Final Fantasy Adventure, Part 2 - Thursday Night Dynamite

That's right, we're back already with more FFA. Wendel here is a very notable town in Seiken Densetsu 3, though I don't think it makes an appearance in Secret of Mana. Either way, fresh off of our win over the vampire, it's a place to get some rest.

Kain impresses The Girl with his whip-handling as they cross over rivers...right into what appear to be Metroids. MY GOD! GET OUT OF THERE!

Wendel has a main gate, seen here IMPALING THE GIRL.

Moving on, it's the best part of the Seiken Densetsu Series Itself, the dancing shopkeeper. That glorious bastard!

There's the Red Mage from the Marsh Cave. Have I mentioned yet how charming this game is?

Our hero WHIPS TOWNSPEOPLE. Oh my GOD.

Here's the town sage, which means it's time for story developments.

It turns out The Girl is the descendant of the Mana Tree.

"The FRUIT OF MY SEED" says Vince McMahon when reached for comment.

The Empire of Glaive is attacking! Everyone runs for cover, Cibba opens the weapon cache, the guy who has Quato in his chest quickly puts his jacket back on.

Here's the ultimate "enemy attack" theme of any game, or life in general. If there's an enemy attack, this should be in the background to let you know the situation is serious.

Go with God, Red Mage guy.

...wait, are we sure we can trust this dude? What if he's Julius in disguise?

Wendel is now swarming with... rabites and imps? The Empire is attacking with RABITES AND IMPS?

I finally get around to upgrading my armor here to a new set. The armor sets in this game are pretty uniform. Just new sets of four items every few areas. It's similar to the three Dark Knight armor sets early in FFIV.

Outside the town, the Red Mage reveals himself to be...

...oh. Yeah, called it. Our heroes trusted someone they met in a Marsh Cave yesterday. And this is why evil will always triumph over good: Because good... is dumb.

"It was especially confusing to find her because of her name. I had to check out every girl in the realm." Was he just going through all the women in the phone book until he realized that was her actual name?

Julius spirits The Girl away to his airship, where she will discover pleasures unlike any she has known before. That or have her magicite extracted by this bastard. We don't know yet.

Julius then OHKO's our hero...and leaves. Why not just kill him? Turns out evil...is also dumb.

Cibba: "They say that incredible pleasures of the flesh await women up there. I'm talking mind-blowing stuff here."

Kain: "We have to do something!"

The next spell is a status cure that works on any status effect, replacing all other status-curing items and freeing up a lot of inventory space. No more lugging around Antidotes.

Our next stop takes us down a massive mine shaft. If this were any other year, there'd be an Ann Coulter joke here. This is a new day, though, and we now have class here at Corona Jumper.

The dwarves look just like they do in FFIV. This dwarf in particular is one sweet piece of ass.

*there

...wait, Watts? We've got Watts in the house?

I set out looking for Watts, and have to contend with crab people on the beach. For a Game Boy game, this really does feel like an adventure. The Game Boy got a sick lineup from Squaresoft, between this and the three great SaGa ports that we knew as the Final Fantasy Legend trilogy.

Dick Cheney's favorite energy drink is purchasable here. It's expensive, to keep the poors away.

Kain falls down another mine shaft and finds Watts. Has any video game character fallen down as much as this dude? Homie takes more bumps than Spike Dudley.

Here we see the fully-charged axe attack, a thrown boomerang-like move. This is the next boss, a giant snake. It's still charming how Game Boy snake bosses tended to just be a bunch of round tiles put together. Maybe it's a centipede, hard to tell.

After that fight, Watts can forge a bunch of new stuff:

A sword upgrade is especially welcome at this point.

Starting to regret naming her Girl, because every time I see that I think of Bird Box. In any case, Kain reunites with our favorite Gemma Knight to chase after Julius' Airship.

Bogard: "I hear every room is outfitted with different female-centric pleasure-devices. There's no telling what orgasmic bliss she's being subjected to!"

Kain: "I KNOW! I KNOW, OKAY?"

I find another great level-up spot here, the first really efficient place to stop and grind since the lizardmen. Basically you go left and right here and beat up this swarm of werewolves that can be easily dusted several-at-a-time.
 

I gain about seven levels here, which is the biggest level surge since the lizardmen. There are a few key points in FFA to stop and level grind; the rest of the time it's best to just keep moving.
 

With all of my new powers, it's time for the Airship. Bogard is on the team for this one, as we scale a large chain to climb aboard.

What? f u!
 

These eye enemies can moogle you. That's right, our hero got turned into a moogle. Very Mana-ish. I like moogles more as an actual race rather than a status effect.
 

While moogled, our hero seizes the opportunity to do a twirl for the ladies in attendance. When you're moogled, everybody wants your 'bod.
 

Our heroes find Girl! She's unkempt and a bit sweaty from all of the orgasms she's been having, but otherwise in good health. ...is she sure she wants to be rescued?
 

Wait, are we sure we trust Bogard? What if he too is Julius in disguise? Julius could be anybody! Next thing we know he'll make himself look like Nick Fury.

Oh, here's Julius. He wants The Girl's pendant. Chrono Trigger wants its plot back!
 

Julius summons a WALL OF FIRE and blasts our hero! Good God!
 

Girl tries to hold onto him, but can't.
 

Kain plummets YET AGAIN, surely to his death this time.

He crashes through someone's roof and miraculously survives. EC DUB! EC DUB!

By God I've seen New Jack scaffold matches that were less bloody than this game!

Kain doesn't know the whereabouts of the Pendant OR The Girl. These are dire straits indeed.
 

When I was crashing down, I also noticed a weapon shop insignia. After all these years, I still get excited to see a new town with new weapon/armor shop logos.

The weapon shop is a bit on the barren side though, with only one weapon. However, that one weapon is a brand-new one:

::Edge leans in and whispers:: ...Spear.

Charge it up and it can be launched like a missile, Secret of Evermore-style.

Next up, our hero finds a chocobo egg! Careful, it could be a member of Boco Haram.
 

Chocobo: "WARK"
Kain: "AH! JESUS!"

You can ride the chocobo around and be invincible to enemy attack, which is great. It moves fast too. The hero completely vanishes though, because the Game Boy doesn't have the spritework for it.
 

Soon I find the desert town of Jadd, which is ruled by an evil dictator.
 

What the hell? Well, I think I know who the next boss is going to be.
 

Turns out Davias has been gassing the northern valley with poison that he bought from Glaive. The rat bastard!
 

Soon, I find myself face to mustachioed face with the dictator. He's got a parrot on the right there, like some sort of Sacha Baron Cohen dictator.
 

From there, we go out into the desert. Finding Medusa's Lair involves a weird, obscure puzzle. You have to run around these trees in a figure-8.
 

Inside the lair, Kain finds the person who nabbed the Pendant: His old friend, Amanda.
 

Damn you! Why? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY!
 

Wait...a parrot? Could it be?
 

So our next goal is to battle Medusa. Much like the Tears of Pikachu, her tears have a high black market value. I like how these old-school FF games have so many references to mythology.

The second attack spell. This one freezes enemies solid, during which they can be pushed onto switches Zelda-style.
 

Medusa's Lair is a fairly tame dungeon. The switch puzzles break up the monotony of fighting a bit.
 

Medusa itself could be another difficult fight like the Count, especially considering that she too summons adds. However, my bunch of extra levels are enough to put me over the top here. Throwing the Spear is the way to go.
 

GIVE ME YOUR TEARS

That's about the halfway point of the game, give or take. Tune in next time, as we take on the desert dictator.

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