Super Mario Kart (Super NES, 1992)

Before I cover the new Mario Kart 9, I'm taking a trip back in time to look at some of the earlier games in the series by reposting my earlier playthroughs.

In 1992, Nintendo decided to put a bunch of beloved Mario characters (and Toad) into a kart-racing game. The result was one of the highest recorded awesome levels of the past thirty years. Until Toad started killing, anyway.

Originally Posted July 2016

First off, you get to choose difficulties. 50cc is considerably easier, but you can only get to the later stages on 100cc.

It might not look like much now, but Super Mario Kart brought tremendous joy to all of us in the 90's.

And to readers from the year 2200 who are looking at this in their holodeck and really scoffing... yes, the Bush years were as bad as the digital direct-to-your-brain textbooks say. ...or don't say, more likely.

The eight selectable characters. Mario and Luigi are average in all respects and nearly identical, with Luigi having a slightly bigger penis.

The Princess and Yoshi both have high acceleration, so they recover quickly from things that slow you down, like bumping into an obstacle or being hit by a projectile.

Bowser and Donkey Kong have the highest speed, but the slowest acceleration. They're for the pros; they can gain the most ground on enemies, but if you crash or otherwise lose control they take the most time to recover. Donkey Kong is rumored to be slightly faster, which makes little sense since most people will probably choose the way-cooler Bowser. Donkey Kong is also known for flinging his poo at foes, and as a result isn't a very popular competitor among the other fighters.

Lastly, we have Koopa-Troopa and Toad. They have the tightest controls and decent acceleration, making them ideal for beginners. I used to play as Koopa-Troopa all the time as a kid. Choosing Toad isn't recommended, because after a play-session he expects a blood tithe.

The three tiers of races. Each one features slightly harder tracks than the one before it. Getting a gold in all three tiers of 100cc will unlock a Special Cup with a new set of races, and getting a gold there unlocks the nearly-impossible 150cc. Well, nearly impossible for me, anyway.

I'm just going to play on 50cc and chill for a bit.

Who am I? Bowser, of course. Since I played as Koopa-Troopa as a kid, it figures that I'd graduate to the bigger koopa later. For those unfamiliar with the wonders of this game, you race around a track while collecting powerups to use on your opponents (or buff your own character, in some cases). It's simple and effective.

Winning a race causes Bowser to roar a lot. He's such an appealing character. When I first played Super Mario RPG, I was gung-ho about the chance to finally play as him in a game.

Winning a race puts you in the standings. Since there are five races in any given cup, you can do relatively poorly in one and still come back to take 1st at the end of the level set.

Luigi sideswipes Bowser as the fight for the very soul of the Mushroom Kingdom continues.

You can see the malevolence in his eyes.

One of the particularly cool level themes is the Ghost House. It can be difficult, though... these levels love to give you corners where you can fall off the track. It's also worth noting that a remix of the classic Super Mario World ghost house theme plays for this stage.

 While Mario Kart 64 uses a lot of visual and audio themes from Super Mario 64, this game uses a lot of themes from Super Mario World.

Bowser Castle is a level type that I particularly like a lot. It's got an intense look and great music. The music in question is a remix of the final battle theme of Super Mario World. Unfortunately it's one of the more difficult area types to negotiate since the track is walled and full of corners and edges.

Bowser takes first place in his own castle. Of course he does.

Final level of Mushroom Cup features an awesome super-jump in the center of the level. Always liked this one as a kid.

Mushroom Cup is done. When you finish a cup (as long as you place in the top three) you end up on this screen. The 1st place winner gets drunk while the other two cheer him on. Meanwhile, a giant fish flies by overhead. It's quite a scene.

 Bowser fires off the cork and it pops the flying fish, sending it spiraling into the background as it deflates. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE KILLED IT!

The Chocolate Island stage theme is easily my least favorite of the lot. Not only is it a fugly brown, it's full of rough dirt and difficult to traverse.

Damn, got my first non-win so far. I should have kept playing as Bowser... he was owning everyone.

Donut Plains levels are home to the nefarious Monty Moles, little buggers who leap out of holes in the ground. They're troublesome and should be avoided.

 If one catches you, it latches onto your face doing God-knows-what and you need to jump a lot to shake it off and regain your full speed.

Spoiler Alert! In the final lap, another monty mole bursts out of your chest.

Uh oh. Another non-win and I fall behind in the standings for the first time all game. I'll need a big win to get back into first...

...and the next level gives me that win. Whew. That didn't last long. Mario triumphs in Bowser's Castle yet again.

Flower Cup is done. Mario is even happier than usual! Meanwhile, Donkey Kong screeches and throws his poo. Why is he allowed to drive?

The first level of the Star Cup might be my favorite level overall. The beach is a lot of fun to navigate, splashing through the shallow water and avoiding the deep water.

Vanilla Lake is a level theme I used to love, and one we don't see enough of. It only appears twice, and the second time has a huge lake in the middle. As a kid I always wondered if there was something hidden in that lake. ...there isn't. Also, I think I overrated these levels as a kid. Now I'm finding them pretty annoying with all the ice block obstacles.

For the most part, these 50cc races pose zero challenge for me now. When I was a kid, they were pretty much all I could reliably play and I still had trouble with them. Back then I BARELY finished Mushroom Cup in 100cc, but that was about it. Would have never gotten to check out the Special Cup races in Time Trial if I hadn't bought the game used with everything unlocked already.

Star Cup done. That's it for this game, all done, nothing else besides this, no further cups to tackle...

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the one-on-one Battle Mode, where two players drive around in a maze and try to snipe each other with shells. Once all three of your balloons get popped, the game is over. When I was a kid I was super-into this mode, but most of the people I played with just wanted to race when we'd co-op so this mode didn't get much play.

Here's Nintendo Power's awesome rendition of Battle Mode, because Nintendo Power Makes Everything Better.

I mentioned Special Cup earlier. It's the culmination of the game, with several tough stages. The last is an all-new theme, Rainbow Road. It's a difficult track because you can fall off all of the edges, but it's vibrant and the music is excellent. Once you get good at this track, it's pretty exhilarating. That pretty much applies for the whole game, actually.

You know what? I'm gonna see if I can beat the Special Cup for the first time ever. I could never finish Special Cup as a kid, and winning the gold there is like wrestling an alligator. Feeling motivated here. Let's do it.

First, I need to finish the earlier cups on 100cc. The Mushroom Cup isn't much of a problem, and I quickly fly through it with Mario while racking up wins.

...barely, as you can see in this and the previous shot. I usually won by about half a second. 100cc leaves you little room for error, and if you make any mistakes the CPU insta-passes you. I think the CPU is actually cheating a bit by "rubber-banding" other racers to your character.

Bugger off, Lakitu! You're worse than an Anime Boston staff member.

At one point, I (Koopa Troopa) get second place by 0.02 seconds.

Star Cup was by far the hardest of the three, but I managed to eke out a win. I used Mario for Mushroom and Flower, then Koopa Troopa for Star to get used to him again.

Special Cup is unlocked. I wasn't so lucky as to have everything pre-unlocked for me like when I got the game used back in 1996.

Special Cup is brutal, especially when compared with later Special Cups in the series that tone it down a bit. Also, having five stages (as opposed to the four that'd become cup-standard in future games) makes it even tougher to get through with limited lives.

The first stage is a horrifying hellscape of monty moles, swamp, and narrow bridges. Things get a little bit easier with the next three stages, but then Rainbow Road completely takes you to school.

This stage turned out to be an impasse at first, and almost made me give up entirely on this Special Cup excursion right off the bat. I don't know how people do this on 150cc. There's almost no room to drive between all of the obstacles.

I managed to get 4th a couple times, but wouldn't move on until I got first or second. On my best go, I got second. That'll have to do. Not off to the best start, but I'll need to make the most of this run.

The second beach level in the game is a fun one, consisting of a section dominated by water. The dark spots should be avoided at all costs.

Even when I win, it's barely. That damn Luigi has second place on lock, and he seems to have infinite Power Stars at his disposal. Any time he gets close or I fall to second, he constantly makes himself invincible so I can't pass him.

Ghost Valley 3 is the second-most precarious (in terms of having an abundance of pits and no safety rails) stage in the game, behind only the last stage. Luckily, the track is fairly wide, so you have plenty of room to not fall off.

Vanilla Lake redux has a massive lake. It's pretty rad visually, but the constant ice blocks in your way can get irritating. This is the one I mentioned in the previous post; I used to wonder what was in that lake. It could have used a giant monster or something along those lines.

Course, Rainbow Road is the big challenge here. No rails like the N64 version, and if you make one mistake you're boned. It helps to stay in 1st from the get-go so you don't have to deal with Luigi and his power stars.

Aside from electric thwomps, the biggest challenge here is in not falling off the track. Fall off once and the race is pretty much over. The other racers themselves aren't as big a threat as the environment.

After the performance of a lifetime I eke out a win. It was a matter of staying ahead from the get-go and not making any mistakes.

One noteworthy thing about Rainbow Road Version 1 is the music. It's perfect for the stage, and possibly the most memorable track in the game. I was hoping later Kart games would remix this for their Rainbow Roads, but alas they all have different music.

I am now an expert? Finally, a dream from my childhood has been achieved. Egad!

Credits roll, and I realize this is the first time I've ever seen the credits for this game.

You're welcome. What a mega game.

And with that, it's beaten.

Yep, completely beaten. Nothing else to do here...

*high-pitched scream occurs*

...meanwhile, in Mario Kart 64...

Bowser: "Slurp slurp. Oh yeahhh. Taste the rainbow, indeed."

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