Sunday, April 17, 2016

Dragonball Z Movie 7: Super Android 13


Today on DBZ, our heroes battle androids that are lower-numbered than the earlier androids, yet more powerful! How is this a thing? And now, we have not one, not two, but a TRIO of Super Saiyans running around.

Presented in HD IMAX Widescreen-o-Vision: The Wave of Tomorrow!



We begin with an extreme close-up of Dr. Wily Dr. Gero's O-face.

Man, this is unpleasant.

The camera pans out to show Android 17 MURDERING HIM. I half expected it to pan out to show Android 18 blowing him.

...okay, that was pretty sexist, I apologize. Android 17 could have just as easily been the one blowing him.

But wait! He left three more androids in wait to be released if anything happened to him. And since this is a weird DBZ Movie Bubble-Universe, Androids 16 through 18 are nowhere to be found here, yet it takes place during the timeframe where they're the main antagonists in the show. Err. Well, roll with it.

In any case, the three new androids are 13, 14, and 15. And 13 is the most powerful. Yeah, every Android counting down from #20 is more powerful than the one after it. I don't get it either.

We never see Androids 1 through 12, unless you count "Android 8" in the original Dragonball series. But he was a good guy and nothing like the later ones, so...yeah, I don't know. Going by their counting scheme, the first twelve would be the strongest, and that doesn't make much sense.

Meanwhile, the C-Team wastes time. For some reason Trunks is along with them, just sorta doing nothing. One of the most compelling characters in the show is already being lumped into the filler squad.

He knows he's too good for this nonsense. Game of Thrones, it ain't.

Meanwhile, Chi Chi goes Black Friday shopping, resulting in her having to brawl with a bunch of other women. Lots of hair-pulling and biting and thrashing followed.

 "Ohhhhh Yeahhhhhh."

Gokou and Gohan (who STILL can't go Super Saiyan, the lazy millennial that he is) are APPALLED. Gokou says it's like the "mud wrestling I showed you on TV". I don't even...

 Meanwhile, elsewhere in the city, hip-hop music plays as two new androids show up: Steven Seagal Man and Black Man.

"JESUS CHRIST! BLACK MAN ON THE LOOSE!"

 Hip-hop music continues to play as he get crunk up in this bitch, homie.

 He's all "Sheeeeee-it" while Steven Seagal Man walks woodenly (just like the real thing!)

 DBZ's second black character EVER (besides Mr. Popo) pokes his head through the floor of an elevator. Shorties be POPPIN in heeyah

 "Oh My God!"
"Quick, honey! Give him your wallet!"

 They have Terminator-vision, which they use to track Gokou. They've been sent to destroy him, like all of Dr. Gero's creations.

 They blow up an entire restaurant just to get to Gokou. Terrorist sons of bitches!

Gokou takes both of them on, perhaps against his better judgment. Steven Seagal Man is pretty bland compared to Black Man, but he's impressive-looking at least.

Meanwhile, stuff happens with the C-Team. Chi Chi DEMANDS that Gohan carry her bags home and Gohan actually shuts her down. Seriously. He tells her no and takes off to help his dad beat the androids. That was amazing.

She then beats Kuririn about the head and orders HIM to help. Yanno, women in this show are portrayed as insufferably awful baby-factories. I wonder if any real women actually worked on writing DBZ.

Meanwhile, the third of the three new androids wakes up, eyes ablaze. They're not glowing red, though (plz don't sue, Terminator people)

Behold: Android 13, also known as Redneck Man. He quickly informs Gokou that "I've been sent here to kill yo' ass!"

Whoa! This guy is even more street than Black Man! Pop a cap, homie!

The battle quickly spills underwater, as Android 13 actually goes stride-for-stride with Gokou pretty evenly. What happened to the other two androids, you ask?

Trunks is dealing with them now. He showed up just in time. For whatever reason, both he and Gokou have this weird refusal to go Super Saiyan in this movie, even as they struggle against the androids.

But wait! Vegeta has arrived! Now it's three-on-three. He makes sure to let everyone know that he's only saving Gokou so that he himself can fight Gokou again later. I think he says that in EVERY DBZ MOVIE

The hip-hop music plays again as Vegeta battles Black Man. That music only plays for this particular android; the other two don't have their own themes. They also can't jump.

"Yo yo yo, who you steppin' to honkie?"

Vegeta shows more sense than anyone else in the movie, immediately going Super and knocking off Android 15's pimp hat. NOW HOW WILL HE PIMP? THESE HOES AIN'T LOYAL!

Gohan and Kuririn are in awe of the Super Saiyan Triumvirate, as Gokou and Trunks also follow Vegeta's lead and power up. Admittedly, it's a pretty cool scene.

Meanwhile during all of this, the androids are being controlled by Dr. Gero's underground supercomputer. It talks a lot and has the same voice as King Kai, which is pretty distracting.

The movie gets a lot better once we start getting some Super Saiyan fighting. The good guys actually start clobbering the bad guys. It's like a hot tag in a wrestling match, except here there was no reason for it to take so long.

Trunks drops SSJ right after he totally slices Steven Seagal Man in half! DAMN! The android then explodes, because being sliced into pieces isn't enough in DBZ.

Elsewhere, Black Man got stuck in snow and his head fell off. Er, yeah. I don't get it either.

Android 13 starts powering up for something nefarious. Everyone stands around and watches while he does this for minutes on end, as is tradition. He summons the chips of the other two androids and absorbs them, becoming...

...SUPER ANDROID 13. Now in purple!

Everyone immediately goes SSJ to face this new threat! ...and all of their attacks just sorta bounce off. He just stands there the entire time. It's...pretty weird.

Piccolo shows up now. At this point he might well be the strongest character (if he fused with Kami yet). Be that as it may, he administers a beating and gets similarly no-sold. This movie should have been Piccolo's ONE chance to shine. DAMMIT, HIS ONE CHANCE! I'd mark out like crazy if Piccolo showed up and managed to win this fight after everyone else failed.

And fail they do, as everyone takes a shot at getting no-sold by this big goon. Okay, this is getting a little boring.

He FINALLY hits back, and I have to admit that this is a pretty badass-looking character.

Gokou is quickly decimated, and sinks into the ocean. Luckily, he apparently doesn't need to breathe after all, so he just sorta hangs out down there and thinks about life.

With no one left to challenge him, Super Android 13 stalks the hapless Gohan. GO SSJ, GOHAN! IT'S NOW OR NEVER!

But wait! Vegeta's back! ...and it's gone, as he gets Bane'd. My God.

Trunks springs into action, breaking his sword against Super Android 13. In the series I think he breaks his sword against someone else. They must be several different swords. I wonder which one Tapion gave him? ...yeah, about that

Gokou summons a giant Spirit Bomb, the one-size-fits all solution to every villain problem to ever pop up in the series.

...but then he goes Super Saiyan and absorbs energy from it instead of launching it, gaining temporary hyper-power. Because in DBZ, if an enemy is stronger, you don't win with teamwork or ingenuity. You win by inventing a way to get a slightly higher power level than them for a minute so you can one-shot them!

Infused by Super Saiyan energy, the Spirit Bomb energy swells up to epic proportions.

Gokou meets Android 13 inside the energy sphere. IN HERE, GOKOU IS GOD.

He proceeds to punch through Android 13. Remember this, because the next several movies all end exactly the same way. The impale-punch is DBZ's new finisher for everyone.

We then get the ANGRIEST GOKOU FACE EVER.

Well, that was a pretty terrible series of battles. The three-on-three lacked Super Saiyan action until the end, and the boss fight was extremely lame. He stood around no-selling everything they did, beat them down, and then got one-shotted. There was never any kind of competitive fight there.

We wrap up with everyone hanging out in the hospital while Master Roshi checks out Oolong's ass.

What? You don't know what he's checking out! He always has those big sunglasses on!

The last shot of the movie is the best shot, as Piccolo and Vegeta hang out and grumble.

Piccolo/Vegeta buddy movie, make it happen.

3 comments:

  1. It's kinda nice to see Trunks getting some downtime. Things are usually so intense around him.

    This still uses the old dub, so expect people to say out of character stuff at any given time!

    It's a good thing our heroes win in the end, I wouldn't want to see Steven Seagal man moving on to the Dalai Lama.

    GO SUPER SAIYAN YOU MORONS

    These movies looks really good in HD.

    If Piccolo was the hero of this one, I'd add on like 5 points to my old review score, whatever it was.

    Ah yes, the biggest problem in this entire movie run, "let's make up some new way for Gokou to get stronger at the last minute which never happens in the series." ...hell, you could even apply that to the afterlife punch in 9.

    Piccolo: "That movie sucked."
    Vegeta: "Yeah, I don't know why the hell the others weren't going SSJ immediately, freaking morons."

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  2. The screenshots look really nice and the bad guys have character. It's great to see Adult Trunks get some action in. I'm sorry the fights didn't work out. I agree Piccolo should save the day some time.

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  3. You can tell I like this watch movies online and so thoroughly suggest it. In general, even though it is a wonderful film.

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