Monday, May 7, 2012

Paladin's Quest, Part 3: Sure Shot

Previously on Paladin's Quest...

...Chezni drank purple bird wings. It was pretty bad. Animal Control got called, and our hero ended up getting tased.

Before continuing, check out previous entries in this series at:

This sounds like Lord of the Rings or some shit! In any case, Gorf joins the party here. He's no Smash, but he's moderately tough.

Our heroes arrive at the giant pink flower city seen in the intro. This is, basically, the capitol of Naskout (the northern hemisphere).

It's freshly squeezed!


It's raining heavily in this town. Normally, that's a pretty cool thing to see in a game. Not here, though. The rain is accompanied by an obnoxiously loud, constant noise that sounds nothing like rain.

The people of Jurayn are pretty whiny. If I were you, I'd worry more about the imminent threat of destruction from Saskout.

In this town, our heroes recruit Street Fighter refugee Dan. He gives you a big hint right off the bat: you're best off using his foot to attack, since his kicks do mad damage. ...well, semi-mad, for this point in the game. I guess.

 Behold the magnificent pink flower of peace!

The next "dungeon" is the Tower of Jurayn. It's short and simple.

The first boss makes a reappearance here... he's very simple to beat at this point, and falls quickly.

The World Map... is a little off the beaten path here. Weird that such a major item would be so understated. More on this later...

Third boss fight! These are a couple of assassins, and apparently they were sent here to destroy the giant pink flower. "Enough of this hippie shit" said Zaygos when reached for comment as he sipped the blood of his foes.

This one of the harder fights in the game. The fact that there are two of them to contend with means this fight can go south very quickly, and either one of them alone is far stronger than the first two bosses.

The key to victory? That Freeze spell I mentioned earlier. It works on these guys, and if you're lucky it'll slow their vicious onslaught to manageable levels.

After several tries, I barely eke out a win. This is the first time Paladin's Quest shows its often-steep difficulty level.

After the battle, the increasingly-useless Gorf leaves the party. Who will step up to save our now mole-less heroes?

...this guy. He's about as strong as Dan, which is to say not too strong. For now it's something, though.

I'm amazed at the way the beasts of nature can co-exist in this world. Forget survival of the fittest: gold lizards, carnivorous flowers, and phallic ducks are all united in their hatred of Chezni and company.

Old sages are usually good for imparting wisdom in these games, or at least telling the player what to do.

This game is no exception, as this old man and/or woman explains that Chezni must find the legendary equipment of Kormu, the hero of olde.

Next stop? A boardwalk town. This game has a lot of area variety, eh? A little while ago our heroes were in an underground town full of lava.

There isn't a whole lot to do in this town except strut about. It's pretty cool to look at, I guess.


The next dungeon is an odd-looking series of corridors. Our heroes don't know it yet, but this here is Dragon Rectum.

...and eventually they reach the mouth. What, you thought I was kidding?

This dragon has been laying here for 10,000 years, pinned down by the mighty sword of Kormu. If the legendary hero had a reason to pin the dragon down, maybe setting it loose would be a bad idea? Just a thought.

Nonetheless, Chezni plucks the sword. Now he's playing with power!

Luckily for the good guys, this is a friendly dragon... as it turns out. Well, that was relying on fate a bit much, but hey... the plot of this game isn't exactly Mass Effect.

"ATREYUUUUUUU!" says the dragon as it gives our heroes a ride across the ocean.

Leaving the northern continent, Chezni and co arrive on the southern continent for the first time. While the north continent is vibrant and colorful, the southern continent is a dismal wasteland. This is where they'll find the next item of Kormu, but it won't be easy.

The dragon takes off, leaving behind this puddle. Whatever that is, it has potent restorative properties. Bathe in it, kids!

I take some time to level-build here and DEAR GOD IT'S A T-REX! RUN!!!

But yeah, this is one of the best levelling spots... definitely the best one up to this point. The puddle is like a free inn that never runs out. There are only a couple of these in the entire game.

Before... well, not quite Before, they were all like level 19 when I started levelling here...

...and after. Didn't take long, either. This is a pretty crucial spot at this point in the game, as this is when the random battles stop messing around. In other news, as a kid I absolutely hated level-building. Now? It's pretty relaxing.

Here's the world map. I mentioned getting it earlier. Saskout is a lot more open than the mountain-filled, plot-driven Naskout, and you're free to explore for the most part.

Saskout is also BRIMMING with racists. The best part is that they look just like Naskout people, only with different clothes.

Alright, so the towns of Saskout aren't exactly welcoming...

Yep, lots of racism. Is Naskout People Smell anything like Old People Smell?

Our heroes drop Zuran off at this point, with stronger mercenaries available. Dan gets to stay a little longer, due to his Street Fighter cred.

The funny thing is, this guy isn't even the most weird-ass character in the game.

Next stop: a seaside shrine.

After a fairly lengthy dungeon, our heroes arrive only to face a new nightmare... wrestling sensation "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner? Aw shit!

No, it's just... Guardian.

"I'm The Guardian!"

He's more powerful than either of the two Renegades from earlier... but probably not as difficult as the two of them combined. Couple this with the fact that our heroes are all considerably more powerful than they were an hour or two ago, and this fight is a joke.

The Kormu Helmet is obtained. That's two down, and only the armor remains. What's next? Tune in for the next episode of Paladin's Quest.

Check out the rest of this series at:


  1. That boardwalk place reminds me of the redneck town in Lunar.

    Level building can be pretty relaxing, it's true.

  2. The game has a unique and good look. It's too bad no one else went in this direction artisticaly afterward.

    1. Even the sequel is significantly less colorful.