Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Wild Arms 3, Part 6 - Sexy Witch Costume

If you're staring at this picture with your head cocked to the side like a dog, let me explain: Malik has been cloning Zero Suit Samuses in the evil lab of the Advocacy. Not sure if this is to take over the world or just for...sex purposes.

Before we get into this...I haven't been linking enough music from this game. Here's the brilliant overworld theme. You can count on this series to always bring it with the overworld tracks.

Citan Clive gets some development at this point, with our heroes visiting his hometown.

His daughter is approximately the most adorable character ever in anything. It's a heartwarming moment until you realize SHE'S BEEN GROWING UP WITHOUT A DAD BECAUSE OF YOU, PLAYER.

His hot wife has a complex about not being able to be both mother and father to their daughter while Clive runs around shooting people in the wild. She fixes us some (goddamn) tea, and is quite pleasant considering that she spends most of her time daydreaming about the life she could be having, single and rolling around in the hay with all kinds of attractive people in the big city.

One of the more unique things you can do in this game: Read boox to Kaitlyn. There's a whole series of readable books in the game, and when read in order they tell an entire story that relates to characters from the first two Wild Arms games.

They're really well-written, too. And lengthy. It takes a few minutes just to get through the first one. I believe there are 13 altogether.

The next dungeon is a crystal cave that reminds me of Final Fantasy VII's Mythril Mine. Good thing we had that (goddamn) tea before this.

This place is confusing and I needed to refer to a walkthrough. Mainly because it uses mechanics that haven't been seen up to this point, like these boulders that have to be hit with Virginia's fire crest ten times to "heat them up" and then frozen by Gallows during the one second that they're glowing red. I never would have figured this out without a guide, because it looks like your fire crest isn't even doing anything unless you do it repeatedly.

Maybe it's just cold in here.

The crystals get big again with the arrival of our favorite evil blonde, Maya.

It turns out that if there's one thing in this world that Maya cares about, it's Virginia collecting gems.

After she pops up several times throughout the dungeon, she finally throws off her dress to fight our heroes. Wait, what?


Bao-bao. Chicka-chickaaaaa.

Behold, Maya's new caster-outfit, which gives her all kinds of new powers. What is this, Final Fantasy X-2? And why is her hair a different color? It's a little hard to take this scene seriously when it looks like a completely different character.

Virginia gives us The Greatest Shot Of Judgmental Virginia Ever as she takes Maya to task for her gaudiness.

Virginia just isn't into you, Maya. Move on.

I, on the other hand, can't get enough shots of Maya's Sexy Witch Costume.

Oh my God she's SO CUTE.

"I'm Sexy And I Know It" plays as she spins and pirouettes.

She goes back to her normal Dressphere after that unfortunately quick fight. I wouldn't be completely surprised if the developers of Final Fantasy X-2 (which came out a year after this) saw this part and decided to build an entire game around it.

We return to town and Kaitlyn tells our heroes that she got everything done in preparation for Clive being home again. He then immediately has to leave. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF, PLAYER? YOU'VE RUINED THIS FAMILY!

Next up, our heroes take the train to a new part of the world, where they face a deadly new menace:

...cats running on their front-paws. WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE.

The next dungeon is a place Clive used to take Catherine back when they actually went on dates and stuff.

It pits you up against the memory game from Super Mario Bros 3, here in the form of crystals that light up in different colors. Each color appears twice per room, and once you get two mis-matches the whole thing resets. It isn't as difficult as it sounds, though.

After all of that, we're face-to-face with this...boss?

I didn't realize it was an actual boss fight and took the fight super-lightly, which allowed the boss to MURDER MOST OF THE TEAM. The second time through I cured everyone's status effects and got them healed beforehand rather than just autobattling my way through.

Fun Fact: This boss is Olivier, a gluttonous Wild Arms 2 refugee. In that game it was attacking a farm to eat all their wheat or something. Either way, I defeat it and Janus shows up again.

Whoa! Careful! Don't say anything you can't take back! 

Janus looks like he's bundling up a Kamehameha.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A KAMEHAMEHA! If a Kamehameha had the properties of Agahnim's lightning attack, that is.

Speaking of, more Link to the Past is on the way. We're making Dre do it.

I defeat Janus in the fight, then he knocks everyone out in the cutscene. I think I talked about this in the previous episode...it's obnoxious and irritating, and this game does it a LOT.

I get the Lucky Hand medium from that dungeon even with the "loss", and that gets Clive to Tier 2 Usefulness. Now only Jet is lagging behind. Also on levels and HP. Poor Jet.

What does Lucky Hand do, you ask? It has a few luck-based spells like Randomizer (randomly cast a spell from that character's repertoire at zero MP), but it's mainly notable for the passive abilities it imparts: EXP Boost and Gella Boost. I learn those right away to start reaping the benefits.

Moving on, it's more overworld action as our heroes take on CRAB PEOPLE. So far the most entertaining foes have been the ones attacking as we run from place to place.

There's actually a randomly-occurring boss fight in this part of the overworld. It can be repelled until you're ready to fight it.

The Poké-volved form of the Midgar Zolom is one of the cooler-looking foes in the game up to this point, but it's also one of the easiest bosses.

At the train station, we find out that the manager is actually an entrepreneur who has been designing puzzles. This unlocks Millennium Puzzles all around the world map. There are a zillion of these things, and they always have some rare reward at the end. One could spend 5-10 hours just finding and finishing all of them, but I'm doing to stick to only hitting the crucial ones with must-have items, of which there are only a couple.

I'll do the first one, though, because it's -right next door- and a good example of what these puzzles entail.

This seems simple until you realize how little room you have to work with.

Also, and this might just be me - the "yellow" and "green" blocks look WAY too much alike. At first glance I didn't even realize they were two different colors.

The tricky part of this, aside from the block colors, is making sure you don't end the puzzle with one stray block remaining. It takes a little bit of advance planning.

Cait's Boots...no relation to Cait Sith. This item can be equipped on a medium to give them the passive ability "SOS RFX Boost", which significantly raises a character's speed when their health gets low (increasing the odds that they'll go first on a turn). This is a good example of the kind of rewards these puzzles have. It isn't crucial but it's useful.

Virginia's father is A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST. He's an average fighter, however.

At this point we accept a quest from The Antichrist here to retrieve a nuclear weapon from a nearby dungeon for him. Wait, what? Who?

The next dungeon has a bizarre name. It's another laboratory, this one a lot more recently-active than the last.

One of the enemies in here is extremely Pokémonesque.

It requires usage of game mechanics I haven't used since the intro of the game, like hanging from fences and dropping onto floor switches.

Here, Clive gets his second tool: The Titan's Mitt. This lets you lift heavy objects, but you can't move around while carrying them so you're essentially moving the blocks one or two spaces at a time. More importantly, when equipped, this tool causes Clive's hands to emit a glow while walking around. It looks awesome.


There are also these new ice blocks that can't be lifted, but with the new mittens they can be pushed/slid. They move until they collide with something else, as is ice block tradition.

Also in this dungeon: The most irritating enemies in the game so far. These ghosts can only be damaged with spells, and my spells are a lot weaker than my physical attacks at this point since they can't really be upgraded.

Melody shows up to spout a bunch of bullshit and sic The Judge on our heroes. I'm getting pretty sick of The Advocacy as characters since all they do is stand around and whine about how inferior the humans are. Get a hobby!

Are you done yet?


Asgard proceeds to immediately malfunction, probably because he's sick of hearing all of their shit. Without a terminator to hide behind, Melody beats a hasty retreat.

Virginia's dad suddenly appears, and he... wants to see her dual guns? WTF?

...oh yeah, wait, she literally has dual guns.

Somewhere during all of this were a couple of boss fights, plus I found the nuke thing that the random townsperson bribed me to go get for him.

Now that Virginia can FINALLY talk to her dad...she totally flubs it from nervousness and he disappears from sight. 

Instead of chasing after him, she immediately gives up and says we have to return the nuke to the guy who gave us the quest. Wait, what? You finally found your dad and all of a sudden the Drifter Quest we're on is more important and has to be done first?

Back in town, the Antichrist gives us 2,000 Gella for the Genesis Device before leaving the area, cackling insanely the whole way. What a deal! We've done well, guys! Let's go out for brunch!

It's now necessary to backtrack all the way to the early parts of the game and revisit the first town. Luckily, we're one stone bridge away from that first area at this point. 

Oh, forgot to mention Dragon Fossils. Pretty much all enemies now drop them, and they're used to upgrade the Sand Craft that we're about to get.

Senorita Emilia must be getting pretty lonely at this point. Gallows can help!

Not sure why she just went on this tangent about Ann Coulter's nether-regions. That was out of nowhere. Leave the woman alone!

At this point weapon upgrade costs are really spiraling out of control. You can only upgrade a weapon 15 times total, and if you focus on a single stat it gets WAY more expensive than diffusing upgrades between multiple stats. While I mainly focus on shot damage and hit rate, it's also important to get bullet count up, especially for characters like Clive who have low-ammo weapons. More bullets means more attack turns before the character has to defend to reload.

Here's the aforementioned Senorita Emilia, who is looking pretty chipper considering her boyfriend is probably dead.

"My boyfriend? Who? LOL"

She then takes a stiff toot of cocaine before running to the garage to work on building us a...

...mighty sand-mobile. This functions as the "boat" of the game, since this world doesn't actually have oceans. Now I can cross the sand-expanses and go from continent to continent at will without having to take railroads.

The Sand Craft itself can be attacked while you sail around, and its 177k HP dwindle fast when sand ocean enemies hit for 10k. The solution? Farm Dragon Fossils and get this thing upgraded.

There are a bunch of upgrades available, but most of them are a waste of funds when you can save a little more and get the best-in-slot items instead. It takes roughly 190 fossils to go straight to buying the four best-in-slot equipments, but all you really need is the best main gun (Ark Smasher, seen here, which costs 50 fossils). That'll one-shot everything if you unleash a full barrage at the start of a battle. Time to go back to the newbie areas and beat up level 1 goblins until I get to 50 fossils.

I take a moment to save at the Mexican Save Robot, who is in a pretty bad mood from reading the president's twitter timeline. Why would you do that to yourself, Save Robot? More on this later.


  1. She may look different, but she definitely has that Maya swagger.

    The book thing is pretty cool.

    The horseback battles are one of the first things I remember seeing about this game that stood out.

    Yeah, the colors in that puzzle in particular don't pop enough.

    Wait, no oceans? Man, this is the most decrepit Filgaia yet.

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