Before I can trek through Victory Road, I must once again battle Rollins.

His Vaporeon now out-levels Pikachu by double-digits. They're both weak against each other, so it really comes down to who gets the first attack. Unfortunately, I don't.

I win the fight regardless, but Rollins acts like he won and prances off.

With Rollins defeated, the only thing that stands between me and the Elite Four...is Spearow. If I can somehow overcome this epic challenge, I MIGHT just have a chance at winning the whole shebang.

Victory Road has a security system in place to keep the Irish out. Get through the various badge-unlocked gates, and it's onward to...

...the Victory Road Cave, another multi-level cavern with boulder puzzles. At the end of this area is the third legendary bird...

...Moltres. This phoenix-like beast is formidable in combat and just as difficult to catch as the other two.

Victory is a matter of freezing him with Ice Beam without defeating him. Took a few resets.

That isn't Moltres turning the sky red. It's the Dis-Miracle of Three, wherein Toad descends from a rain of teeth to begin the Sowing of the Harvest.

Finally, I arrive at the domain of the Elite Four. Outside are statues of Kadabra, Charmander, and four other completely distinct Pokemon.

Here's my final party for the Elite Four. I chose to bring Blastoise over Venusaur, Charizard, or Primeape. Poor Charizard must now bellow the advantages of his big teeth and sharp claws from the Pokecenter.

In retrospect, it was a mistake to bring Moltres, and I wish I'd brought Charizard in that spot.

The Elite Four, of course, are the big bosses of the game. They all have formidable Pokemon lineups, and I'm underleveled. Luckily, I'm prepared. Bring the right elemental Pokemen and this can turn into a one-shot fest as you nail weaknesses.

Also, bring lots of heals, because once you start fighting these bosses...you can't leave.

Lorelei is a red-haired librarian, taking time out of scolding loud kids to kneel uncomfortably in a skirt. It's almost like the game is trying to make her hot even though she's a fully-grown adult. In Japan game years, she isn't long for this world.

Okay, seriously, what the hell is this Pokemon supposed to be and why can't it get a taxi?

Also, minus points to Moltres for rocking the Donald Trump hairdo.

I finish her off (hee hee) and it's onward to...

...the martial arts enthusiast known as Bruno. He lurks in a dojo filled with rocks. Gee, I wonder what types of Pokemon he'll attack with?

Are his hands cuffed? It looks like he just got out of jail. That or Lorelei is way kinkier than anyone expects.

He mainly uses fighting-type Pokemen, but he also wields an Onix. This one is slightly more powerful than the first boss of the game. The good news is that I can one-shot the majority of his team. Kadabra is still OP as hell.

Moving on quickly, it's Agatha. She uses Ghost Pokemon, and her name is perfect for a spooky trainer.

I notice that these bosses are still only attacking with fewer than six Pokemon. This puts every opponent at a disadvantage against me to begin with. Why not go the full monty and bring out six Pokemon? IT WAS THE KEY TO VICTORY ALL ALONG!

Gengar is one of my favorite Pokemon. He's brimming with personality, and probably the most dangerous Ghost-type in this game. Pikachu, Zapdos, and Kadabra can all make short work of any of Agatha's disciples, regardless.

...with one catch. Her Pokemon make heavy use of status effects, and this quickly becomes a mega-PITA as my Pokemon get repeatedly stunlocked. Soon as I can get ONE shot off this is OVER

Get past that annoying fight and it's onward to the Vegeta of Pokemon...

...Lance. The final member of the Elite Four is a real badass, using nothing but the rare Dragon-type Pokemon. He's actually the Pokemon Champion in Generation II, as opposed to being the runner-up like he is here.

Articuno again decimates here, as Lance runs the gamut of Dragon Pokemon from the serpent seen here to...

...actual dragons. Unfortunately for them... WINTER IS HERE.

I don't know why Lance is talking to Articuno. He's a smart bird, but he has no idea what Lance's strange warbles mean.

What? ROLLINS. That scoundrel!

Indeed, Rollins got here first and beat the Elite Four to win the title. Ambrose happens to be holding a Money in the Bank briefcase, so Rollins' reign is going to be all of five minutes long.

Rollins may want to fight, but all I want is a spirited contest of will and technique!

Exeggutor is what Ambrose sees in his mind's eye when he pops that bootleg "tylenol" he got from Mexico City. Coo coo cachoooo!

Rollins breaks out Ninetales. Despite being a beautiful fox, it falls quickly to Blastoise's aquatic death beam.

The final battle is against Vaporeon. I could have tried to take this thing down quickly with Pikachu or Zapdos, but instead I trotted Moltres out. He didn't get much use in the battles before this, and I felt like bringing him would have been a waste at this point if I didn't do SOMETHING with him.

The problem is, he only has one fire attack, and it's an extremely weak stunlocking move. He's weak to Vaporeon, but it doesn't matter with that super-cheap move. He used that about 15 times to slowly whittle down Vaporeon in what was the lamest Poke-fight of the game. Moltres...isn't any good. Give him some fire-based TMs and he might reach the usefulness that the other two legendaries start at. YMMV.

Moments before Moltres is set to launch his four to six more fire attacks to get the win, Articuno swoops in and BLASTS Vaporeon straight to the next world. Moltres isn't happy about having his pin stolen, but he isn't going to do anything about it. Out here in the mean streets, Articuno is the big dog.

Know what's really weird? I can't tell what direction Rollins is supposed to be facing with his body. Is he looking over his shoulder at us, or is his body facing forward? Either his head twists all he way around, or he's sporting a frontbutt.

Professor Oak shows up to count the pin on Rollins, who is in disbelief at the incredible shortness of his title reign.

For winning, Ambrose gets a new computer! Now he can finally learn what e-mail is!

Pikachu goes into the Hall of Fame and never wrestles again, except for when he showed up in TNA for a while.

Ambrose didn't catch 'em all...or even that many. I've caught 'em all before, long ago. This time I was just getting through the game. The time is also very deceptive. I used fast forward quite a bit (via...magic) so my actual time spent playing this in the real world was in the 10-13 hour range. Adjusted for fast-forwarding, it probably took around 20 hours normal speed to beat the game.

It's the end, but there's still one bit of postgame content to do.

A cave outside Cerulean City was closed for the entire game, but now it's open for business. There's a nun joke here that I'm not going anywhere near.

Blastoise continues to be necessary to progress, as this dungeon contains a lot of surfing sections.

It's a confusing maze, basically the same archetype as the Seafoam Islands cave dungeon and the Victory Road cave dungeon.

At the end lurks the strongest of all Pokemon...at least in Generation 1. It's Mewtwo, Son of Mew.

El Hijo Del Mew is an extremely dangerous opponent who makes the three legendary birds look like easy captures in comparison. Luckily for me, I brought...

...the no-fail Master Ball. It was tough to restrain myself from using it to capture Zapdos, who for some reason gave me by far the most trouble of the three in terms of capturing. Glad I did, because it made Mewtwo a snap to capture.

Mewtwo is a "genetic" Pokemon. He was created in a laboratory. Nothing about this isn't creepy.

He starts at a lofty level SEVENTY, with 10 shots of Psychic to insta-beat pretty much anything. Barrier and Recover are strong defensive moves, while Swift is an odd attack. Can't tell if it's physical or psychic element. He could use more charges on his attacks, but other than that Mewtwo is the most formidable Pokemon in the entire game. Too bad you can't get him until after the game is beaten. I could have used his help to defeat the Elite Four.

All that's left for him to help with now is the insurmountable challenge that is...

...Wild Jigglypuff. In the world of Pokemon, these guys are used to augment women's breasts.

This is it! The final battle! OUR FINEST HOUR IS UPON US! GO, MEWTWO!

Mewtwo proceeds to blast Jigglypuff with such force that all of the other Jigglypuffs also go extinct.

WE DID IT! WE DID IT!

::cut to footage of Pikachu an Mewtwo hugging it out while Ambrose gets lifted into the air by the other trainers and confetti falls from the sky::

The battle is just beginning. I've got two more generations of Pokemon to cover, and hopefully they'll go at a much brisker pace than Gen 1 did. Stay tuned.

Summer of Pokemon