Monday, April 19, 2010

Mario RPG Pt 1: Daybreak


This is the first of a seven-part series combining Mario RPG and 24. These were done during Season Six of the show, so most of the 24 references generally relate to that season.





The following takes place between 8 PM and 8:12 PM on the morning of the Mushroom Kingdom presidential primary. Events occur in real time.


The game begins with Toadstool in her garden. Why is her dress so poofy, you ask? Because hidden under it is none other than...

 ...TOAD, her secret lover.


Seconds later, he gets blasted with a rocket. IT'S A COUP D'ETAT!

Don't worry, guys! In the immortal words of Dragonball Z's U.S. dub, we can see Toad's parachute. He's okay!




It seems the rocket was fired by Bowser, known terror mastermind. Now no one stands between him and the princess, and he kidnaps her.


One phone call from the president later, and Mario Bauer has arrived. "Dammit!" he says while panting furiously.


One of the greatest games of our generation. Now with calcium!


Mario Bauer furiously pants for breath as he charges through Bowser's lair.

Bowser: "You may have the advantage Mr. Bauer, but I'm the one who can see up her dress from here. What magnificent, frilly pink panties!"


Mario: "You son of a bitch!"


Before Mario Bauer can settle his score with Bowser, a sword falls from the heavens.
Nintendo Power referred to the sword as "Smithy" repeatedly. The sword is Exor...Smithy is the guy inside.


Hell, if I remember right, NP even referred to MACK as "Smithy".


You know, Mack, the knife. For all their greatness, NP had a fact-checking problem some of the time.


The sword decides to slam into Bowser's Castle, and our hero goes FLYING.


Mario gets wedgied as he falls through his own roof. It wasn't a pretty sight. The authorities were called, and they had to use an ostrich to get him down from there.


 He's all like "There will be no more smiles in Mario World!"


...and then he shatters the bridge, thereby banishing both Mario and Bowser to the hills.

A DAY WITHOUT SMILES? THIS CANNOT STAND!


Next, our hero faces his greatest challenge of all time...


...Goomba.

"I WANNA BE" says Toad. "YO' SLEDGE-HAMMAH!"

DUN-DUNNNNN!


WHY DON'T YOU CALLLLL MY NA-AME...


OWWWW!


First boss fight. Believe it or not this gave me some trouble since I was still level 1.

I WANNA BE! YO SLEDGE-HAMMA!

OWWW!

LET ME BEEE YO SLEDGE-HAMMA!

Yeah. Let there be no doubt about it.

...damnit! CURB YOUR GNOMES, PEOPLE!


The only way to get to the castle fast is to ride on top of a shroom man's head. Luckily, he doesn't even notice. These are hardy folk.


The Mushroom Chancellor implores Mario Bauer to deal with whatever the terrorists are planning. Unfortunately, Mario missed most of what he said, since he was distracted by the chancellor's gigantic head.

Here's Mallow's debut. I let him stand there and weep for a while so I could jump around while it rained.

Here's Croco, my least favorite boss in the game. Why? Because he's pretty overpowered for this point in the game, and requires some level-grinding early on. Considering that this game has a pretty natural level-flow to it, this may be the only time in the game that you're forced to stop and gain levels. In this case I went from level 1 to 5 before the fight and OBLITERATED him with Fire Orb. Trying him without that? Not so easy.


Nice Bond reference, as our heroes return to find Mushroom Kingdom in CHAOS. Terrorists have attacked in numerous areas.

Worst of all, they've seized the castle.

Here's the boss, the nefarious Mack. A giant dagger...wonder if he's the son of the giant sword. And if so, I wonder who the mother is. A giant sheath?

OH MY GOD! He set Mallow ablaze! DAMMIT SOMEBODY GET A MEDIC OUT HERE!


Our hero avenges Mallow's still-smoldering corpse, taking on the last Shyguy.


The bad guys leave behind this star...and by Jove, it's a nuke! QUICK, MARIO BAUER! DISARM THAT STAR!


Our hero succeeds, but... according to this intel, the terrorists have six other stars. Things go from bad to worse, as the bad guys could detonate any one of these stars at any time.


"Psychopath" is already a scary enough name for a Scan spell... but it goes the extra mile in sketchy-ness. Secrets?


Now our heroes trek into the sewers, where they battle terror-trained ATTACK FISH. Fear them!


Belome is no problem, because Mario has his newly-acquired Super Jump.


It's the regular jump, only with blond hair.


This is a somewhat annoying battle, however, because of his scarecrow spell.


Now our heroes tumble down the Midas River in a scene right out of Final Fantasy 6. Except without all the piranhas.


What's new...pussycat?


He thinks we don't notice the Lakitu he's hanging from. SLY OLDSTER


Uh oh...brace yourselves...




...for the ANNOUNCEMENT THAT SHOCKS THE WORLD.


What will be the repercussions?


Tune in next time on part two of the four hour season premiere of Super Mario RPG, as Mario searches for the nukes while coping with his own heroin addiction from being undercover in Mexico. And if you think Mario Bauer can't handle this mess... well, you don't know Jack.


TICKTOCK.


TICKTOCK.


TICKTOCK.

6 comments:

  1. Props on starting the new era. Did this game inspire "Elf"? The tadpoles must be really nice kids, because in a real school they would've told him he was different five seconds after he got there.

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  2. I always thought Mack was the red guy on top of the knife. Exor being a talking sword does give precedent to the weapons themselves being baddies, but still...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just read this entire thing and I must say it was entertaining. Keep up the good work :)

    ReplyDelete
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  5. "Not a tadpole!!!" WHOOOOA!

    This is such an insanely creative game. Square had so much skill back then!

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