Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Stages of Heartbreak

This is my relationship advice post.

A relationship is like a city. You spend lots of time building it, and then when it ends, it's like someone destroyed everything you worked for in an instant with a hydrogen bomb.

The most important thing to sustaining a relationship is to make sure that both of you have your own circle of friends. It helps if there is friend-overlap, as that strengthens the overall picture. However, you'll want your own exclusive friends as well. If neither of you have other friends besides each other, then you will have problems.

After being broken up with, there are several stages that you go through. Here is my experience.

STAGE 1 - You stumble around thinking you can save the relationship. You just know that there's something you can do to win her back. If only you could get a great job right this minute a boat with a live-in bedroom and a kitchen and become a master chef, she'd totally want you back. Get on it!

STAGE 2 - You realize you can't change the world or magically fix anything, so you start blaming yourself and being all "man, I could have done things differently" and then you blame yourself some more.

STAGE 3 - You stop blaming yourself and start blaming anyone else you can. It's Y's fault you broke up! It's X's fault she left you!

STAGE 4 - You start blaming HER and thinking about what a whore she is. A dirty, filthy whore! Why, at this very moment she's probably playing Hashimoto the Sexy Octopus and the Girl's Locker Room of Super Peril Gaiden. And she's probably enjoying it, because even though it's an NES game starring a purple octopus with a top hat, it's still probably a better lover than you are.

STAGE 5 - You realize your brain still loves her, despite that your penis thinks that she is the Whore of Babylon. Or maybe it's the other way around? So you start thinking about how cool it would be to get back together.

STAGE 6 - You stalk her and hang out outside her apartment for hours, sipping on her favorite drink and crying.

STAGE 7 - You reach the boss stage. Her new boyfriend doesn't look so tough, so you take him on. Watch out for his fireball attack, and counter by using taunts and insults. It helps to get drunk before the confrontation and refer to yourself as Jack Bauer. Then, after you win the fight, stand over him and yell "NO ONE MUFF DIVES LIKE JACK BAUER!" while your ex-girlfriend looks on in shock.

STAGE 8 - Start over at Stage 2, and repeat Stages 2 to 4 several times.

STAGE 9 - Realize that you need to live life for yourself. You put all your eggs in someone else's basket, and you shouldn't have. Well, you have many many other things left to do. No better time to start than right now. Maybe lay off of the romance for a while and just focus on your work. Do whatever you need to do to strengthen your own persona and regain your passion for life, and everything else will slowly fall into place. Hell, maybe that person you're pining over will even come back to you, after realizing that indeed, no one muff dives like Jack Bauer. However, don't expect this, not even a little bit. Do your thing and let her do hers. Live, learn, and forgive.

1 comment:

  1. Not everyone that breaks up puts all of their eggs in someone else's basket though. Sometimes they hoard their eggs and get dumped because they haven't invested enough into the relationship.