Friday, April 22, 2016

Dragonball Z Movie 11: Bio-Broly

 These titles aren't getting any better, are they?



This movie features a bunch of creepy bio-warriors that have been created by...

...this scientist, under the employ of some One-Percenter guy. The wealthy guy is all evil and wants to take over the world with his new force of bio-warriors. You can tell he's bad because of his thin, thin mustache.

But wait! The Japanese version of the Nazi hat guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark is none too impressed with The One-Percenter, and schemes against him.

Who are these people? I'm bored.

Intro credits! We see New Main Character Gohan as famed crime-fighting hero Great Saiyaman.

This... is the last time we'll see him in this movie.

We begin with our heroes (Kuririn, Android 18, and their daughter) visiting Satan House, home of Mr. Satan. Or as he is known in the American dub that I'm watching, "Hercule".

Weird thing is, they call him Hercule in this scene, but later in the movie they call him Satan.

Here's Kuririn and #18's daughter, Marron.

She's... ::whispers:: ...half-android. The devil's hands have been busy.

Inside the mansion, Android 18 extorts Mr. Satan for money. If he doesn't pay up, she'll expose his fraudulence as world champion to the world.

Wait, wait, hold on a second, STOP THE BIKE!

Why did they name this creepy robo-baby death-machine "Marron"? That was the name of Kuririn's girlfriend back in the day. Was Android 18 seriously okay with naming their child after an ex-girlfriend of Kuririn?

...wait, this is DBZ. Aside from Videl, women don't have thoughts here. Carry on.

Hat Guy shows up at Casa Del Satan to make him an offer he can easily refuse: Satan's old sparring buddy, Jaguar, wants to face Satan in battle. I guess there's money on the line or something because Satan accepts, thinking he can pay off Android 18 afterwards.

Regardless, time for a road trip to Jaguar's island.

::the Miami Vice theme plays::

STARRING DON JOHNSON

DUNUNUNUNUN! DIDDLY DEEE DEEE DOO DOO DOOOOOO!

FEATURING EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

CHICKA-CHA-CHA! NUNUNUNUNUNUN!

Fast forward to DA BEACH, where hot young women sip mai tais and giggle. This movie has more hot young women than any other DBZ movie, I think.

DOOOO DOO-DOOOOOO! DIDDLY DEE DEE DOO DOO DOOOOOOO!

DIRECTED BY MICHAEL MANN

Mr Satan arrives at Jaguar's castle, only to find that Jaguar is like two feet tall and three feet wide. He doesn't actually want to fight Satan; he wants Satan to fight his bio-warriors. Revenge on Mr. Satan shall be his! ...revenge for...uh...being tall?

Meanwhile, some scary dog licks Trunks' posterior. Yeah, we don't need to see this.

Goten loves animals, even huge horrifying ones.

The bio-warriors prepare for battle. Mr. Satan slyly begs off and insists that they first go through his "finest protege", Android 18.

"They can all come at once!" says Android 18. Ewww!

 What follows is a spin on the typical Goon Squad fights in the series, as Android 18 single-handedly dispatches all of the Bio-Warriors with European Uppercuts to their cojones.

The best thing about this movie: This voluptuous scientist. She's been trapped down here working on bio-noids for WEEKS with a bunch of dweebs, and she's probably horny as hell.

Goten and Trunks snoop around the bio-noid factory, where they notice that one of the bio-noids has a tail. Uh oh.

B...BROLY?

Indeed, it appears that they managed to somehow clone Broly into one of their bio-warriors. Uh oh.


They did this by scraping his DNA off of a rock OKAY THIS MOVIE IS GROSS

He spots Goten and Trunks, and - thinking Goten is Gokou - immediately goes into full Kaka-rage.

Clearly, Trunks hasn't seen DBZ.

Jaguar is ready to unleash Broly. You don't know what you're doing!

Side note: Aside from having a forehead you could project a movie onto, Android 18 is gorgeous.

It turns out that this guy from the Movie 10 village was basically out of a job after our heroes took Broly out. He then went and collected Broly DNA to sell and make a fortune on. In other words... Movie 11 is basically a direct sequel to Movie 10. Too bad they're both kinda terrible.

Sweet visuals, as our heroes prepare to UNLEASH BEAMS on Broly. ...the Broly clone, I mean. 

The Broly clone powers up to Super Saiyan! ...how? The show explicitly states that you can't go Super Saiyan while you have a tail. And Broly now has a tail since he's a clone, so...

...wait, why does Broly have a tail? He didn't in the other two movies. Did the people who made this one just not give a shit about any continuity?

More importantly than all of that, how does miss hot-as-hell scientist feel about this?

"Oh...my...God. It's like Niagara Falls downstairs right now."

...and it's NUDE Broly, at that.

"Oh God! I'm having one! I'M HAVING ONE!!"

However, Springtime For Hot Scientist can only last so long, as the unfinished Broly clone quickly disintegrates into a pile of mud. He keeps the SSJ hair, though.

This is pretty stupid. Talk about a waste of one of the most well-liked bad guys in DBZ. But that's nothing new, Broly's whole run was a waste of a badass and potentially-great character. The lack of dialogue and personality was the first strike, and turning him into a Diarrhea Golem was just the final nail.

Android 18 goes on the attack against Bio-Broly, but her attacks just bounce off. Did she think she could be the first (and only) female character to main-event a DBZ movie? Silly woman!

 Android 18 gets decimated by Broly's energy blasts. Luckily for her...

 ...Kuririn is here to rescue her. He may have a much lower power level than she does, but he can still carry her away from trouble.

Jaguar is all "FWEE HEE HEE" and Satan is all "We're all gonna die" as Bio-Broly continues to wreck things.

Bio-Broly promptly kills the remaining bio-warriors that Android 18 didn't kill. This is all so creepy that it's like I'm not watching DBZ anymore. Is this The Animatrix or something? Protip: My biggest anime peeve ever is the creepy bulging eyes trope.

But wait! Goten and Trunks are on the case, and quickly go SSJ to deal with the threat of Bio-Broly. Hey, wait, what? Characters go right to full power to deal with a bad guy? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?

Alas, they quickly get SLAMMED INTO WALLS~! by the Legendary Gooper Saiyan.

Don't worry, violence against kids is a pretty normal DBZ staple.

 "I! AM! THE GRRREAT MIGHTY POOOO!"

We get some upside-down fighting as the battle for the fate of Earth (...?) sloshes on!

Vats of purple goo continue erupting, resulting in the everything-consuming substance taking over the whole island fortress. Scientists flee en masse as the theme from Spaceballs plays.

We're the Space-ballllllls! Watch-out!

Doo doo dooooo-doo!

::purple ooze creeps into the room::

Scientists trapped in an elevator = Comedy Gold!

SPACE-BALLLLLS! WATCH-OUT!

Goten and Trunks pummel Bio-Broly, but it's basically pointless since he's made of slime.

Our heroes power up for a stereo chibi-blast~!

You can kinda tell that it's Broly under there, but not really. Bio-Broly is quite literally a pile of crap. It's like they wanted to bury him on purpose.

Kuririn gets a brief moment of almost-importance, as he uses his Destructo-Disk to behead Broly. ...only to have Broly's head instantly re-attach, because he's a blob.

How can he be stopped if he's made of slime? Do we have any liquid nitrogen on hand?

Trunks actually looks pretty worried when their attacks have little effect on Great Mighty Poo Junior. But wait! He has a plan. If he can get the purple death slime to come into contact with Bio-Broly, it might disintegrate him. He just needs to lure Bio-Broly into the slime somehow.

Time for... "Stone Cold" Trunks.

::glass shatters::

::Trunks wobbles his head from side to side::

Trunks is successful, and The Spooge Flood of '93 pours onto Bio-Broly.

RUN! EVERYBODY OUT!

OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE

Bio-Broly gets bigger for...some reason, but it seems to be working.

We see that the castle is overlooking a harbor town...one that is about to get gooped. Pretty sure we don't see this shot in the American version, because we can never acknowledge collateral damage in that one.

The whole factory crumbles as the spooge continues to expand. Luckily, Broly is engulfed along with it, ending the Gooper Saiyan's reign once and for all.

Our heroes take a moment to reflect on what a bad day they've had. Wait...if Kuririn is here...who is keeping tabs on their creepy robo-baby back in Satan City?

::wind whooshes through the ruins::

Our heroes go on a rescue mission, saving as many people as possible... even Jaguar.

Kuririn goes and rescues the busty scientist from earlier. Oh Yeahhh.

Android 18 shows up to watch...and direct. "Put your face in her tits, Kuririn! Oh God, do it now! Fuck her the way you fuck me!"

 Kuririn...obliges.

But wait! It seems that the spooge is continuing to expand on the island. Now that it has been evacuated, our heroes need to do something.

::record-scratching sound::

Wait, what the actual fuck? Why does Kuririn have a Super Saiyan aura?



His aura disappears in the next angle-shot, then reappears in the angle after that. This movie is...poorly-constructed.

At least we get this SWEET triple-kamehameha beam. This has got to be Kuririn's last hurrah of being useful in the series. Awesome that he got to pitch in.

They blast the fortress, creating a tidal wave that washes over the purple spooge and dissolves it. Apparently Goten heard that water could negatively affect the purple goo, and thus it was his idea to cause a wave.

So the spooge threat has been neutralized, and the world is saved! ...though now the world's oceans have trace amounts of radioactive purple spooge. But really, the sea life isn't any more unhealthy for people than it already was, and the fishing industry gotta get paid.

Mega Bio-Broly emerges from the muck, now embiggened by all of the radioactive purple spooge.

He reaches for our heroes, and...the ocean water affects him, causing him to slowly calcify into hardened clay of sorts. This is their chance!

Goten and Trunks power up while Kuririn gets blown off-camera by that scientist lady.

"Put some oomph into it! BLOW MY HUSBAND LIKE YOU MEAN IT!"

Goten and Trunks blast Bio-Broly, shattering him into nothingness. Hasta la vista, Broly.

With Kuririn feeling closer to his wife than ever, it's time for Android 18 to get paid. Mr. Satan might want to consider faking his own death to escape.

The movie suddenly switches over to the afterlife, where Gokou is watching the proceedings. Gokou quickly learns that Broly just arrived in the afterlife himself, and wants a one-on-one fight with him (he is now at least as strong as Broly himself). Then the movie just ends.

...is it just me or does this afterlife battle sound like a much more interesting movie? Why couldn't they do that instead?

And... wait a minute... the thing that just perished was just a Broly clone, right? So shouldn't Broly have already been in the afterlife for a while now?

.............




3 comments:

  1. Ah yes, the Satan House! Videl isn't there. Maybe she's with Gohan during the movie since they're both no-shows.

    17 and 18 are actually humans given robot parts. They're still called androids because Dr. Gero included them in the same series as his other actual androids. Surprised he didn't name Cell "21".

    It's like someone in charge said "Broly has to be the bad guy" and the movie makers were all "we did him twice and he's dead" and the boss said "don't care, put Broly in or you're all fired" and the movie makers were all "we'll show you"

    Triple Kamehameha is awesome, but I think Vegeta would ground Trunks if it was discovered that he knew the technique.

    I don't know who had the idea to make a movie giving the starring roles to Mr. Satan, 18, Kuririn, and the kids, but I'd like to buy them a beer. As many DBZ movies as there are it was due for one showcasing the side characters.

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  2. This bad guy is really gross, but the idea is not bad. Just wish they'd come up with a better design for him.

    I very much enjoyed the #18-Scientist subplot you constructed.

    Gotta say the ending to this fight was unique for the series, what with a lack of impale-punching and the environment affecting the outcome just as much as the good guys did.

    I'm with Brayn in hoping for more minor-character movies. Just not Roshi.

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  3. Krillin was awesome, no wonder he's getting the busty scientist and his wife in a threesome shortly after the credits. After all HE IS the strongest normal human in the series. The sayans outside of banging their wives don't seem to have too much sexual desires. They like to fight and eat but pretty much all the others human males are uber perverts except Tenshinan ( well a little with Lunch) and Chaozu.

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