Thursday, March 5, 2015

Lufia: Ruins of Lore Finale - But The Fall Is Short

Time for the grand finale of Ruins of Lore, the only game whose developers furiously masturbate every time a player has to replay a dungeon that they've already finished.

F**** the Tower of Guidance, man. This is my third time through this dungeon. Not only are the dungeons in this game confusing messes... you have to repeat half of them!

I take the portal in the dragon statue room, now that I'm "strong enough to fight Ragule" and warp to a stonehenge somewhere.

Ya know, RVD ISN'T ANY MORE POWERFUL than he was before he got the beast-power. I could have theoretically gone through this portal and done this a lot sooner, had it let me. Actually, the whole "you have to go get beast-power before you can fight Ragule" premise seemed thrown-in for the sole purpose of adding about five more hours to the runtime. Five hours spent backtracking through stuff you've already done.

This is it...the final dungeon. It's straight out of an FF game, with crystals and glassy platforms.

I'll give it credit for following tradition by having several Miracles in the last area. These are extremely useful in the final battle, as they restore all MP in addition to reviving. I'll save these for Rami, since those Hulk-Up megaheals are quite expensive on the MP.

Ragule quickly throws a ball of energy at us, which RVD deflects with his "new power".

Unfortunately, the energy ball then collides with the planet in the background and blows it up. YOU MURDERED BILLIONS OF PEOPLE, RVD!

Ragule has a record-high 2200 HP, more than anything else up to this point. He's a formidable foe, but the fight is over quickly. This really just exists to sap our resources before the final fight, like so many penultimate bosses do.

The final boss appears! This is Odin, a god lost to time. I guess Odin is the god that Ragule was trying to raise? I don't know. At this point, the story long since lost me.

Okay, so basically, Odin created the "Beast", Goldiark. For whatever reason he split it in two, and the two halves were/are now possessed by RVD and Ragule. Now Ragule is dead, so Odin is here to claim that half... as well as RVD's half. That way he can make Goldiark rise again. ...why'd he split it in two in the first place?

And...why is the final boss...

...Odin, yet named "Goldiark".

...what the fuck? Didn't he just say he needed RVD's beast-power to revive Goldiark? He doesn't have that half, so shouldn't this boss be called "Odin"? Unless this is just Odin with half Goldiark power, thus Goldiark. Oh, what the fuck ever, game.

This guy has 8000 HP, WAAAAAY higher than any other boss. He also has a drain attack that steals HP, so you need to do around 11,000 damage altogether. It's the most difficult fight in the game by a huge margin.

I win on the second try. It was a matter of just healing constantly, using Miracles very strategically.

It's over. Our long national over.

People around the world look back on the horrors of this game.

And I walk away, raising an arm as the scene freezes. DON'T YOOOOU! FORGET ABOUT MEEE!

Bunch of exp...okay, sure. Funny that Rami learns Life 2 NOW.

You were defeated by a bunch of first-graders because you made the mistake of existing in a stupid game.

Stuff happens with Odin trying to possess RVD, then Rubius and Irmis banish him to another dimension. ...then they hover around with their eyes closed looking all priestess-like, because teenagers think that looks cool.

This game has made me hate video games. Or at least, stupid video games. I need to cleanse the palate by playing something good. Perhaps something...that rhymes with Dragon Warrior III.


The Tower of Guidance and that other one that popped up near it to prolong the game... now crumble to the ground. This is a game from 2003! Have some respect!

"Especially the weapons-grade crack!"

"I hear priests get tons of sex!"

Man, this guy is a total sicko. I apologize, folks.

Dekar and his lady have a little conversation about the future. And actually a good scene. The only good scene in the ending, perhaps.

As far as everyone else...they all just sorta went back to what they were doing at the beginning. The story of this game had no impact on anyone's lives, aside from Dekar.

There are no credits (it's possible no one worked on this game) and we get a silhouette of a giant phallus. I think that might be one of the collapsed towers.

In closing, this game is horrible, and it wasn't worth playing. Not even to write about.

Let's ask the cast of The Breakfast Club what they think about this game!

"I give the game a thumbs up. ...why is everyone looking at me?"

"So let's talk about WHY you like this game. Why DO you like this game?"
"Is it because you've never talked to a girl before?"

"Alright, fine. I thought the game was..." ::puts on sunglasses:: "...a royal fumble."

"There's one thing I hate in this world, and that's wasted potential. I hate to think of all the kids who wasted 30 or 40 hours of their life on this crap. They could have been doing something at school instead, something with practical real-world workforce application, like learning how to play the piano!"


"As bad as detention is, at least we're not still playing that stupid fucking Ruins of Lore game."

"One time, when I was a kid... my father made me play Lufia: Ruins of Lore. He MADE me play it! Maybe I didn't want to play it!"

"I know what we need to do. Let's set this game on fire!"

"Hold that thought! Let me handle this!"

Everyone: "Former Vice President Al Gore?!?"


::the world of Ruins of Lore burns::




  1. Thank you, Al Gore. Thank you.
    You are truly a hero to us all in our time of need and crisis, suffering from this terrible game.
    ...Oh, and also you, who played it. Thanks for putting up with this crap and playing through this god-awful game for us so we could see how awful it is, and posting screenshots. You have saved future generations from playing this garbage.

  2. Wow, this game really does look horrible.

    Big LOL at the whole ending sequence, magnifique.

  3. Hey now, hovering around with your eyes closed and robes flapping all around does look cool. Or at least the animation for it does.

    I love that scene when Judd Nelson is just talking to the dude all "sup bra"

    Thank God we have you to present this game to us and save_us from having the play this crap.

    Great post, shitacular game.

  4. That's all Rubius did? ...........

    I agree with everyone else, great post and thanks for saving future generations from this.