Hotness will ensue as I cover the episode with the sexiest visuals in the entire series. #ThankYouNiaPeeples
"IT'S BEEN A LOOONG ROAD!"
Wait, wrong show. And Thank God for that.
You know an episode is going to be hot when even the name sounds hot.
Duncan is minding his own business when a delivery truck drives by and he senses an immortal inside of it. This guy has even fewer dull moments than I do! When does he sleep?
Duncan follows the delivery truck to some kind of museum warehouse, where he beats up dudes with guns. Why do the deliverymen have guns? And what business does Duncan have beating them up to try and steal their cargo? WHY, DUNCAN?
After defeating all of the goons, a loot chest appears. What's inside, and is it hot?
The Zelda treasure chest jingle plays as Duncan finds a sarcophagus and opens it.
The Zelda item-get jingle plays as Duncan finds a mummified woman and holds her above his head.
This is Nefertiri, who has been asleep for 2500 years. She gets up and walks off. Schwing.
Duncan has seen hundreds of naked women, so he's unimpressed. The rest of us can be impressed, though.
Basically, the story here is that she "died" back in ancient Egypt. They mummifed her and buried her, not realizing she'd revive. Due to lack of oxygen, she essentially went catatonic for the past 2500 years. Shouldn't she be all atrophied? I guess that doesn't happen to immortals. She's basically a brand new immortal who finds herself in an entirely different time.
This reminds me of the big storyline they had planned for Methos and never actually utilized in the show. Methos' big archenemy was going to be Pharaoh Djer, an immortal as old as Methos. After defeating Methos in battle, Methos survived via chicanery (read: cheating) and imprisoned Djer in a sarcophagus. While Nefertiri here was asleep the entire time due to lack of oxygen, Djer was able to breathe. He couldn't escape from his tomb, nor could he die/go catatonic, so he just struggled in his sarcophagus for thousands of years. By the time he got freed in the modern age, he went on an insane rampage looking for Methos. I really wish we had gotten to see that story play out, and that the showrunners had given Peter Wingfield the nod as main character once Adrian Paul was done.
What follows is comedy gold, as Duncan introduces Nefertiri to modern life. She doesn't get cars AT ALL, and it's zany.
But wait! A shadowy figure lurks. It's probably just Joe Dawson. He's always looking on creepily from somewhere.
That or... Richie has returned.
The world's grossest threesome takes the stage as Maurice appears to annoy the hell out of Nefertiri. This guy is like the Santino of Highlander, except with no redeeming qualities. At least he can cook.
Maurice bangs on the door to the barge after Duncan disappears inside with his friend the mysterious Egyptian sex-kitten.
Maurice then peers through the windows of the barge. I don't know how anyone can be this annoying and not self-aware.
Behold. Creepy Maurice. He's all "wooo" because Nefertiri is in there undressing. She pretty much just constantly undresses.
Now she's roaming around Duncan's pad in fetching nightwear.
The hell! How many windows are there on this damn barge?
Duncan tells her about the magical answering machine and the computer and stuff. And this is meager 1994 technology, so Duncan himself would be just as astonished as her if he suddenly appeared in 2014.
They go out clothes shopping. When she finds a good outfit, she's all "undress me!" to the shopkeepers. Hilarity ensues.
She gets dressed up in a sexy new ensemble. Duncan seems to like having this new pet human, someone to spend his infinite amount of money on while teaching them about modern life.
However, there are early signs of issues, as she smacks a cop on the arm for no reason. That could have gone badly.
Meanwhile, we see... THE VILLAINS, as they scheme. The guy on the right is a renegade Watcher, while the guy on the left is Constantine. He's one of the oldest immortals in the show (at 3000 or so) and also said to be one of the most formidable. He's from the same era as Grayson and Darius.
They walk as they discuss things. No big whoop, just some good Paris scenery. Even the parking lots there are mystical. I have to give this show props for shooting outdoors so often.
Our heroes go to the museum, as the greatest non-date ever continues.
Nefertiri is particularly interested in the Egyptian exhibit. What a great episode. I just wish it were a two or more parter because they could have done so much with this... but as usual, the whole storyline is condensed to fit one episode.
We get a flashback to ancient Egypt, where Nefertiri was Cleopatra's handmaiden. This is one of those very rare chances we get to have a flashback to a time before Duncan's relatively-short 500 year life. One of the reasons a Methos show was such a missed opportunity is because they'd be able to tap into ancient times for flashbacks.
Cleopatra is quite dericious. I'll be in my bunk.
And we're back, as Nef storms out because people in the museum aren't bowing before her or something. She's like a 14 year old rich white girl.
Constantine finds them and Nefertiri flees, thinking he's after her head. He doesn't give chase, and seems to want to discuss matters with Duncan. This is a curious situation.
Duncan looks for her, which is mainly an excuse for lots of shots of Paris.
Meanwhile, Nefertiri runs into the plight of attractive women in the modern world, as shady men harass her everywhere she goes.
Next thing we know, the guy from Machete mugs her. I wouldn't do that if I were you, dude
Indeed, she easily disarms him and leaves him laying. Turns out she wasn't just a handmaiden, she was also Cleopatra's bodyguard and isn't afraid of a pocket knife.
Our hero finds Nefertiri standing near a stone obelisk. She's so hot that when she got there the obelisk was an arch.
Romance ensues, as Nefertiri decides she wishes to be plowed and Duncan refuses because he won't take advantage of someone in her place.
Actually, he refuses because she wants him to protect her from Constantine, and it seems like she's trying to bribe him with sex. Which isn't necessary, and creates more red flags for him.
That lovable French gnome Maurice comes over to fix dinner. The shocking thing is that he's still taller than the succulent she-midget.
Him: "Here, try my cooking"
Her: "I will put nothing of yours in my mouth"
Him: "Oh? Have you tried dating an older man?"
Her: "I've never met one"
Duncan confronts Constantine, asking what his beef with Nefertiri is. Normally we might expect a battle, but these two have heard of each other before and neither is in any rush to collide with the other.
Meanwhile, the minx stands around, clearly scheming. I hope she didn't murder Maurice.
Back at the evil lair, Constantine explains his feelings to Duncan...via flashback.
Several thousand years ago, Constantine led the Roman army in the storming of Egypt. He fell in love with Cleopatra's handmaiden Nefertiri (seen here arching her back) somewhere during all of that, and she wanted him to lead his own army in the storming of her nether-regions.
Yes, indeed, they were lovers, despite their countries being in conflict. She wanted him to back off and end the conflict, while he wanted her side to go peacefully.
She then rides him like a horse. I'll be in my bunk.
They roll around and fall on the floor and stuff. IT'S TOO MUCH TO BEAR.
Nefertiri battles Romans with a sword while being completely gorgeous.
That outfit looks like something out of a Madonna concert. Or as she is now known, MDNA. Which has nothing to do with the drug MDMA, according to her. Nope, nothing at all. She knows nothing!
She challenges Constantine, but he refuses to fight her. You see, he went ahead with the attack, Egypt fell, and Cleopatra killed herself. Nefertiri then wanted nothing besides Constantine's head. ...and not in the fun way.
In the present, she tells Duncan the same story, from her point of view. Now Duncan has the scoop, and he knows he needs to make peace between these two before her quest for vengeance gets out of hand. For his part, Constantine just wants to apologize.
She then starts mauling Duncan with her lips, and this time he goes along with it.
Of course, she's on top, as usual. I'm not sure if she knows any other positions. She's a take-charge kind of lady. This is like the opposite of any Game of Thrones sex scene.
Everyone's happy and asleep. Hope he sleeps lightly. I'd avoid sleeping with other immortals if I were him, just in general. Especially if I don't know them that well.
Duncan meets with Constantine again. Darius comes up this time, and we learn that Constantine and Darius were actually pretty well acquainted back when they were sacking the known world.
Nefertiri shows up, and they didn't sense her. A rare error in a series with few errors (well, besides Maurice).
Duncan brings Nefertiri to have dinner with Constantine and his wife, where they can squash old beefs while enjoying butternut squash and marinated ground beef with a zesty Mediterranean salad.
Emperor Gestahl: "Please, talk to as many of my soldiers as you can. Make them understand!"
Nefertiri talks to Constantine's wife, alone, in the kitchen. Is this really a good idea? Seriously? Do either of those guys think it's okay to let this happen unsupervised?
Nefertiri proceeds to stab her, robbing Constantine of his love much the way she was robbed of hers when he invaded Egypt and Cleopatra died. So...she was Cleopatra's lover, then? I'll be in my bunk.
Thing is, for Constantine, that was quite literally ancient history. For Nefertiri, it's like it JUST HAPPENED LAST WEEK. They gave her way too much credit in thinking she could just Rise Above Hate and be coo about everything.
She admires her handiwork for a moment, then...
...confidently strides out of the kitchen with a bloody knife in her hand. This is so incredibly hot for some reason.
Constantine finds his wife, and he's without words. Duncan, who brought her here in the first place, is similarly crushed. Nefertiri just lost any good will with either of them, but since they're good guys, they're not going to kill her in retaliation. They simply want nothing to do with her.
Duncan tells her to GET OUT.
Duncan meets with Constantine at his wife's grave. These Paris backdrops are amazing.
Malice in Wonderland shows up, and she wants to fight. Seriously? She's lucky they're letting her go in the first place, yet she's seeking them out as if they did something wrong? She really will stop at nothing to get at Constantine. In a way, her dedication to vengeance is almost admirable.
Duncan blocks her attack on Constantine as the Roman just stands there unfazed.
What follows is a battle that is only difficult for Duncan because he doesn't want to fight. Would have liked to see Constantine fight his own battle, but he wouldn't so Duncan had to do it for him. A similar thing happens in one Season 5 episode where Duncan refuses to fight a guy he wronged in the past, so Methos steps in and fights for him.
The battle spills over into a weird statue room as Nefertiri becomes increasingly unhinged.
Visually, this is one of the most beautiful fights in the series. Neferiri is a whirlwind of feminine destruction.
Duncan begs her to let go of her hate and walk away, but she refuses.
She then IMPALES HIM. This is the closest we've seen him come to dying in a while. He rolls along the ground and... does something. We don't see what, because the episode cuts away from the battle at that point and we only see the aftermath. Second episode in a row that did that. I guess him killing a woman was a no-no on cable TV. Doesn't explain the previous episode though.
What follows is the smallest quickening in the entire show. I guess she had very little power to take, since she was so new as an immortal and hadn't yet taken any quickenings of her own.
A sad moment follows for Duncan, as he sits there exhausted.
...I wonder if female immortals can have multiple quickenings in a row.
Duncan and Constantine are friends now. They've both taken a dip in the magical Egyptian lady-sauce, and that means a bond that's unbreakable.
He could be on Duncan's level for all we know, and thus Constantine has more heat than any other good immortal in this series who isn't recurring. Since he survived for 2500 years and the only other guys to do that are Grayson and the Four Horsemen, we KNOW he's a total badass. Unfortunately, he doesn't really get to do anything with it. Would have liked to see him return a few times. As it is, he only returns once, and it's somewhat of a waste when it happens.
As for Nefertiri... It's too bad that she went malignant so quickly, because she would have been an interesting girlfriend for Duncan had she stuck around for a while. Amanda would have returned and wanted in on the whole deal, leading to a sexy three-way. And this is why I don't write Highlander. I'm very sorry about my brain.