This dude gives our hero some advice. Unfortunately, Hulkster is not a rapper, so he is not packing the heat.
Forget the Dog Maze, THIS is the most annoying place in the whole game. The Dark Forest is a wonder of cut and pasting (much like most of Gothica, which consists of the same house and the same pile of barrels pasted over and over again), and it's possible to get lost in here for ages. Following the owls will get you through, but their appearances make little sense in terms of which way you're supposed to travel.
"This is some heavy bush! WE'VE LOST GOOD MEN IN THERE!"
This guy gives our hero a formula that I didn't know existed. It seems to be similar to FF6's Life 3 or Chrono Trigger's Lifeline, in that using it before you get killed will auto-revive you.
Halfway through the woods, this battle blocks the way. Technically, it's a mini-boss, but it's one of the few semi-difficult fights in Gothica.
Dark Hulkster: "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, BROTHER!"
In any case, for that battle you have to fight three dopplegangers of yourself. They all use the sword (there's three of them and they don't use the three different weapons? Cutting and pasting strikes again). These things are fast moving and hit relatively hard, so it's a rough battle. It's lucky that they attack one at a time, because all three would have been rockier. Then again, I'd have welcomed the challenge and probably just blitzed them with Lance.
After some more wandering in the fun-killing woods, another boss swoops in: the nefarious Timberdrake. He may be bringing sexy back, but he's one of the easiest bosses in the game and repeatedly runs into my sword until the fight ends.
Our hero gets yet another new, level-zero weapon from winning the fight, and Hot Dog gets...NOTHING. HE GETS NOTHING AND LIKES IT!
Hulkster RUNS WILD in the old sewers of Ebon Keep. Luckily for me, Ebon Keep and its sewer system are basically copy/pastes of Ivor Tower and its sewer system. I didn't even realize this when I started pointing out Gothica's cut and paste ways, so way to confirm my suspicions game.
Our hero stumbles into the seedy shop of Cecil.
I was there, fool! Cecil is pretty much the only person in Ebon Keep Town. Where's Rosa? No sign of her. She probably left him for Kain. Or worse, "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner.
"ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE MY FREAKS, AND MY PEAKS."
What? As I was saying... I get new armor here, and the Bazooka. Apparently Cecil has been to Prehistoria. Too bad I can't play as him and rampage around Evermore.
Next, our heroes storm Ebon Keep, where they run smack into...
...The Rat King. Some say this is the hardest fight in the game, and I can see why. Personally, I still say Thraxx is, with Salabog second.
Not only does he hit HARD, he's out of reach so you can only hit him with alchemy and projectiles, and meanwhile he's really going nuts with that sack of his.
I make full use of Lance. Good thing I built that up. Otherwise, I would have had to rely on charged Bronze Spear throws, which would be antiquated (hyuck!) at this point in the game.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"DID SOMEONE SAY BOOM? I MAKE THE LADIES SAY BOOM SHAKA LAKA. THERE'LL BE SOME MEAN BODY ROCKIN!"
Dude! Get outta here!
Our hero encounters the REAL Queen Bluegarden here. Indeed, that other one was merely her evil twin. However, this real version still shares the same lust for our hero.
::scene change to outside Ebon Keep as it begins to shake violently::
Hulkster: "WHAT-CHA GONNA DOOOO, QUEEN BLUEGARDEN?"
Queen Bluegarden: "Ohhhh! Ohh God! Yes!!"
"WHAT-CHA GONNA DOOOO!"
"OHH! OHHHHH! YES!!!"
"You can call me...anytime" she says while licking her lips. Oh Baby!
A "boss" follows, but it's just a group of enemies from earlier in the game that are all easily dispatched. They're the guards for...
...this guy, inventor extrordinaire. It's amazing how some people grow up to actually BE what their names indicate, like this guy and numerous porn stars.
Given what transpired moments ago between Hulkster and the Queen, this is pretty timely.
Nice little view from up here. The game makes your goals pretty clear at this point. First, go take care of the Evil Queen. Second, help Tinker assemble a flying ship. Third, go to Omnitopia and find out the secret of Evermore.
What at first appears to be Swamp from Hell 2.0 quickly gives way to...
...this crudely-assembled, rickety tower. Notice the statue of Carltron over there?
At the top is Timberdrake's big bro, Sterling. This is probably the most annoying fight in the game, because he repeatedly picks you up and drops you off the tower. Usually, this happens before you can even get an attack off, so the only real way to win in any kind of timely manner is to blast him with alchemy. Again, Lance proves useful. The spell, not the new weapon that I haven't used at all...
This dude shows up and gets Sterling to fly us back over to Ivor Tower.
The fake Queen... is nowhere to be found in the throne room, so our hero checks the puppet theatre next door.
Evil Bluegarden: "You were sleeping with that WHORE in Ebon Keep, weren't you!!"
Hulkster: "WELL LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING BROTHER!"
EB: "WHY?? SHE'S HALF THE WOMAN I AM!!"
Our heroes must now contend with the VIOLENT PUPPET SHOW, as Bluegarden's puppet goons commence a vicious beat-down.
Mungola finally reappears here. This fight is simple, but time consuming because Mungola has a massive amount of HP. This game really likes immobile bosses that have mobile goons assaulting you during the fight.
"MAKE LOVE TO MEEEEE!" screams the evil clone as she does a BELLY FLOP off the balcony towards our hero. Dear God!
Crash. A tragic end for a nefarious queen.
Her furious, sexually-charged flop managed to smash the castle's foundation, and Ivor Tower is now a total wreck. Luckily, everyone apparently moved back to Ebon Keep when I wasn't looking, so there were no casualties. That or they're all buried under the debris. Rated T for Teen.
And that's it for the relatively lame Gothica... more or less. To paraphrase Yoda... "and not short enough it was." Truth is, Antiqua is by far the strong point of this game. Next up, Tinker builds the flying ship, and our hero has several showdowns before storming Omnitopia.
Get that damn Booty Pump out of here!
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