Friday, February 20, 2015

Lufia: Ruins of Lore #2 - Moratorium

Today in Ruins of Lore, Rubius continues to lead RVD and Torma blindly on her journey. Yep, this is her story, even though she isn't even a playable character. The two dudes, the "main characters", might as well be Vicks and Wedge. Just along for the ride.

RVD immediately whips out his schlong and swings it all about! I...I still don't know what's wrong with this guy.

Boss fight number three. RVD has to go it alone for this one, and he's outnumbered by what appear to be the world's creepiest Pokemon.

Not to worry, once again no strategy is required. Like every fight so far, this one consists of attack, attack, attack, heal, repeat. This game is needs more characters and abilities...and to challenge the player's mental faculties a tiny bit.

Nice, looks like Gratze is finally going to play a role after it got shortchanged in Lufia II. Glad this game is making at least SOME use of the potential of this world.

I take part in a quick auction. It isn't as fun or deep as a Final Fantasy VI auction, though. It's more or less scripted.

Quick! Bone lots of chicks! YOU'RE A FREE MAN, SON!

...Man, the people in this game are all lecherous creeps.

Exhibit A.

Maybe it'd help if you opened your eyes more often!

Turns out that the girls were kidnapped by... Goblin! This bastard strikes again! Luckily, he isn't any stronger than before.

After defeating him, we learn that this Goblin is a different one, and is in fact some guy named Sando who polymorphed himself. ...and now he's dying at our feet. The game makes sure to make me feel as bad as possible about this.

"You MONSTER!" screeches the game as I cry in the corner.

Forgotten in all of this stuff about how he was actually a person? The fact that he KIDNAPPED A BUNCH OF LITTLE GIRLS.

The third and final main character shows up and immediately calls RVD a whore. This guy looks just like the main character, only with different-colored hair. So basically, Torma is the only one of the three with any kind of unique look.

::holds earpiece:: Oh, it seems Rami here is actually a girl. As for why one of her eyes is higher than the other... presumably her parents were siblings.

I teach her heal, then make her a wizard for offensive spells. It'd be boring to have a third meleer. Here's hoping wizard is worthwhile. It's more likely that wizards are about as useless as a box of condoms at Comic-Con, but we'll see.

Rami never closes her mouth, as proven here when she gets really excited about these ruins we found. Wow! A hallway! How sensational!

These ruins are the biggest dungeon yet, and actually have - get this - some puzzles.

I haven't noted it until now, but one plus about this game is that you can see enemies and avoid them. Good call.

At this point I had to do a bizarre puzzle that could definitely pose a challenge. Then I noticed "translate" down there and pressed start...

...oh. That insta-solved the puzzle for me with no effort made. This is like playing World of Warcraft!

The big objective of this game from here on out is to light up these four dragon statues in the Tower of Guidance. It's sorta like Fort Dragonia in Chrono Cross, only with much worse music and a character that never closes her mouth.

BACKSTORY TIME. Looks like Gratze has gone to the side of evil due to an appearance by the villainous advisor, Dick Cheney Ragule.

A mysterious stranger appearing and asking you to help him resurrect an ancient beast...has that ever turned out well for ANY king? If I were an RPG king, I'd put out a strict moratorium on any resurrecting of ancient beasts.

Now that the entire wildly-predictable plot has been spelled out in the span of a minute or so, it's onward to a snowy mountain area. I like snow/ice areas in games a lot. They might be my favorite type of environment. That said, this is the first truly irritating area in the game. You have to cross it several times, and it's the first dungeon that goes overboard with vagueness. From here on out, all of the dungeons are complete mazes.

Rubius has the same reaction that girls usually have when they wake up next to me in the morning.

This giant bird tries to kidnap Rubius, and we get our first boss fight with three characters. I still have no idea what anyone's HP is.

The next town is this creepy ghost town, as the visuals continue to be somewhat impressive. If you really squint, you can see the ghost of this series' integrity floating around.

I will now shock the world by not making any jokes about vagina.

This is why showers are also important for ladies.

This dungeon is where I officially stopped having any fun with the game. It's long and BORING.

Down in the sewer, our heroes battle a... fish?

In other news, Rami's new look is what happens when a five year old boy tries on a Sexy Magician costume.

Stuff happens with this village of hobbits. They hate humans here.

Yes, they're actually called "hobbits". Surprised the rabid Tolkien estate didn't sue.

The game finally gives me some new equipment to buy, and it's really overpriced.

In other news, time to get first fourth character. Meet Bau, the dog-man.

"With this, I can club my victims until they stop struggling!"

What the hell? Is anyone in this game normal?

Boss fight! Again, it's too small to really tell what this thing is supposed to be. Having four characters doesn't help much at all with battle complexity, as I'm still just wailing away with regular attacks until someone needs a heal.

The Ancient Cave! Much like Lufia III, I turn around and leave.

At this point I turn Rami into a Priest. She has some good attack spells, yet she spends most of her time casting Heal. Might as well get some better spells to that end.

At this point I was TOTALLY FUCKIN' LOST, MAN until I saw this little rat in a corner, so I talked to it and it transformed into a dude and disappeared. Then the game finally let me move on with the story. I don't even.

Bau bids our heroes a hearty farewell as he needs to get back to constructing skin-suits from slain hobbits.

He'll be back. And so will this game. Pray for me.


  1. Heh, you're playing as Vicks and Wedge, that's great. ...wait, now I want to play that game.

    Edgar techincally sorta wanted to wake up Tritoch... does that count?

    It's too bad you can't voluntarily kick out all of your characters and replacement with faceless class changers like in DQ3. Anything is better than what you have now.

  2. Man, coverage of this game totally suits the bleakness of February.

    Can't believe they made you feel bad about Sando like that, like they just want you to feel bad.

    Having Rami be just like RVD makes the two of them more than twice as bad.

    Love what you did with Bau.