Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Dragon Quest V: Hand of the Heavenly Bride, Part 5 - Childish Bambina


Rodrigo decides for his daughter that Gazpacho is worthy. Worthy? Maybe Nera isn't worthy of ME!

And has anyone asked her opinion on anything?

Wait, why is Flora/Nera looking past our hero?

...at Bianca?

Bianca totally downplays everything, Tifa-style.

Flora doesn't want to step on Bianca's toes. Not like that, anyway. It's possible she's only asking this to find out if Bianca is available. Naw, probably not. This is a Japanese game, she's lucky she even has lines. Japan: The source of Demon's Souls, where the one female character in the game apologizes to you if you attack her.

LOL, this game. Yeah, he's going to spend a few hours weighing options while the ladies stand around waiting. I can say from experience that if you spend any length of time "weighing options", both women resent it very fast and more likely than not move on.

Rodrigo sends Bianca to the villa for the night so that everyone is separated while the big decision is made. We don't want to taint the voting process by letting Gazpacho see either of these ladies before the decision is made.

Distant moaning is heard as Gazpacho wanders around town, racking his brain. It must be the wind.


Distant voice: "Ohhhh God Yes"

I take some time to stop and play this Slime-whacking minigame. It's like in Yakuza when you have some super-important mission to do so you delay it as long as possible playing weird arcade games.

Here's Flora's older sister, Debora. She basically tells our hero to F off and goes back to listening to Flo Rida and taking instagram pictures of herself. Her walls are lined with whips and handcuffs, and all of her shoes are high heels. I'm outta here.

Yeah, I can't sleep because of all of that moaning! What the hell is going on?

"Ohhhhh Neraaaa" says a distant voice. Da hell?

Finally, somebody with some sense. Leave the jealousy at the door, guys, and let's get our tripod on.

Morgan Freeman V.O.: "As it turned out, the ladies would not be interested in getting their tripod on."

At the bottom of the well, he finds...

...a baby?

"I am free!" he says before sprouting black wings and flying off.

Poor Crispin is absolutely dying inside.

Man, this night is just going on and ON.

"Oh god oh god oh f****, Bianca, yessss" yells a distant voice.

Gazpacho eyes the loot chests. I haven't even attempted to yoink these up to now.

He does, however, yoink some of Mr. Briscoletti's alcohol. Just takes a swig right out of the bottle and quietly puts it back.

Flora is sound-asleep, and smells strongly of Bianca for some reason.

Gaz stops in to see Bianca, who can't sleep either. She's really hoping he makes the right choice, but hasn't told him because she doesn't want to put that pressure on him. At least, that's the impression that I get.

This is another super-romantic moment in the making, with them standing in the breeze like this. Kiss her, you fool!

Wait, why does she smell like Nera? Lot of wacky coincidences going on tonight.

This is it. The big decision:

Bianca, a tremendous human being who would be an incredibly honest and devoted girlfriend. Years of history there, going all the way back to early childhood. The kind of history that makes you feel warm and fuzzy when you think back on it. Something only a few lucky people have.


Flora/Nera...who is hot.


A moment of silence for our hero, as he makes the decision of a lifetime, which will heavily affect the second half of the game.

::thumping club music is heard as the doors to the room fly open::

::an audible gasp is heard from the room::

This is Debora, an absolutely awful person who treats everyone like garbage. She also has gorgeous legs and an insane sex drive.

::thumping club music drowns out everything he's saying::

::Gazpacho ponders this for two seconds::

::then wanders over to Debora and picks her, while Bianca and Flora look on in disbelief::

"Good choice. Now get on your knees."

Poor, repressed Flora wants to "help" with the honeymoon, and starts to get naked.

"Hands off my man, bitch! I don't care if we are sisters, I will cut you!"

Gazpacho goes to apologize to Bianca and Nera for letting them down.

Bianca: "It's okay, we've been kinda seeing each other anyway."

Nera: "Yeah, since yesterday."

Okay then, I guess this worked out for everybody.

::Crispin is heard crying outside of a nearby window::

After all of that drama, Gaz gets a nap in before Debora wakes him up to get married.

I mean, it makes sense. We can see who wears the pants in this relationship...or doesn't.

The wedding takes place on a boat, Star Trek style.

Debora: "I guess. I mean, the options aren't great around here."

Debora then scoops him up and carries him away.

"Yeah. I really mean that. Hooray for you guys."

::Bianca and Nera then gaze at each other from across the room::

"And best of all, now I don't have any competition for Bianca."

::Nera blows a kiss at Bianca, who catches it::

Is that sarcasm??

She then grabs Bianca's hand and they both skip away like AJ Lee.

"That's right, you're doing all the chores, and fixing breakfast."

"Have you ever heard of... rimming?"

"Now suck on my toes! I'M NOT ASKING YOU TWICE."

The next day, our heroes stumble out of the villa. Poor Gazpacho's clothes are all ripped and he's missing a tooth. Debora on the other hand is finally in a good mood.

"For whatever reason they had to rush out of here. I think there was some kind of emergency. Maria kept making obscene gestures at him and nodding her head towards the inn."

FINALLY, let's find out what these bad boys contain.

The answer? Zenithian Shield and money. Muy bien...even though I still can't equip the Zenithian items.

Presumably if you go with Bianca, who is not his daughter, you need to acquire this item from somewhere else. Not sure. Someday when I cover the Super Famicom version on here, I'll go with Bianca just to cover all the bases.

Next, Briscoletti sends our heroes to clamber down this giant well.

::Gaz stumbles back into town, exhausted and beaten-up while Debora holds his chain leash::

Debora: "No, he's getting under MY feet."

Rodrigo continues to set our heroes up with his vast wealth. It's like we're now bankrolled by the Million-Dollar Man. Next we get a boat.


Speaking of metal, here's the Medal King Abode.

As usual, this is where you turn in those Mini-Medals that are found all over the place. I've never really been into hunting these things down, but I can understand the appeal.

Some interesting choices here. Unfortunately this isn't much good to me, and I never get any of these items.

Debora takes a moment to suit up for "battle"

Briscoletti's minions show up everywhere we go and give our hero fabulous cash prizes. While I appreciate all of this (and wonder how much poorer I'd be if I married Bianca), it's starting to get pretty creepy. Like imagine going out on a date and your S.O.'s wealthy dad has people standing outside the place you're going to.

Look, he's even sending over sexy outfits for Debora to wear. Enclosed is a note that has a giant winky face emoji and nothing else. Yeah, thanks, ya creepo.

Debora has been feeling faint for a bit, and after climbing a mountain she outright collapses. I know this isn't because she's out of shape. Have you seen her legs?

She wakes up later, and says the nicest thing she's ever said.

What does this mean? And why has she been feeling faint?

Oh No.

Other Dragon Quest Posts

The Dragon Quest Master Post

1 comment:

  1. LOL, you really did pick Debora.

    I thiiiink you get the random money from going with Nera too, though I've never done it.

    With this choice the rest of the game is going to be hilarious. You know except for all of the times that it isn't.