Saturday, May 30, 2015

Altered Beast (Sega Genesis, 1988)

This is a game that got requested a while ago. I'd seen glimpses of it previously, and it definitely wasn't on my agenda. However, in this case I'm glad that I gave it a shot, because it's RAD TO THE MAX. I'll put it out there that if you have any games you'd like to see looked at here, go ahead and let me know in any given comments section.

In any case, this game is responsible for more emergency calls to Animal Control than any other game in history.

Here's what lurks behind the title screen. A bunch of disturbing images of weird abominations while Zeus looks on. There's also a woman in crash position while a demon holds her down with his foot. It's like Times Square on a Saturday night.

 This game has some pretty sweet two-player, as seen here in the title screen demo reel. You play as, apparently, rampaging naked werewolves... with a passion for justice!

 Their passion for justice is rivaled only by their passion for each other. Here we see them about to share a kiss. LOOK OUT! ZOMBIE!

Demo over, starting up the game. Zeus orders you to...rise from the grave? You're dead? Who killed you? In any case, your mission is to rescue Athena. Why doesn't Zeus just do it himself? What an asshole.

 Your hero is a scantily-clad, Herculean muscleman who throws THE DAINTIEST LEG KICKS I'VE EVER SEEN.

 If this guy fought in UFC, it'd take half of one professional bout for Youtube to be full of teenagers calling him "hommo".

 If that weren't enough, his ducking kicks go straight up, serving little purpose except to bare his nether-regions for foes to plunder. "JUST GET IT OVER WITH!"

In any case, this game slowly auto-scrolls from left to right, and you have to punch or kick enemies as they appear. Basically, it's a timing game, because hitting enemies requires a fair amount of it. Sorta like that game Kung-Fu Master.

These two-headed boars dogs are the source of the game's powerups. They tend to run across the screen quickly, and it's important to stay on the lookout for them. Miss too many, and you won't have a chance against the bosses.

 The first powerup causes your chiseled wall of man to shed more clothes.

The second powerup gives him bigger muscles, while the third... TURNS HIM INTO A MONSTER. DEAR GOD!

 He proceeds to immediately get slugged in the face by... whatever that thing is.

Now you can throw...well, I want to say these are fireballs, but they don't look or sound like fireballs. I'm just going to assume they're something gross. In any case, the beast-form is waaaaay more powerful than your standard form, too bad you get it late in the stage.

 The first boss is... Poo Golem, I presume. Well, I don't know what the hell else this thing could be! HADES HAS A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR!

 Finish the level, and this creepy Voldemort head appears to suck away all your powerups while cackling. Seriously? What the hell, man!

It appears that Voldemort has Athena. Here in the lands of Olympus, we have crystal balls instead of TVs, and that is how Voldemort is able to broadcast this sex tape

Level two! For some reason, everything here is covered in spooge. Well, it's only fitting for a game this hypermanly.

 When you run out of lives, AWESOME FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS. Can this just play for the whole game? I want to get Game Overed again just to hear this.

 Thanks to the magic of a stage select code (well, as much of a "code" as pressing two buttons on the title screen is), I go right back to stage two with lives replenished. Which is good, because I lost way too many on the easy first stage.

Later in stage two, you get turned into some kind of dragon-man. Interesting, the stages have different beasts.

 Not only can you fly, you can shoot electric beams. Here's the stage boss: A super-disturbing, eyeball-spewing monster. sorta looks like a watermelon when it isn't spewing eyeballs. Here we see the dragon's close-range attack, a Blanka-style electric field. Much like the first boss, it seems like the risky but quickest way to win this fight is to get in close and melee it to death. That holds true for all of the bosses in this game.

 I lose powers again, and it's on to stage three, which is full of bipedal ants. And here I thought the game was creepy before...

 Stage three's beast? A BEAR. AWESOME.

 HE IS KUNG-FU BEAR. Voldemort has got NOTHING! You hear me? NOTHING!

Here's the stage three boss, and it's pretty damn grotesque.

But more importantly than that, it's about time I got to play as a grizzly bear in a game.

 "Out in the mean streets, my hoes call me Sugar-Bear."

The bear has a screwattack-type move, and I use that on the boss until it expires. Gotta watch out for projectiles, though, because those damage you even if bumping into the boss doesn't.

 Stage four features the noblest of beasts: The Tigerman.

 He fights... a dragon statue clutching an orb. This was an odd battle, won by ducking down and doing his Tiger Uppercut type move every few seconds when the boss moved within range. So far the bear's screwattack was the best move; the Tiger Uppercut was probably the worst.

 The final stage is apparently the bowels of HELL ITSELF, filled with dastardly ettins. They look like 19th-century pugilists.

"I'll baste YOUR turkey!"

 The beast here is also a redux of the first stage. Weird.

 These little flying bastards are particularly annoying. How disturbing are the visuals here, though? I think that river of souls is having some kind of orgy.

 The final boss... is not what I expected. At all. I was expecting Voldemort, or Satan Himself, or Hades, or...

Well, a giant rhino-man is probably DEAD LAST on the list of things I expected to fight at the end of this game. Maybe this is Voldemort's power animal form, or something.

 After being utterly destroyed by the rhino, I discover that I can duck down in the corner and punch him to death while rarely being hit back. So I do that just to survive, and get out of the fight with almost no health remaining.

Victory....frees a little blue bird. I'm not sure what's going on, but I hope it doesn't fly too close to our hero. He bites.

 Oh, the blue bird turns into Athena... and it looks like they're immediately gearing up for some bestiality. My God! It's everything Rick Santorum warned us would happen if Obama won!

 Credits roll, and here's one of the names: "NO NUKES". Seriously.

The game puts me back at the outset with no lives and almost no health. No thanks, I think this'll do it for now.

Like/dislike/were oddly aroused by this post? Leave a comment below. Also, like I said at the top, I'm always willing to listen to requests.


  1. Thanks for doing this one! You can probably put most people in the "oddly aroused" camp.

  2. In this age of nya nya nya and gya gya gya, it's heartening to know there are brave souls still living who made games as thousand percent manly as this one.

    1. I had no inkling that the Sega Genesis already existed in 1988.

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