Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Game Review: Mega Man ZX Advent

Mega Man ZX Advent

There Is No Dana, Only Zuul

Nintendo DS, 2007

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX Advent is the hottest, sexiest game I've ever played. If this game were any sexier, it would consist entirely of me having a three-way with You and Your Clone. Who? You know who you are. This game is just that sexy. If this game had a human form, I would make love to it, and it would wake up the roommates, the neighbors, and the dead from the nearby Indian Burial Ground with the sheer noisiness. This game knows it, as the Mega Man series continues its dominance of the DS with this sexy-ass game. I legitimately want to spank Mega Man ZX Advent, and spank it good.

Mega Man ZX Advent is the sequel to Mega Man ZX. Truth be told, Mega Man ZX wasn't very good. It certainly wasn't the smooth, curvy sexiness that is Mega Man ZX Advent. Playing this game gives me a crazy, raging urge to thrust my game-playing skills into it over and over. It's powerful. It's like I can't control it.

Advent follows the first game, even though the characters are different. Again, you choose between a guy and a girl, in this case Grey and Ashe. The game is largely the same either way, but they have different intro stages and slightly different controls. I have to give this game props for bucking the trends of most games, and having the guy attack faster while the girl hits harder. Now that's a novel concept! It's worth noting that the differences between the two characters are limited only to their default forms. Once you start getting special weapons in the form of biometals that literally turn you into bosses, you look the same regardless of which character you chose. It was a little weird playing as the female and suddenly having a gruff man-voice every time I switched to a special weapon, but I digress.

Obviously I chose Ashe, and I'm glad I did. Every time she jumps, she lets out these hot little "unf"s and moans. Playing this game is like listening to an all-female tennis match. "Unf!" "Ooh!" "Unnh!" "Unf!" it says. Thanks, Capcom. You're the best. Let's give a round of applause to Inti Creates for developing this masterpiece of aural pleasure.

But wait! It isn't all good. This game introduces something the first ZX did not have: voice acting. And it's horrible. Normally, I can put up with bad voice acting pretty well, but this somehow manages to out-bad even the atrociously bad Mega Man 8. Some of the voices in this game are decent (the villain's) but for the most part they're awful. Better play with headphones on if you don't want to be embarassed, because most of the game's characters sound like five year olds. Ashe and Model A in particular are incredibly cringe-worthy. I cannot stress it enough: the voice acting in this game is complete ass. Though, mad props to whoever did the non-speech voice effects for Ashe, the unfs and the moans. I imagine it was some scantily-clad Brazillian model.

Don't even get me started on the dialogue. Let's just say it's as good as the voice acting deserves. Nonsensical, childish lines abound. This may be the one area where the game takes a step down from its predecessor, as the first ZX actually had decent dialogue by comparison.

The controls and gameplay are generally the same as the first Mega Man ZX, and it reuses a lot of the same boss weapons. While this is a bit lazy, those weapons tend to be pretty cool and useful. Some of them aren't so good, or are just plain weird. One such weird weapon/form is Chronoforce, some sort of robotic whale that is immobile on land and generally useful only to do his time-slowing charge attack before switching to a better form. This time-slow works on most bosses, making it more likely than not insanely overpowered.

The biggest plus of all for this game is that it does away with the annoyance of having to figure out where the next stage starts. The areas in this game are more distinct from each other, the map is far more useful, and the game actually points you right where you need to go most of the time. Well, except for one part late in the game where you have to pull a nearly completely hidden barrel out of the ground in a specific room to find the next area, a barrel that totally looks like just another floor tile. On the whole, though, I almost never referred to guides to find out where I had to head next, especially compared to the first game.

With a number of problems fixed and a generally high fun factor, this game is a marked improvement over the first in almost every way. It isn't great, but it's worth a go.

Rating: 7.8 out of 10


  1. BuckFire notice you gave game 7.8! BuckFire says you know have a 100 point system!

  2. Chronoforce is a Horseshoe crab btw. lol