Saturday, December 12, 2020

Final Fantasy VII Remake, Part 7 - La Tierra

 Is Aerith proposing a throuple? "Not interested" says Cloud.

Aerith: "Simultaneous loving!"

Tifa: "Hmm, I don't know..."

They both take a look at Cloud and rethink this. They could just leave him out?

OUCH. "All of this"?? Is that what our non-relationship is to you, Tifa??

Finally, my favorite Final Fantasy VII party is assembled. It took until like the halfway point of the game so it's great to see it.

There's a vending machine here in the sex dungeon, so we can restock on items at least. Nice Trump hair on Don Corneo.

Tifa's idle animation is her checking her heels. Not only is this kinda hot, it's also a nice bit of character-building because you can tell that she isn't used to wearing things like ever.

Corneo's goons show up to get the three "women". Our heroes have to resist the urge to beat the goons up...for now. They've almost reached their goal of an audience with the Don.

They line up and wait for Wall Market's most infamous dilettante, who will chose one lucky lady for an unforgettable night of getting plowed.

Aerith: "...."

Aerith: "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Jethuth Chritht" he says, "My cup runneth over!"

Tifa is having none of this guy's nonsense, so she's stoic throughout.

Aerith: "Seriously, pick meeeee!"

He gets to Miss Cloud and absolutely loses his mind going ga-ga.


Aerith: "Aw son of a bitch."

"In here, Don Corneo is GOD!"

Meanwhile, The Scraps are left for Corneo's goons.

Scotch gets a closer look at Aerith and realizes she's one half of the...

::gyrates:: "W! W! E!" Tag! Team! Champions!"

...from the Corneo Arena earlier. I covered that in the last post, like eight months ago.


Tifa punts the other goons in their groins as hard as she can, and everybody's out cold. Aerith then dances around.

Just give me a game where you play as these two for the entire game. Call it "Aerith and Tifa" like "Hobbs and Shaw" and just have them driving around solving mysteries before battling Idris Elba and his robot arm.

Aerith goes for the high-five and actually gets it this time! Seriously, so much chemistry between these two compared to their interactions with Cloud. It isn't even close.

Then they get naked.

...To change back into their normal attire and get ready for action! Tifa is relieved to be out of the heels.

A quick shot of the Corneo Mansion interior. This place already looked detailed in the original, much less the remake. One of the coolest locations you visit, and a woefully-underutilized one because it's basically this one time.

More goons attack! Tifa with a rising uppercut!

Meanwhile, Cloud isn't letting Corneo have his way with him. Why even keep the charade up at this point? He got access to the guy, and they saved Tifa. Just find out what he knows about Shinra's secret plan and get out.

Corneo has had enough of Cloud's filthy...dirty mouth, and hollers for his goon squad.

Of course, no goons are left at this point. It's like the end of Scarface. Cloud then throws his dress off and regains his normal attire...with giant sword. Welp

Corneo: "Now by that do you mean my goons...or my balls?"

Tifa: "...both."

Man, this remake is so dirty. I apologize, everyone.

"If you don't tell us what you know about Shinra...I'll smash 'em."

Aerith very un-intimidatingly leans over and threatens to "rip 'em off" while Cloud chimes in with threats of "choppy-choppy"

I'm amazed they left all of this in from the original game. Regardless, Corneo tells them everything he knows: Shinra Corp is planning to drop the plate and murder thousands of people in Midgar. Why would he tell them this?

Because: They're all standing on a trapdoor that he had installed for just this kind of occasion...and they all plummet through the floor.

We cut to Shinra Tower, where President Shinra is informed by his crack team of Turks that their operation to bring down the plate is on schedule.

Unfortunately, that's it for the game's absolutely tremendous Chapter 9. And we're following it with everyone's favorite type of dungeon: A sewer level. One interesting thing about it is that it STARTS with a boss fight. Not many dungeons in RPGs do that.

Here's the fight with Corneo's giant mutant rat. If this reminds you of something, it's the exact same scenario as the Rancor in Jabba's Palace. Squaresoft always did like to sneak Star Wars references into Final Fantasy games.

The sewer dungeon itself isn't terrible. I mean, it's a sewer dungeon, so it's automatically lame, but at least the enemies are all super-weak to lightning.

The Sahagins here can cast Frog on your characters, turning them into helpless toads. Helpless...and ADORABLE! Look at that tiny Buster Sword!

As our heroes try to make their way back to Sector 7 to warn the people of the impending Shinra attack, they ponder what the point of all of this is. Obviously, snuffing out Barret's group is important to Shinra, but it seems like overkill. In the original game, it was just that. In this remake, it's because they're going to use the plate collapse to drum up support for Shinra and hate for Wutai, making it easier for them to start a war with that country later.

"Why would someone attack their own people tho" said South Park when reached for comment.

Our heroes cross a balance beam as the battle for the fate of the world continues! Aerith almost falls, and...

...Tifa catches her while Cloud just sorta stands around.

Then they kinda stare at each other. Yep, the game zeroing in on the friendship of these two characters in a way they haven't with anyone else is definitely noticeable. Maybe they'll kill Cloud off at the end of Disc 1 this time and have these two be the couple.

Then they make plans to go shopping together and Aerith calls it a "date" while completely forgetting Cloud exists. Tifa is less gay than Aerith and suggests that Cloud can go too, if only to carry their stuff. Know what this picture reminds me of?



You didn't even see Cloud on the right the first time did you?

...and then they take off running ahead, completely forgetting Cloud is even there.

If we're headed towards an Aerith/Tifa relationship in the sequels I for one won't mind at all. They're awesome together in this. And Cloud getting killed midway through the sequels instead of anyone else...would make the fanbase spontaneously combust, which might be fun for purely schadenfreude purposes.

I don't know if Japanese developers could culturally get away with having a non-traditional relationship between two characters on this level, especially in a game THIS relevant, much less doing all of the above as well (killing off Cloud? Yeah right). Putting aside the representation factor which is also good, I legit just think Tifa and Aerith are an awesome couple that play off of each other in an entertaining way. I never saw that coming before this remake.

And now that half the audience has tuned out...

Next we get a minigame where Aerith and Tifa work together to... ::checks notes:: "Work the pump"


Tifa: "I'm working the lower part! Go team!"

Aerith: "Right! I'm working the top part!"

::Cloud's eyes roll back into his head like the Undertaker::

The pump action is interrupted by a horde of Sahagins. Between this game and Trials of Mana, 2020 has been the Year of the Sahagin in video games.

"Our time has come!" they squeak.

Cut to the Turks as they fly towards the Sector 7 Pillar to carry out their mission of mass-death. They get some important development here, as we find out that Reno is disgusted by these orders.

Rude isn't thrilled either, but it's what they've been sent to do. They've always killed people who needed to die so that Shinra could carry out their objectives. If they didn't get their hands dirty, the public order wouldn't be maintained. Well, justify it all you want.

Back at our heroes, Aerith reassures Tifa with her bedroom eyes while Cloud fades into the wallpaper in the background somewhere.

After getting out of the sewers, the next chapter takes us through the Train Graveyard. It's been expanded into an entire chapter now, for better or worse. I was a little concerned that it'd drag like some of the other newly-expanded areas, but it isn't bad, and it's quite atmospheric.

They really did a good job with this area. Even in the original it felt like a Final Fantasy dungeon, and was one of the areas that made the game feel connected to the previous (train-happy) FFVI.

Our heroes battle various killer vermin as they cross the abandoned train lot.

Aerith finally remembers that Cloud exists! He recoils from her touching him and looks at something more interesting in the distance, likely a street lamp.

This is a really cute scene. The women are worried about the rumored ghosts in the Train Graveyard and want Cloud to protect them.

Aerith says he's her bodyguard, then grabs him and says "Mine!"

Tifa is a little thrown-off by her forwardness (remember, they just met like two hours ago) and rushes over to grab Cloud's other arm.

Cloud is like "ok". Man's got the game of a lamp. Maybe that's why he's gazing at that streetlight in the distance, it's more his speed.

1 comment:

  1. Almost forgot how good this game looks.

    I remember pretty much all of this fondly but had a small twitch when I saw Abzu, so I bet I had trouble with that fight. I think the sewers might have been the first time I tried Easy mode for all of the Sahagins, but it was too easy or something like that.

    I guess I mostly like the game when not in combat.