Monday, May 14, 2012

Paladin's Quest, Part 4: Everything is Purple

The journey continues, as Saskout Mime Troop 13 begins their quest to fit in. See how they mime!

For previous episodes of Paladin's Quest, check out:

For the third and final item of Kormu, our heroes must take the obvious-all-this-time-but-inaccessible-until-we-dressed-like-mimes rope network that bridges the two continents.

Crossing the ocean! Aw yeah!

And here is our destination: The Throne of the Immortals. It's a weird mountain and/or the breast of the planet.

Arriving at this mysterious mountain, our heroes find... cows? And purple cows, no less. I guess purple birds weren't enough.

The High Pilgrim: No relation to Scott Pilgrim. ...and by that I mean every relation to Scott Pilgrim.

Well, that was easy. After zero dungeons or boss fights, I acquire the final Kormu item. This armor is rad compared to everything that came before in the game.

I'm not sure if Jo-an is supposed to be male or female. ...or "androgynous" like those blue people in Mass Effect. You ain't fooling anyone, ladies.

A weird boat-dungeon follows. That face on the right is pretty cool.

A romantic boat ride back to the Wise Old Sage is next. During the trip, Chezni performed Helicopter Dick to the delight of Midia.

Mischief-maker? Earlier you were saying Chezni is the savior of the world. And.. wait, Daphne? The old man is a lady?

Now that our hero is all Kormu'd out, Daphne tells him of the real threat to world peace...

...Ron Artest.


Whoa! My bad!

"I'm just trying to read about Paladin's Quest, man!"

Sorry brah.

Oh yeah, so here's the big reveal. The villain of the game is the unstoppable God Emperor, Zaygos. At least, they should call him the God Emperor, because he probably fancies himself a little of both. I wouldn't mind seeing a modern remake of this game and the sequel, but that has no chance of happening., Ron Artest likes Paladin's Quest? Who knew!

What follows is a bunch of FF13-esque nonsensical babble. It seems Zaygos is building a WMD, and the only way to stop this WMD... to defeat its monster. Wait, what?

Chezni begins his journey to stop Zaygos by... oh, geez. First he drinks purple bird wings, now this?

Cows are now foes on the battlefield, weirdly enough. They're important to fight because they give substantial exp (if they don't escape) and drop stat-increasing items... in addition to barely being a threat.

Chezni takes a sip from the sweet udder of the cow. Is this Paladin's Quest or Fear Factor?

I can't tell if this fella is another racist or if he's warning our heroes. By the way, some of these Saskout towns have more smog than Beijing.

The people of Saskout are very war-like. It's like a Mirror Universe version of the northern continent.

This a jack-ass, you see.

His friend (or object of obsession, or whatever) is Joyce, one of the more memorable characters of the game. She bakes bread for the poor folk of the town. Zaran is uber-jealous, and doesn't even let people visit her.

Joyce agrees to help our heroes if they can bring back some grain.

As they're leaving, Zaran shows up and starts trouble. Maybe he hasn't heard, but Chezni is decked out in the items of the legendary hero.

This doesn't qualify as a boss fight... heck, it barely qualifies as a regular fight.

That sounds about right.

Post fight, Zaran acts like he won.

Bringing some grain is a simple task, and Joyce gets to bakin'.

That's right... by eating Saskout bread, our heroes lose their Naskout People Smell. Since the people of Saskout basically look the same as those from Naskout, this may cut down on the racism that they face.

Indeed, the guy at the gate no longer identifies them as Naskoutians. ...even though he saw them a few minutes ago. Mr. Short Term Memory might not be the best gate guard.

While Chezni and company are taking the rope network towards the palace of Zaygos, the network gets sabotaged. Believe it or not, this isn't the work of the villains. It's the work of...

...the Resistance! Wait, there's a Resistance?

The leader, Grunt, basically forces our heroes to help him save his lady-friend that Zaygos' troops took hostage.

Taking Midia as a hostage? Whatta dick.

The empire is evil, but not all of their people are.

With a variety of new potential minions available, it is finally time to kick the antiquated Dan to the curb.

The resistance guys are pretty tough. The incredibly weird-ass Fastjo is still hanging in there, though. Gotta say, I like the variety of characters in this game. The constant rotation of characters keeps things interesting.

A bizarre scene follows as the not-aptly-named Chill accosts our heroes in the next town.

Now that's just... rude! RUN FORREST RUN!

She has basically nada for stats, and barely qualifies as a real character.

Saskout society is very militaristic.

And we leave off on this note. Surrounded by potential enemies on all sides, what hope do our heroes have for succeeding in their journey? Tune in for the next episode.

For future episodes of Paladin's Quest, check out:


  1. Maybe that's where Artest's rage issues come from, he played this game as a kid.

  2. I think Chill makes a comeback in Lennus II but not as a playable character. Anyways kinda glad the resistance fucked up the good guys over, the whole getting back Midia and fucking with the evil guys and their town is pretty good, not many rpg even includes human being you could fight but the lennus series has a fuck ton of them, there are even races that only exist during combat, they have no town and no sprite lol like the mages back in Jurayn.