Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mario RPG Pt 7: Walk the Plank

The seventh and final installment of Mario RPG. In this one, Mario faces Smithy in a final battle for the ages... but that's not all.

I hope this series was good reading for the 24 fans in attendance.



Previously on 24

::Mario grabs Hinopio by the collars::
"WHERE THE HELL IS THE BOMB!"

Mario: "You son of a bitch! YOU CAN'T BUY MARIO BAUER!"
::Mario throws the guy off the cloud, Marsellus Wallace style::

Chloe: "Mario if you go through the wrong door the whole place could go up!"
Mario: "Damn it!"
::whoosh:: 

The following takes place between 6 AM and 7 AM.

Mario screws for the safety of America! HOW HE SCREWS FOR FREEDOM!

My God.
It's...The Bomb.
Every time he ever asked "WHERE IS THE BOMB" was leading to this moment.

::TICKTOCK::
::TICKTOCK::

Luckily, Mario Bauer uses his superior jumping abilities to leap up there and disarm it. That was anti-climactic... just like this episode!

 Unfortunately it isn't over yet. It looks like the terrorists are creating a killer robot army in this place.

Mario: "PATCH ME THROUGH TO THE JOINT CHIEFS!"

The ghosts of the past return in non-speaking roles.

Mario carefully negociates the army of robots...

...only to confront DEUCE AND DOMINO, male...gigalos.

CGI COBRA. ...I'm not sure what these guys were supposed to be, though. They look like weird-ass RPG Maker 2 enemies. I'll never forgive Agetec for for having one Archangel sprite in RPG Maker 2 and giving it breasts. NICE MOVE, GUYS. It isn't like that isn't the final boss sprite for every RPG anyone would make on there or anything, and you give it boobs? Should have been androgynous, or better yet, have a second archangel sprite that's male. Between that and the superdeformed character graphics, they flubbed RPGM2 to all hell. At least RPG Maker XP lets you import all of your own graphics, but unfortunately I'm no longer a youngster with vast quantities of time to spend creating something. If only!
Don't let life pass you by, kids.
After defeating CGI COBRA, our heroes break into the Terror Factory.

Mallow goes and tries to talk all tough.

It's CLERKS 3 as our heroes battle for the fate of mankind!

But seriously, after all that cool stuff in the Void, this short linear factory with a couple of pallette swapped bosses is kind of lame.

Mario: "How the hell did Toad make it through all of that? That's impossible!"

Chloe: "Mario I don't think that's really Toad!"

Mario: "What?"

::faint ticking sound::

Mario: "EVERYBODY DOWN HE'S A BOMB!!!"

::Toad explodes::

Mario: "DAMN IT! HE WAS OUR ONLY LEAD!"

Bowser gets flustered at another boss, who we promptly dispatch, no big whoop.

Now Bowser makes a haiku.

Audrey takes a BOLD STAND against the terrorists.

Fourth boss, again not much to write home about. It's a unique boss, though.

Geno Assad knows we have only one course of action.

Mario Bauer helicopters to the Oil Refinery. HOW NOBLE IS MARIO BAUER!!

The final nuke!
and it's behind...
Mario: "That's...my father!"
Indeed, it's Smithy Bauer, Mario Bauer's long lost dad (and notorious weapon manufacturer)

Mario: "Damn it! Do you know how many people died today because you sold weapons to terrorists!!"

Mario: "DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS!"

Even while we battle him, Smithy Bauer makes KILLER ROBOTS and sics them on us

Still, he is old and wobbly, and the fight is over quickly.

...or is it? Not quite, as he makes the floor crumble, causing us to fall...INTO HELL

MY GOD! SMITHY BAUER IS A KILLER ROBOT!

His head morphs into a tank! EVERYBODY DOWN!

Thanatos form. "Sieg Heil!" he says. Does this fiend know no boundaries!

Smithy puts on a helmet!

Now it's treasure box with a small scarecrow inside for a head Smithy! ...this is getting kind of weird, I'm not sure what to say. Which works as moments after this picture was taken, an airstrike took out Smithy Bauer.

THE LAST NUKE!

With that, Mushroom Kingdom is finally safe...from terror.

The giant sword is gone, too. IT'S A NEW DAY

Bowser goes back to work repairing his castle...

Our old ocean friend in the coolest screenshot of the game...

Yo'ster island has become happy fun land, like Teletubbies...

Art and science make a return... and everyone in the land got a pony and/or kitten.

Viking-helmetted Booster Gredenko marries huge-breasted Tits McGee in a ceremony lead by Father Dodo. Unfortunately, Father Dodo can't read. "I CAN'T READ" he says, but no one is listening.

And of course, Mario and Audrey head off into the sunset.

Parades are had...

And that's...
...and that's...wait a minute...

Chloe, back up that footage!

Mario: "EVACUATE CTU THERE'S A BOMB IN THE PARADE!"

::cut to people screaming and running::

::BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM::
Chloe: "Mario! Do you copy! We lost half of CTU!"

Mario: "Damn it! We need to find out who planted that bomb!"

Chloe: "Mario, we have good intel that it came from Monstro Town!"

Mario: ::pant pant:: "I knew it! Get that sealed door open!"

Chloe: "But Mario it'll take a little longer to crack the code on it!"

 Mario: "JUST DO IT NOW! THERE'S NO TIME!"

We know who you are, you bastard! It's Culex Zhi, the guy who tortured Mario Bauer for two years in China!

Not that that actually means anything, plus he didn't actually cross over from anywhere. Hear that? This "Final Fantasy crossover" boss is nothing of the sort!

Probably because it's a whimsical fantasy world with vibrant colors, that is completely lacking in any androgynous girl-boys like Final Fantasy. ...wait, what does it matter, this guy has nothing at all to do with Final Fantasy. Thanks for the red herring, Square!

We have to stop Culex Zhi before he gets away on his submarine!

Mario: "You'll pay for everything you've done!"

ROCK CANDY decimates Culex's forces. If you've got a few rock candies on hand for this fight, it makes it much easier. ...wait, how is rock candy an attack in the first place?

Culex's strongest attack, Dark Star. Dropping a star on us is cheating! Take it back!

Soon, only two crystals remain...but Mario Bauer has been taken out! DAMN IT! SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR IN HERE!

Luckily, the tears of a saddened Pikachu manage to revive Mario JUST IN TIME.

Someday, some evil corporation is going to start bottling Pikachu tears, since they are evidently the cure for death.

::scene goes slow-mo as Culex is impaled on the Lazy Shell and blood flies across the screen::

With that, Culex Zhi is defeated. You're going UNDER THE JAIL, PAL!

No, we weren't. Shut the hell up! It's stuff like this that perpetrates game rumors that never die.

::Mario punches Culex out::
Mario: "TAKE HIM BACK TO CTU!"

With that, the door closes, and the day is over.

Finally, Mario goes and gets some sleep. It's been the longest day of his life.

That is, until a few minutes later, when he is awakened by someone at the door.

Luigi Almeida: "We've got a lot to talk about."


::TICKTOCK::

::TICKTOCK::

::TICKTOCK::

::TICKTOCK::

1 comment:

  1. The epic saga concludes. Where were you when Mario Bauer ended?

    ReplyDelete